


Omni Blades and Shields

by QweenBeen



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anger, Angst, Cullen Rutherford in Mass Effect, Dragon Age Lore, Dragon Age/Mass Effect Mashup, Dragon Age: Inquisition Spoilers, Eventual Sex, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Jealousy, Mass Effect 3, Misunderstandings, Multi, Other, Paragon Commander Shepard, Plot, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Sex, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Space Battles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2018-09-22 22:05:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 55,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9627413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QweenBeen/pseuds/QweenBeen
Summary: A little Alternate Universe story bringing together my two favorite Commanders. It's really only an alternate universe because the characters meet, I've stayed true to both games and canon as much as possible. :-)So here's my fun, adventurous romance with Fem Shepard and Commander Cullen.Events use the mass effect 3 timeline and dragon age inquisition: trespasser plot points.I'm asking big questions too, like what would it mean if these two worlds did exist together? Can't promise answers though ^_^There might be 2 Acts to this little ditty, so it won't be too short....Hope you guys enjoy! Thank you for reading!MAJOR SPOILERS FOR BOTH MASS EFFECT 3 AND DRAGON AGE INQUISITION (ALL DLC)





	1. Act I - Chapter 1: The New Arrival

He must be dead. He was in the Fade, and this was the end.

Should his head hurt this badly here though? It felt ready to explode, pressure screaming behind his eyes and his temples throbbing in sync with his pounding heart. 

No, the Fade couldn't be so cruel. Well it _could_ actually be pretty bad. But this was something else entirely.

Lights flashed brightly behind his closed eyes and he vainly tried to shut them tighter against the glow. He desperately needed darkness but none seemed forthcoming.

Though the hazy fog in his head, Cullen was vaguely aware that every inch of him was suffering a dull ache. Every shallow breathe expanded painfully against his bruised ribs. His arms and legs were stiff and sore as he adjusted ever so slightly on the soft surface he lay on.

As his consciousness slowly started to return, he heard distant voices, as if they were under water and behind glass. He fought the pain as he tried to focus on them, and their shape started to stretch and twist, like formless clay molded into comprehension. 

"Why'd we pick this one up, Lola?" was the first full phrase he was able to make out as he grit his teeth against the pain.

"You should've seen the things chasing after him," a woman explained. "Stuff out of nightmares."

"Whose nightmares, yours or mine? 'Cuz I dream of some pretty crazy shit."

Cullen held his breathe as he tried to absorb what he was hearing. He understood the words, but the context didn't make any sense. He finally fluttered his eyelashes open just enough to see the vague outline of silhouetted figures peering down on him in a surrounding circle.

Where was he? Who were these people? The glaring light screamed at him anew and he squeezed his eyes shut and feebly turned his head away from what he hoped was the source. Maker's Breathe, it was as if the sun itself was in the room. He thought he might have moaned then, but he couldn't be sure of anything.

"Looks like he's waking up," another male in the room announced.

" _Finally_ ," someone retorted in exasperation. It made Cullen inadvertently wonder how long he'd been unconscious before now.

"What the hell is he wearing? Is that a dead _squirrel_?" A young man's voice pierced the air, with a hint of ever present humor in his tone.

"Joker!" the woman reprimanded. A chuckle came from nearby, carrying a strange echoing flanging in its depths. "I think it's a bear anyway," she corrected.

"They have _bears_? What the hell kind of planet were we on? Earth Mark Two?"

What followed was the strangest sounds Cullen had ever heard. A gravelly growl seemed to be speaking, but in no words that he could comprehend. The metallic flanging vibrated in the depths of Cullen's aching chest.  _Demons?_

"Yeah, yeah, Garrus. The more humans, the merrier, right?" the first man responded in perfect comprehension to the noise. "So you think he can hear us, Lola?"

The world that had started to solidify around him grew hazy again. Cullen could feel the dark edges of unconsciousness creep into his vision as the pain overwhelmed him once more. He barely sensed someone crouch down beside him, the woman maybe, her voice clearer and louder by his ear before she too started to fade.

"Not sure. His eyes moved. Bad dreams maybe?" she suggested.

"No, hey look! He's...oh...no...nope...there he goes."

Cullen surrendered and let himself slip beneath the black waters of unconsciousness once more.


	2. Act I - Chapter 2: Strange Places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, let's start with introductions now, shall we? :-)

Cullen's eyes fluttered open again, the pounding in his head reduced to a dull throb now as he looked up at a flat grey ceiling. It looked odd and unfamiliar, made from a single piece of something instead of hewn from stone.

"Hey, soldier." Cullen flinched so badly in surprise that stars flashed before his eyes. He turned his head slowly, ever so carefully, and through his still blurry vision saw the source of his alarm.

Dressed in a casual white shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbows, a woman with piercing blue eyes and short jet black hair cocked a perfectly groomed eyebrow at him. Her posture was exceedingly relaxed, one arm flung over the back of her chair, but he idly noticed her physique betrayed a soldier's training.

"Woops, sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. Welcome to the land of the living." She flashed a brilliant smile that felt oddly out of place for him at the moment. Wherever this _place_ was.

Cullen reached up and rubbed his hands over his face, working fiercely at his eyes to remove the last vestiges of sleep that clung there. For all the foreign aches and pains screaming at him, at least his face seemed familiar and devoid of pain.

With no small amount of struggle, he pushed himself up off the bed and turned to lean against the wall, as grey and smooth as the ceiling.

"Take it easy there, stranger," she said gently as she sat up straighter and prepared herself to help him. "You took a major backhand back there."

Cullen looked down at himself and saw more strangeness in the clothing he wore. In lieu of his familiar heavy plated armor, he was wearing a light short sleeve shirt that stretched tightly across his chest and arms and a pair of dark pants with an unfamiliar brand stitched on the hip.

He looked back up at the woman again, his head rattling with the million questions he had. What was he doing here? Who was she? What was he wearing? What in world was the _ceiling_ made out of?

Instead of any one of those questions emerging, Cullen broke out into a hacking, uncontrollable cough that wracked through him painfully. His ribs and chest burned as he expelled the smoke and ash of his last battle. Darkly blurred images flashed before his eyes as he felt a strong hand on his back and a cold glass of water pressed into his hands.

"Here," the woman said gently. "I told you to take it easy."

She waited and watched him patiently as he drank deeply. He soon forgot his moment of vulnerability as he drank deeply. The water was wonderfully cool and soothing on his dry, hoarse throat, and he couldn't remember a beverage being so refreshing.

The woman leaned back and crossed her legs and arms, watching him patiently as he gulped like a madman.

"Thank you," he croaked breathlessly as he handed her back the empty glass.

She did a double take and narrowed her eyes immediately, her casual posture replaced with one of intense curiosity as she leaned back towards him.

"You can understand me right now?" she asked slowly, enunciating like he was a child.

What an odd question... Yes, her accent was a little different, more like the dwarves where she pronounced every syllable perfectly.

She tilted her head in wonderment and Cullen felt incredibly insecure under her scrutiny. Maybe he _shouldn't_ understand her and he was losing his mind. Maybe he _was_ dead....

"Well, I'll be damned," she muttered, shaking her head vaguely. "Here I thought I sounded like a Wookie." She just sat there and stared at him for a very long awkward moment, and Cullen pressed himself as far back against the wall as he could, meeting her gaze warily. Was this customary where she came from? It was an absolute horrendous custom if that was the case.

"Um...pardon me...." It was the only thing he could think to say to break the silence. He didn't like feeling insecure, but without knowing where he was or whether she was a friend or enemy, he didn't want to startle her. She could be a biter.

He couldn't place it, but there was something very foreign about her. She was decidedly human, and not an elf of some kind, so maybe it was her hair or makeup.

She laughed perfunctorily with a huff and clasped her hands together in a steeple beneath her chin. "And you're British to boot! Anderson was born in London and even _he_ doesn't have an accent! How the hell is this possible?" She'd directed the question at him, but she'd said about a half dozen words he had no idea what to make of. "Who are you?" she tried again.

"Who am _I_?" Cullen asked bemused. "Who are _you_? What is this place?"

Her intense gaze had held him in place for so long that he only now surveyed the dimly lit room behind her. It consisted of hard lines and clean grey walls, in the center of which were a few couches and chairs. The far left corner housed what appeared to be a bar. A very shiny bar that glowed with it's own halo of light. To his right was a small inner room with a card table and chairs tucked inside.

"Good questions, but if I told you, you wouldn't understand a word."

"Try me," he pushed. His voice was still husky and low from disuse, and he liked the fact that it sounded darker than he had intended. He belligerently crossed his arms over his chest to complete the overall brusque effect.

Her eyes followed the movement of his arms and he flushed self consciously. Damn shirt was too tight....

She smirked at his sudden seriousness before continuing. "Commander Shepard of the SSV Normandy, N7 Alliance."

"Commander?" he blurted, ignoring all the other nonsense. She certainly didn't carry herself like any Commander he knew. Certainly not like _he_ would have carried himself.

"So you have similar rankings where you come from?"

"What are you talking about? What do you mean ' _where I come from_ '? he pressed her again.

He glanced around the room again quickly, preparing himself for an answer he wasn't sure he could fully fathom.

"Where am I?" he repeated. "Are you the Executors?" He looked her up and down again more critically this time. They were not a group to be reckoned with, even when he'd been part of the Inquisition. If she was one of them, he may in fact be royally fucked....

"The who?" she asked bewildered, shaking her head quickly. "Sorry, buddy, I'm not that, whatever _that_ is. As for where you are, she's called the Normandy." She leaned back into her chair and gestured grandly to their surroundings.

"What is a Normandy?"

"My ship."

Cullen coughed and gagged unexpectedly. "This is a _boat_?" he hacked out. He looked around in utter flabbergasted disbelief, his mouth brazenly hanging open. He didn't even feel the waves!

She laughed and shook her head. "Okay, so shit, there's another word lost in translation. It's not a ship for the water, my friend.” She cocked her head again and quickly pondered her next words. "We're on a ship for the skies."

He froze and just stared at her, his jaw promptly clicking shut. A ship for the skies? Like a Dalish aravel? Definitely unlikely...

 _No...he knew what this was...._ Cullen raised both of his eyebrows slowly and nodded vaguely. He needed to appease this creature. He must be in the Fade. That was the only explanation. And she was an abomination. This was a trick. A very elaborate trick. His eyes flicked around him for a weapon but none were in sight. Of course none would be. He locked his gaze on her's and held it steady, his body stiffening. This abomination was particularly beautiful too. _Bastards...._

She smirked and furrowed her perfect eyebrows, trying to mask her confusion at his sudden wariness. He couldn't let her know that he was onto her...it was the only advantage he had.

"What's your name, guy? Unless you want us calling you Bear Man for the length of your stay?" She gestured towards his armor sitting atop a clean white desk in a corner.

He gave an ill disguised sigh of relief at the sight of the gleaming metal. Cullen prided himself on meticulously caring for the fur overlay, and he frowned when he saw how dirty and out of place it looked in these sterile surroundings. Still, for what it was worth, it grounded him for a moment in this strange place. He also glimpsed the hilt of his sword tucked beneath. So they _hadn't_ taken his weapons from him. How odd....

"Cullen. _Commander_ Cullen," he added with lofty significance. It wasn't entirely true with the Inquisition disbanded, and he wasn't even sure if abominations cared for titles, but it would be worth a shot anyway.

Maybe it would serve to intimidate her while he figured out a way to get to his weapon....

“Commander, huh?” She arched her eyebrow at their shared title and it piqued her curiosity. “Commander of what?”

"Huh?” His eyes flitted once between her gaze and his blade. “Oh. Inquisition.”

“Okay...that doesn't mean much.” Commander Shepard turned and followed Cullen's gaze to where they'd shifted. She was sharp to have noticed his subtle movement. She turned back to him and sighed. “Don't even think about it, Commander Cullen. We won't hurt you, but if you try anything, we _will_ take you down.”

The way she said it so matter-of-factly mildly stunned him. “Is that, right?” he challenged before he could stop himself. He wasn't going to be a well behaved submissive captive, he already knew that. Never again.

“That's right,” she responded flatly. The authority in her voice spoke loud and clear even while her posture remained casual. “So I suggest we continue to get to know each other and I can figure out whether you walk around here freely or I lock you up. Deal?”

She paused, awaiting his confirmation, and Cullen surveyed her once more. He wasn't accustomed to making deals with demons, but the more she spoke, the more he doubted that she was one. It seemed like he would find out soon enough regardless.

“Deal.”

“Excellent.” She gave him a warm smile and gestured for him to speak. “Go ahead, I'm sure you're just chock full of questions, so you can go first.”

Cullen took a deep breathe and picked one of them at random. “Why am I here? On a normandy?

“Not _a_ normandy. _The_ Normandy. She's one of a kind. And you're here because you got lucky.”

“Lucky...?” His memory flashed to the last familiar place he had been and the half formed ghosts of a battle formed once again.

The Arlathan Forest was the last place he had thought he would find himself after the Inquisition disbanded. It had taken him a long time to leave Skyhold after Lavellan had made her announcement. He had found it exceedingly hard to say goodbye, both to her and that cavernous place. 

Eventually, without an army to lead, he had started his sanctuary for recovering Templars with the help of Leliana--No, _Divine Victoria_ \-- and had settled down for a mere few months before a knock at the door had brought his new future. 

Of all the acquaintances and friends he'd made during his time in Skyhold, Dorian was perhaps one of the last people he had expected to see. Dorian's new Lucerni party had formed a new military arm, a hastily assembled offensive against the Qunari as the old Magisters in Minrathous bickered in their magnificent halls.  He needed a Commander for his growing troops, and would Cullen lead his Soporati and Mages, _pretty please_ , against the incoming Qunari horde?

Only a few years ago, Cullen never would have dreamed of saying yes to anyone from the Tevinter Imperium. But Dorian and everything he stood for, and the men and women he was gathering to his side, was an entirely different story. He believed in their fight and every nation, like every person, had a right to better itself. 

During his time with the Inquisition, Cullen had learned that he was meant to lead, and that he was pretty damn good at it. So he had agreed to join his old friend.

It was there, awaiting the Quanari invasion from Seheron with his troops, that the sky had opened up around them like a tear in the fabric of reality itself.

The stuff of nightmares, a hundred times worse than what he'd seen in the throws of his lyrium withdrawal, worse than anything the Breach had called forth, descended upon them.

The sounds of chaos echoed in his ears, the screams of terror from his soldiers, his calls for retreat ringing in the night as he tried to help them organize against this new, unexpected threat....

"Yes, I'd say you were pretty lucky," Shepard repeated, interrupting his darkening thoughts and the silence that had stretched between them.

"Take me back," he said quietly. 

_Cullen had watched as his troops were cut down all around him, dying in the throws of their greatest fears. Hunger and Fear demons, demons without names and some without faces, gnashing their teeth and tearing them part. Limb by limb.  And a pair of Pride Demons spotting him..._

"A thank you would be a good start," she replied pointedly. "You're lucky we were even there to find you."

_Fighting beside his men one moment, running, tripping, falling over dead and dying men the next, as both demons suddenly charged towards him...._

"This is lucky!? My men are dying while I'm sitting here on a _sky boat_! I need to be down there!” he exclaimed. "Why are my only two options to walk free on your ship or be locked away? Take me back," he demanded again.

Shepard's casual demeanor switched off in an instant and she leaned forward in her chair, her elbows resting on her knees and her eyes narrowed. She was assuming authority, that much was clear. 

"Firstly, we _can't_ go back and I was hoping you could tell me why the fuck not. And second, I didn't see any of your men, Commander Cullen. I saw _you_. I'm sorry I couldn't save them but if you're actually a Commander, than you damn well know that good men die."

His body tensed and he clenched his fists, leaning towards her in challenge.

_The earth shaking and quaking from the impact of the massive Pride demons closing in behind him. He could never fight them alone. He needed to escape them, lose them in the dense forest and make his way back to his men. His heart racing, his armor clanking, hoping and praying to the Maker that his surviving men would be safe. The growls and dark laughter growing louder...._

" _Good_ leaders don't _let_ them die, Commander Shepard. Take. Me. Back."

Her eyes darkened at his insinuation, and he saw the muscles in her jaw clench hard. "Believe me," she whispered tersely. "I really fucking wish I could."

_His body flying through the air as the impact of a massive fist crashed against his back in a brutal backhand. Demonic laughter and piercing screams were the last things he heard. And then nothing. Darkness...._

Shepard abruptly stood up from her chair and glowered down at him. "Watch yourself, Commander. We pulled you out of some kind of hell back there, but it doesn't mean you're in heaven." She turned away from him and strode towards the door, turning to glare at him over her shoulder before slamming the door behind her. 

His mind roiling now, Cullen closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall.

This wasn't heaven. This wasn't the Fade, or anywhere familiar. This wasn't anywhere he wanted to be.

This was impossible.

He knew what had happened. He knew that Solas was making good on his promise. His whole world was collapsing, being torn apart by an ancient and angry God, and he was here....

His fist slammed hard into the unyielding solid wall behind him. The pain lancing through his first meant nothing as all he wanted to do was scream in a rage.

* * *

Shepard stood behind Joker's pilot seat, watching but not seeing the screens flashing in front of her. 

“In all fairness, Commander, you _did_ just uplift a single guy. Usually they come in pairs or groups...or you know... _whole_ civilizations?”

“Trust me, Joker, if you could've gotten us back down there, our guest would've woken up none the wiser.”

“Yeah, what is up with that, by the way? Did he say what the hell is going on down there?”

“We didn't exactly get to that part,” she grumbled. “I tried!” she exclaimed defensively as Joker glanced at her skeptically. “I was nice and everything! Well, for the most part.”

“Damn, no one can resist _nice_ Shepard,” Joker teased.

“I know, right?” She heaved a heavy sigh, and moved behind him to lean against his pilot's chair. “So there's no way we can get down there? You're sure?”

Joker tapped a few keys and a screen before them flashed to the lush planet they had just narrowly escaped. It would've been a beautiful place, similar to Earth, with it's hues of blues, greens and browns. That wasn't the case at the moment. It looked worse than when they had checked a few hours ago.

Shimmering lights covered most of the land mass they had come from, and initially they had seemed as harmless as some very extreme auroras.  Nothing could have been further from the truth. Whatever strange atmospheric anomalies where occurring down there had nearly crash landed the Normandy, and if it weren't for Joker's formidable talents, they would all surely be stranded. Or worse. 

A chill raced down Shepard's spine as she recalled the chaos she'd seen down there; at the  _things_ she's seen down there chasing after Commander Cullen, sending him flying like a rag doll through the canopy of trees.

“We could always deposit him on another continent entirely, ” Joker ventured. Their gaze shifted to the relatively dark land mass that lay across the eastern shore. 

“Yeah, right,” Shepard huffed. “What's the point in risking our asses to save him if we're just going to drop him off in the middle of nowhere?”

“At least he'd be on his home planet right? He could rough it like a wild man or something. You saw that squirrel he was wearing. He's practically halfway there.”

“Bear,” Shepard corrected distractedly as she rubbed a hand over her eyes. “I am ninety nine point nine percent sure that our guest hasn't left that continent right there, or anyone from his civilization for that matter.  It'd be like me dropping your ass in the Alaskan wilderness.”

“Would you leave me a ship?” Joker asked hopefully, grinning broadly up at her.

“No, I'd leave you on your ass, just like you're proposing,” she dead panned.

“Okay, okay, I get it,” he said, raising his hands defensively. “Don't leave the angsty wild bear man in the godforsaken wilderness. Got it.”

A few silent minutes passed between them as stars whizzed by the front windows of the Normandy. “So what _do_ we do with him, Commander? We have enough fish to fry without babysitting a bumpkin from some backwater planet.”

Shepard stayed silent a long moment. Whatever Commander Cullen was, he wasn't a bumpkin. He was damned frustrating, and a hell of a lot more attractive when he'd been unconscious, but she hadn't failed to notice the light of a rational, if distraught, man in there; the light of a man who knew his place in a world she had just ripped him off of.

“We'll figure something out,” she muttered as she made her way out of the cockpit. “For now, I'd cross this planet off our list of potential allies.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to stop myself from making mean frowny faces when I wrote this chapter, but I was still caught a few times :-)
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	3. Act I - Chapter 3: The Peanut Gallery

Cullen jolted awake in surprise, startled he'd fallen asleep in the first place. He'd fought off his bone deep weariness as long as possible while he'd stewed on the crazy predicament he was in.

The shadowed silhouettes of his dead men still clawed at the edges of his consciousness as he heard a faint tapping on his door. He turned his head to see a woman cautiously peek through.

“I'm sorry,” she said quietly when she saw him lying down. “I can come back another time.”

“It's alright.” Cullen's throat was still hoarse but it was just one more thing on his list of aches and pains. Luckily the pain was even more faded than before, but the sooner he forgot he had some of these particular muscles, the better.

He slowly sat up in bed, rubbing his hands roughly over his face. As the woman entered the room, elderly but not old with clean white hair and a kind face, he was struck by her similarity to a mage he once knew. A lifetime ago in Kinloch Hold....

“The Commander said you might still be resting,” she said kindly. “But I'm afraid my curiosity got the better of me. Are you sure you wouldn't rather I come back later?”

“No, I believe I'm quite through with resting actually. But thank you.”

The familiar formality of their exchange seemed strangely out of place as she approached him. His last guest had simply appeared beside him when he'd awoken, so polite intrusions weren't something he'd been expecting here.

The woman carried a bag with her which she set on the table beside his armor, glancing at it curiously.

She extended him a handshake that he politely accepted. “Doctor Chakwas,” she said by way of introduction.

“Cullen.” It was probably best not to flaunt his old title unnecessarily, especially seeing as he wasn't the only Commander on board. “Pleased to meet you.”The phrase escaped his lips out of habit, but what pleasure there would be was yet to be seen.

“I'm afraid the pleasure is all mine.” Doctor Chakwas turned to her bag and started rummaging though. “I'm rarely afforded the opportunity to see a new patient from a strange new world.”

While her smile was kind and her statement probably entirely innocuous to herself, Cullen's own smile froze awkwardly on his lips. What exactly was the best response to _that_?

Sensing his discomfort, she hastened at her task and withdrew a clear packet with a sharp needle enclosed within. He eyed it cautiously as she opened it up. “My apologies, Cullen. I suspect you have questions.”

Keeping his eyes on the needle, he nodded. “I'd say that's quite the understatement. Where do I begin? I mean, if I'm on a sky boat--ship-- _thing_ , I take it you sailed here from elsewhere?”

The words coming out of his mouth, all attached together, made absolutely no sense to him, but he was clearly expected to keep his sanity throughout this whole conversation and he would do his damndest to try....

Chakwas lowered her eyes and nodded as she reached for his arm gently.

“The Commander didn't tell you much at all, did she? Yes. You see, we're a space faring civilization. We travel those stars you look out on from your home.”

Cullen warily resisted as she raised the inside of his arm. “It's alright, I only wish to draw a little blood to see that you're truly well, and safe to join the rest of the crew.”

So it appeared even after their disagreement, Commander Shepard saw fit to let him wander freely, whatever that actually entailed.

Cullen reluctantly complied after a brief moment's hesitation, bearing the inside of his forearm for her to deftly slip the needle into. He'd swore to himself that he'd never let another needle near him after he'd withdrawn from lyrium. If an exception existed to that rule, however, he supposed this would be it. He watched it numbly while listening to her with rapt attention.

“I know it must come as a shock to you, that any of this exists, but I'm afraid I'm not the kind of doctor who can help cope with the strangeness of it all.”

She glanced up at him and must have seen something there that made her forge on. “You're handling this far better than I would, if I were your in your shoes," she reassured him. "The Commander mentioned you were a soldier. So you know war only too well." She paused as she considered her words carefully. "You'll find the people and places here quite strange, I assure you. But we know war better than we'd like to. The concept is the same everywhere.”

“War? That's hardly a pleasant commonality,” Cullen pointed out.

The doctor chuckled humorlessly and nodded. “You're quite right." She withdrew the needle from his arm and placed gauze over the entry point. “There are good soldiers here though. You may find comfort in it, no less.”

“I don't intend to stay long enough _to_ get comfortable.” This woman seemed kind enough, sympathetic even, but he imagined his bitterness would linger on the tip on his tongue for the duration of his stay.

She pursed her lips thoughtfully but avoided eye contact. Whatever she was thinking, she chose not to share, and Cullen's unrest grew that much more.

“It's nothing short of a miracle that you understand the Commander and I so perfectly, even without a translator,” she said casually, changing topic entirely as she turned back to her bag to replace the now full vial.

“She mentioned as much,” Cullen replied. “I gather it's not a common occurrence?”

She chuckled quietly as she resumed rummaging in her bag. “Far from it. We're a community of races and species from different corners of the galaxy. We are all from a multitude of planets, each independent of the other and with our own languages. Translators spare us the confusion so we can actually manage to get things done.”

This time she pulled something out of her bag wrapped in a small clear packet. “But you will need one of your own, which is the other reason I am here. ”

Cullen shook his head and waved her off. “You seem very nice, but I'd rather not have someone follow me around, thank you. If I understand, I'll respond.”

The good doctor blinked once and stared at him blankly before realization dawned brightly. “Oh! A _translator_. Good heavens no, we don't have _people_ translating for us.” She laughed and shook her head, waving the little packet in her hand. "I can't even imagine _that_ chaos. No, we have _these_.”

Cullen watched curiously as she used a pair of fine tipped tweezers to extract an object smaller than his pinky nail from the packet. At least needles were a familiar unpleasantness. Maker only knew what _this_ thing was and Cullen leaned as far away from it as possible.

“Come now, it only pinches for a moment and then you'll never remember it's there.” Chakwas beckoned him forward politely, and with one more dubious look at the device, Cullen leaned forward until she quickly had his ear in hand.

“Tell me,” she started quietly as she positioned the device carefully along the bare skin behind his ear. “What did you make of our fearless leader?”

Cullen's face darkened at the question, and he lowered his eyes to his hands. “I'm I'm afraid you'll disagree with my assessment if I speak honestly, Doctor.”

She was quiet for a moment and, as promised, the device pinched sharply for a second before all sensation of it vanished. “Ah,quite the polite statement. I wouldn't want you to be dishonest then." She pulled away and scrutinized him carefully. "Do you feel alright?”

“I've been better,” he mumbled, his head now free to lean back against the wall behind him.

“Sorry, I mean the device. We like to keep it hidden and forgotten. No, no, don't touch it if you can help it.”

Cullen stopped his hand in mid air and paused to see if he could feel it. “It's fine, thank you.”

“Wonderful.” She turned around and snapped her bag closed again. “I'm going to run some tests to ensure everything checks out. You could give yourself a little tour in the meantime. I wouldn't normally advise it until my results are in but everyone's health still seems intact."

Cullen closed his eyes and shook his head, rubbing at his temples absently. “I'd really prefer to stay in place until they tell me I can go.”

“You're not a prisoner here, Commander,” she said quietly. He snapped his towards her in surprise at hearing his formal title and she smiled sympathetically. “I know Commander Shepard, and I can promise she will do everything in her power to get you back to your people. In the meantime, it wouldn't harm you to get to know ours.”

It was only as she was turning to leave that Cullen realized he actually didn't want to be alone again. “Doctor Chakwas,” he called to her when she reached the door. “Is it true I was in such dire shape when you found me?”

Her eyes darkened for a second and a chill ran through him as he awaited her answer. “You likely would not have survived if we hadn't found you,” she said carefully. “Everything was decimated.”

Cullen sighed and closed his eyes. _Decimated._ “Then you have my thanks.”

“Your thanks aren't for me, they're for Commander Shepard. I am truly, very sorry.”

As the door clicked quietly behind her, Cullen cast his gaze around the room one more time. It was clearly meant to be more of a living space or a lounge area, than a bedroom. The card table he'd noticed earlier was a famililar thing to him. They played cards where he was from.... While the bar did have an odd halo of light around it, it's purpose was clear. All civilizations could use a stiff one, it seemed.

 _Civilizations_. Planets. Stars. He was sure the doctor hadn't meant to blow his mind, but it was officially blown. It didn't sound like he was anywhere remotely near his home. Whatever strange turn of fate had brought him here would now challenge everything he knew about the world. The heavens. _Everything._

There was an iota of comfort in the fact that a card table was indeed a card table, a desk a desk, a chair a chair. That may be where all familiarity ended when he walked out of this room, but it gave him a reason to stand up and stretch his stiff legs.

He glanced over at the comforting sight of his gleaming armor, the red tunic freshly laundered. He stepped over and trailed his fingers affectionately across the fur overlay, letting them rest across his sword hilt.

Grasping it in his palm, he closed his eyes and hoped to find strength in it's familiarity. He was utterly helpless in this place, and powerless to stop whatever was happening at home. _Decimated_. What was left of his men? Of the swath of Arlathan Forest in which they'd stood? It was hard for him to fathom that only days earlier, the ancient forest had seemed foreign and foreboding.

And now he was _here_ , where unfamiliarity took on a whole new meaning.

Cullen toyed with the idea of donning his armor, or sheathing his sword near at hand like a familiar friend, but he soon thought better of it. If he was going to bump into anyone out there, it might be best to blend in without weapons. Especially if they wanted to call him _bear-man_ already.

He found a jacket to throw over his tight shirt, grateful for some cover, and took a bracing breathe as he set out in search of distractions and answers.

* * *

Cullen meandered through a short hallway, struck by the strange metallic walls and floor that made up this entire ship. As advanced as it must have been, he couldn't quite shake the feeling that he was walking in a tin can.

Bearing a sharp left, he found himself facing a metal wall with a seam parting it down the center. They looked like doors, and he stepped towards them cautiously, only to jump back as they slid open to either side. They revealed a large platformed contraption that appeared to be waiting for him. Cullen took a few stumbling steps back and sidestepped its gaping maw. Whatever it was, he hoped they had stairs here....

The other side of the wall held an array of mess hall tables and the strangest ensemble of creatures he'd ever seen.

“Hey, look it's bear man come out of his cave!”

The announcement came from a slightly built man in an odd cap, who grinned ear to ear with a cheek full of food.

The man gestured towards one of the chairs. “Have a seat, bear man,” he call over cordially. “We don't bite. Well ....” Cullen followed his gaze to a massive hulking beast of a creature that looked oddly reminiscent of a turtle. A very battle worn turtle...“ _Most_ of us don't, anyway.”

The creature gave a deep chuckle and grinned, or what could be mistaken for a grin. Cullen was too stunned to care which. “It's a good thing for you I already ate,” he said with a wink. Cullen took a single anxious step backwards, ready to turn tail and run.

“Joker, Wrex. Don't be _bosh'tets_.”A sweet but scolding voice came from the lone figure seated at the table. She was covered head to toe in a suit of some kind, and her face lay hidden beneath a clouded mask. “Don't mind them,” she said kindly to Cullen. “Their bark is worse than their bite.”

“Don't lie to the man, Tali,” grinned the turtle creature named either Wrex or Joker. “My bite is worse than my face.” He was _not_ particularly funny so perhaps he was the Wrex.

A low, gravelly chuckle drew Cullen's glance to the last creature at the table. Cullen remembered that strange metallic flanging when he'd first gained consciousness. This creature was all hard lines and pointed teeth, with small beady eyes that glinted with amusement. He seemed a predator by design and truly frightening to behold....

“Next time we go out, Wrex, I want to see you take out some fuckers with just that mug.”

“You're on, Turian,” Wrex boomed with laughter.

Cullen stood frozen in mute awe as the small gathering proceeded to banter and make fun of eachother. These creatures...this band of monsters...were crew mates? There was an absurdity to it, but a sense of familiarity as well. He'd been a part of banter like this most of his life, and here it was again. If he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine he was home. If he was bold enough to even close his eyes, which he decidedly wasn't.

Somehow the conversation turned back to Cullen as he stood there watching on. “I bet the bear man could take you all on with his _mighty_ blade!” Joker declared. He turned to Cullen expectantly. “You do have a mighty blade right? Otherwise it won't work.”

Cullen stood stunned for a moment before nodding. “It's not the blade, but the man, you need to worry about,” he said quietly, forcing his lips to curl into a small prompt smirk before it quickly fell away.

“Ho Ho!” exclaimed Wrex. “We have a contender!” He grinned broadly at Cullen and he was stunned to see kindness there.

“Okay, okay.” Shepard's voice came around the corner before the woman came into full view. “Let's break up this little peanut gallery. Back to your stations.” Her order was straight faced and serious, and Cullen immediately stood to attention.

“What do you think, Shepard?” Wrex continued in a defiance that surprised Cullen. The rest of the ensemble hadn't budged to follow orders either, still stuffing their maws with food. “Should I take on this toothpick, man to man?”

A radiant smile spread over Shepard's expression that caught Cullen off guard. She glanced at Cullen skeptically, then at Wrex again. “I'd watch out, Wrex. I think he'd kick your ass.”

Wrex howled with laughter as he stood up from the table. The others followed suit, but Cullen had the distinct impression they did so at their own leisure, not because their commander had ordered it.

“Hear that, bear boy? I'd like to see you in action first, but then come see me.” Wrex grinned ear to ear and slapped Cullen so hard on the back as he thundered past that he nearly toppled over. That started a new wave of guffaws and chuckles from the dispersing friends as they left.

And that was indeed what they were. A merry band of _friends_.

Shepard and Cullen now stood alone in the mess hall, Shepard's stern expression returning immediately as they surveyed eachother across the tables. Their last encounter warranted nothing less than a terse silence as their greeting.

“I suppose I should thank you that I'm alive to be jeered at by your subordinates,” he commented sardonically after the silence had extended long enough.

“First lesson,” she said shortly. “My squadmates are _not_ my subordinates.”

“They follow your lead, do they not?” Cullen glanced over at the nearby counter and saw a buffet of food laid out for the taking. Turning back to Shepard, she lazily gestured her permission for him to help himself as she pulled up a chair.

Hesitating for only a beat, Cullen quickly stepped over and served himself a heaping plate of familiar and unfamiliar food, neither of which there was a shortage of.

“They follow my lead because they respect me, not because they're obliged to,” she corrected him. “I'd follow each of them to hell and back if they asked, and they know it.”

Cullen sat at the end of the table and hunched over his plate, ready to take his first bite of what he dearly hoped was mashed potatoes.

“Big words until you're face to face with whatever hell you people believe in,” he mumbled before shuffling a spoonful in. Whatever it was, it was perfect. He hadn't realized how hungry he was until that very second. He kept his eyes on his plate, feeling Shepard's stare searing into him.

“You don't know what hells I've seen, _Commander_ Cullen.” Her voice was low and dark, her intensity pausing Cullen in mid-chew as he looked up at her. “And I won't assume you've had it any easier where you come from.”

Cullen cast his eyes back down, properly molified by her response. It was absolutely true. He allowed Shepard to speak uninterrupted while he ate like a starved man.

“I think we got off on the wrong foot, Commander,” she started, setting her tone to be more conversational. “I want to emphasize that we had no intention of keeping you on board longer than was absolutely necessary. We were hoping you would wake up back home, in fact. But when Joker attempted to land again, we were met with extreme interference in your upper atmosphere.”

Cullen stopped chewing and let the question in his eyes speak for him. “Something in your skies,” she clarified. “A disruption of some kind that's become a lot worse since we first came down and spotted you.”

Cullen swallowed the remaining food in his mouth in a single dry gulp as a cruel shiver ran through him. “How bad?” he asked quietly.

Shepard paused and appeared to carefully consider her next words.

“You know what it is then?” she asked, avoiding his question altogether.

“I do, but I doubt you would understand it's significance,” he replied quietly.

“Is it a geomagnetic storm? A coronal mass ejection that happened before we arrived?”

He shook his head slowly, even though he wasn't quite sure what either thing was. “I'm telling you, you wouldn't understand,” he repeated.

Shepard crossed her arms stubbornly, clearly not pleased with his answer. “I'm sure the good doctor told you we travel to different planets here. We're not exactly surprised by much. But _this_ surprised us. Your planet seems perfectly habitable, and obviously it is. Lush, green, the whole package. A volatile atmosphere doesn't make sense.”

“What you saw is not a natural phenomenon, as we have so long believed,” he said quietly. “It was a thing _created_.”  
He hestitated to say more, but her silence was commanding. “It's a barrier, what we call the Veil, between our world and the next. Usually stable, and now apparently not.”

“Your world and the next? Like Heaven and Hell?”Her shocking blue eyes widened in disbelief, and only confirmed that he'd guessed right. She couldn't possibly equate anything she knew to what was happening in Thedas.

“We only have the one," he clarified. "We have no such dichotomy except for what we create ourselves.”

“Huh. That kind of makes more sense actually," she said with a shrug. "So this Veil isn't stable anymore? What does that mean for you?”

Cullen narrowed his eyes and frowned down at his food. “I couldn't tell you, could I? It ripped apart one moment, and I was here the next.”

The accusation in his tone dripped crystal clear and he took Shepard's lengthening silence as his answer.

“I saw things down there...,” she whispered, and Cullen was mildly surprised she wasn't angry. What must she have seen? He closed his eyes and saw the chaos etched in his vision once more.

“It's best you forget what you saw,” he replied quietly. “They are only horrors and none of your concern.”

They were silent for a long time. The only sound in the room was the scrape of his fork as he push his food around. His appetite had promptly left as quickly as it had arrived.

“Please, tell me. Is it happening everywhere, all at once? Are there any places that looked... _normal_?”he finally asked.

His mind swam with all the places he knew his loved ones called home. Mia with his other brothers and sisters would be out there, afraid and helpless...

“We couldn't stay long enough to give it a thorough sweep--,” she started quietly.

Cullen's anger suddenly flared hot. “You didn't even stay to _look_? Then how exactly do you expect to bring me back?” he asked.

“Look, we left behind surveillance satellites to keep tabs on it--.”

“But you're still taking me away? Just like that?” he asked incredulously. “How can I be expected to thank you for saving my life when you won't even take me back to it?”

Her eyes darkened and she narrowed them with fresh venom. “I won't loose any sleep tonight because you didn't thank me, Commander. But I can't be expected to hang around your planet waiting for an opening. I have a _war_ on my hands.”

“If you're dealing with a war, what in the void brought you to my home?! Don't you have bigger problems than saving fallen warriors you don't know?”

“I'm looking for _allies_!” She spat out the last word to make it painfully clear she didn't consider him one.

“Allies!?” Cullen's disbelief rent him speechless as he sought to grasp her meaning. Why would anyone on Thedas fight in Shepard's war? A war they didn't even know about? He was about to ask her if she had lost her mind when she waved him off.

“It doesn't matter now. You're not what we need.”She said it quietly and coldly, and Cullen wasn't sure whether he should be offended by it.

“Look.” She flattened her hands onto the table and half rose as she leaned towards him. “This is going to go one of two ways. The fact is, we _can't_ go back there right now, so you can either suck it up and deal with your current circumstances....” Shepard raised her right hand like a balancing scale to illustrate her point. “Or you can bitch and moan and stay out of my way.” She lifted her other hand and arched an eye brow. “Pretty damn simple.”

She pushed up off the table, her chair screeching as she roughly shoved it away. “It's your choice. But when I say you stay out of my way, I mean _everyone's_ way. My people don't need to hear you crying about how homesick you are. Understood?”

Cullen's hot glare momentarily flickered, uncertain why her command extended to the crew mates he had just met.

“How long do you expect I'll be here?” he growled quietly.

“As long as it takes.”

She turned on her heels and stalked out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooo I don't think I did it justice. How would you feel meeting a Krogan for the first time?? :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	4. Act I - Chapter 4: Crossbows with Oomph

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really liked writing this one, maybe because I love Garrus so much :)

Dejected from his conversation with Shepard and all curiosity to explore officially tempered, Cullen headed back to his room to sulk only to find he wasn't alone.

“So you pissed off Shepard.” The one called Turian surprised him as he entered his room. “Sorry, I overheard everything.” He extended a three fingered hand out to him and Cullen stared at it in momentary wonder. “Garrus. Garrus Vakarian. Or Archangel, if you prefer. I know I do.” Cullen accepted the gesture warily, fighting to keep a neutral expression.

“Pleasure,” Cullen mumbled. He scrutinized Garrus warily, unable to take his eyes off his sharp pointed teeth peeking out and what looked like a hideous scar across the right side of his face.

If Garrus noticed Cullen staring at him openly, he didn't deign to acknowledge it. He leaned back against the couch, utterly relaxed and unoffended.

“Oh and sorry I'm in here too.” Garrus raised his glass of blue liquid by way of explanation. “Hoped you'd take a while.”

Cullen sized him up one more time and determined that, one, this creature wasn't going to eat him and two, he seemed on his way to a good buzz.

He flopped heavily onto the opposite couch and shook off the oddness of it all. He would run himself ragged if he thought everyone here would eat him. Besides, Shepard was more likely to do it than anyone at this rate.

“She angers easily,” he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck stiffly before shielding his eyes with his forearm.

“Actually, she really doesn't. Most of us really have to work at it, but you seem to have a knack,” he teased playfully.

“I'm lucky like that,” Cullen mumbled. “You know, I think I could use one of those too.” Cullen glanced at the brightly colored beverage Garrus seemed to be thoroughly enjoying.

“Well you don't want one of _these_.” Garrus waved his glass temptingly before he stood up. “You'd drop dead on the spot. But I've seen Shepard mix up a thing or two back here.”

As Garrus started rummaging behind the bar, Cullen kept his head buried in his arm, listening to the clink of glasses and bottles.

“What the hell did you say anyway?” Garrus asked curiously from behind the counter.

Far from being in the mood to talk, Cullen sighed and decided whether it would be wise to answer. Considering he could either be handed a glass of wine or a glass of poison, he thought it best to play it safe.

“I was upset that I was here,” he said grudgingly. “And that I want to go back home.”

“Ah, _gotcha_. Well, to be fair, home is a tough topic for a few of us right now.”

His statement combined with Shepard's odd warning renewed Cullen's curiosity. “Why is that?”

Garrus shrugged, pouring a clear liquor into a short tumbler. “Probably because half of us are here instead of home with our families. The Reapers are destroying everything we care about out there.” Garrus forced out a humorless chuckle. “It's ironic. Our best chance of winning is by not being on the front lines.”

Cullen accepted his glass with a thanks and threw the whole tumbler back with a quick toss of his head. He let the fire of the liquor warm up and loosen the knots of anxiety deep within him. He rolled the glass absently between his fingers, carefully considering Garrus' words.

“So that's your war? Against these Reapers? Across all your homes?”

“Wow, she really didn't tell you anything, did she?” Cullen bit back a smirk. Garrus was now the second person to have made that observation. Apparently Shepard was supposed to have been a little more forthcoming during their initial meeting.

Garrus plucked the empty glass from Cullen's fingers and went to refill it. “In short, yes. The longer story is...well…longer. I'd need a few more drinks in me.”

Garrus handed Cullen a refilled glass and took his seat again. This time Cullen took his time with it, letting the liquid sear his throat and warm his belly.

“If they're at your homes, why not mine?” he asked curiously.

“Probably because you haven't reached the spacefaring, AI wielding phase of your civilization yet. Not like you seem to need more shit to deal with. Rough place, your planet. I was there when more than half our systems went down. Even EDI went into standby.” Garrus took another sip of his drink, balefully noticing he'd have to refill soon. “I'm pretty sure I heard her humming actually.”

Cullen's eyebrows shot straight up at the roughly twenty questions that came to mind. AIs and EDIs weren't a part of of his usual vocabulary, but he knew his ignorance ran incredibly deep in this place. He would drive everyone crazy if they appended every statement with a tutorial. As much as he didn't want to think about it, he had the feeling he would learn a lot about this place soon enough.

Instead of asking his questions, he went another route. “I'm sorry, Garrus. For what's happening to your homes.”

“Nothing for you to be sorry about. The point is, we all want to go home. It's been hitting Shepard particularly hard and you berating her about yours most likely hit a nerve.”

Cullen flushed and cast his eyes down into his glass. He couldn't help but wonder if the choices she'd stated for him were the same choices she'd come up against herself.

“So what are you going to do?” Garrus asked, reading his thoughts.

“She said I could _suck it up_. I'm not exactly sure what that entails,” Cullen admitted.

“Probably make yourself useful,” Garrus ventured. “You're a soldier, right?”

“Yes,” Cullen said tentatively. “But perhaps not the same type of solider as you.”

“Soldiers are soldiers,” Garrus said plainly. “But I guess my real question is _why_ are you one? What's your motivation back home?” At Cullen's silent confusion, he went on. “Like, are you a _soldier of fortune_ , mercenary, crusader, do you pillage and plunder--.” Garrus started to wave his hand to and fro but Cullen cut him off before he could continue.

“Defend,” he said quickly. “My country, my people. I protect them from the pillagers and the plunderers.” It was obviously far more complicated than that, but it was the gist Garrus wanted.

Garrus twitched the manibles by his mouth in what Cullen assumed was a smile.

“Perfect. So we didn't pick up a complete asshole.” Garrus stood up again and set about making himself a second drink. Or perhaps he was on his third. “And I take it you're unfamiliar with guns.”

“Guns? Are they like crossbows?” Cullen ventured at a guess. He couldn't really picture Garrus wielding Bianca, but anything was possible.

“Close. Just more... _oomph_ behind it. But today is your lucky day. You just happen to be looking at the best sharp shooter in the galaxy.” He delicately polished his three fingered knuckles against his armor, blowing them with exaggerated care.

“So…if I'm going to be useful, I should learn how to shoot one?”

Garrus shrugged. “I'm guessing that would be a perk. Can't really bring a sword to a gun fight.”

Cullen looked away, his eyes focused on the floor between his feet. “A fight, huh? I don't know. I don't know your war or your enemies. I don't even know any of you.” He shook his head to himself. “I shouldn't be a soldier in a war that's not mine.”

Garrus sat down beside him and they were both silent for a long moment. “I'll be honest, Cullen. I don't know you from a hole in the wall.” Cullen raised his eyes to him. “Maybe you're a good soldier, but I wouldn't trust you to watch my back. You have to earn that right.” Garrus raised a hand to pat him heavily on the shoulder. “But you seem like a good guy, so I'd say you should get a fair shot at showing off your shit.”

“I'm not so sure I have *shit* to show. I imagine it's a steep learning curve with these guns.” He didn't want to seem nervous, but crossbows with _oomph_ seemed quite different than sword and shield.

“Sure, probably is. But whatever you have going on at home pisses you off, right?”

“Absolutely.” Cullen clenched his fists at the thought of fighting anything and everything coming down upon his friends and family at that moment.

“So take that anger and point it at our bad guys until we can get you back to yours.”

“Yeah? You think that's okay?” Cullen was suddenly nervous by the tenuous optimism that seemed within his grasp.

“Fuck yeah, that's okay. You'll hate our assholes soon enough, trust me. What are you gonna do otherwise?”

Cullen shrugged and smirked. “Shepard suggested bitching and moaning.”

Garrus laughed and leaned back on the couch again. Cullen felt his first real smile since he'd arrived, and it was a strange relief. Garrus was perhaps the last creature he would've imagining bonding with yet it had only taken meer moments.

“I think you can do better than that,” Garrus reassured him.

“Will you show me?” Cullen asked cautiously.

“Hell yeah! Next time we're on the Citadel--.”

“Garrus, excuse me for the interruption.” A silky female voice suddenly filled the entire room. Cullen sat up straight and frantically searched for the source. Had someone been eavesdropping on them this whole time?

“Yes, EDI?” Garrus responded to the air, winking at Cullen. “Our hyper-advanced AI, _artificial intelligence_ ,” he clarified. “EDI, have you introduced yourself to our new addition here?”

“I haven't had the pleasure yet, Garrus. My calculations showed me this particular guest would likely have fainted had I approached him directly.”

Garrus chuckled and nodded at Cullen. “You're probably right.” Garrus leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, “She hangs out with Joker in the cockpit. You should _see_ the curves on that one.”

“I heard that, Garrus. Pleasure to meet you, Commander Cullen.”

“Charmed,” Cullen said distractedly to the air, still struggling to find the source of the voice, lovely as it was.

“Garrus, you're being summoned to the shuttle bay. We are en route to Eden Prime. Liara will debrief you there.”

“Eden Prime? What the hell is happening their _now_?”

“It appears an artifact of no small significance has been found there.”

“Of course it has.” Garrus stood up and drained his drink. “Damn artifacts on that planet are going to kill us.”

Cullen watched him make his way to the door until Garrus turned back around. “You coming?”

He shot up from the couch like a canon, grateful he wouldn't have to sit idle again.

“Before you start shooting, seeing is believing. Let's find you a cozy terminal so you can see the masters at work.”

* * *

Cullen found himself sitting in the periphery of a circular room that had a large and bright round console behind him at its center. Tali stood behind him, having decided to share his console instead of finding her own.

“I can give you a play by play,” she'd offered in that sweet friendly voice. “Otherwise none of it will make sense.”

They both watched the screen now as the ground squad made final preparations.

“You're in for a real treat, you know. Watching Shepard work is a fascinating first experience,” she said excitedly. “Garrus isn't anything to sneeze at either, of course,” she added wistfully, her tone shifting for a split second.

The shuttle that carried Liara, Garrus and Shepard was preparing to make its final descent on what appeared to be a beautiful lush planet, not unlike his own. He idly wondered how many planets like this there were. He listened quietly as he watched the screen that displayed Garrus' point of view.

He was speaking to Shepard at that moment, or rather, cracking jokes that would make her smile periodically while Liara attempted to bring them back to their present mission.

Tali huffed quietly behind him and Cullen looked up at her, momentarily forgetting that her masked face would reveal nothing of her emotions.

“When will he give it up?” she muttered quietly. “She's already told him they're not picking things back up.”

“Excuse me?” Cullen looked up at her and thought he understood what she was implying, but was still baffled by the implication.

He was pretty sure Tali gave him a pointed look. Well, rather, a pointed silence that spoke volumes.

“Oh, um.... _oh_. ” He trailed off awkwardly, looking back at the screen as the squad exited the shuttle. “I didn't realize...you could...um… _do_ that...,” he said quietly, not sure if it was entirely appropriate to say.

“Cross species relationships?” she asked coldly, crossing her arms. Cullen blushed fiercely and focused intently on the screen.

“Take it easy on him, _corazon_ ,” said a new man as he approached. “He's asking about the logistics. Had the same questions myself.”

Cullen was struck by the size of the man. He was built like the Iron Bull, muscles rippling around a tight short sleeved shirt that he looked ready to rip through. He somehow managed to cross his bulging arms across his equally impressive chest, and smirked down at Cullen, who suddenly felt awkwardly small in his chair.

“You're right, I'm sorry,” Tali muttered, watching the screen again. “I forget this is all totally strange to you.”

“Vega. James Vega.” The man thrust out a hand for Cullen to shake. “So you're the stray cat Lola found in the Nimbus Cluster? You look different conscious,” he pointed out, looking him up and down with exaggerated scrutiny. “Welcome to your mind fuck, eh, bro?” He grinned broadly and amicably clapped Cullen hard on the back.

“Indeed.” Cullen subtly readjusted himself back up the seat he'd slid down on impact.

Cullen refocused on the screen and watched the back of Shepard's head and the green expanse ahead of her. He suspected he'd never cease to marvel at the wonders of this civilization. What an advantage it would be if mages back home could craft devices that transmitted voices and images in real time.

It was fascinating to watch the squad set their plans into motion. They were a perfectly coordinated assault team that hardly needed words to harmonize. As Cullen watched and listened to their interactions, he was enthralled by the flurry of activity, the weapons they wielded and the faceless enemies they encountered.

Tali and James took turns answering his questions, and offered explanations without prompting. Protheans, guns, beacons, colonies, a summary of the asari, turian and quarian races. They spoke to him freely and openly, James interjecting a tasteless lewd joke every once in a while that put Cullen more at ease.

The guns were particularly fascinating to him, the powers of a mage at everyone's fingertips. Most of the fighting was long range, but Cullen had leaned forward in his seat on more than one occasion, riveted as he watched Shepard evoke a melee blade from her arm, made of light and air, that struck down nearby foes with a single blow.

For a solider of a different kind, she moved with utter grace, commanding her small squad with authority and decisiveness, rolling for cover and avoiding incoming projectiles with an ease he had rarely seen the likes of. Garrus was indeed the sharp shooter he claimed to be, enemies dropping before him with a single blast. His knack for head shots was uncanny.

Tali and Vega took all of the fighting in stride, but it was the content of the squad's conversation and the artifact they had found which held their rapt attention.

Vega whistled low beside him as he stared at the screen. “Well I'll be damned,” he muttered. “A flipping fucking Prothean.”

“I take it that's an odd occurrence?” Cullen ventured from Vega's expression.

“Yeah, it's _odd_. It's mind blowing, is what it is,” he replied wonderingly, eyes glued to the screen.

Tali suddenly reached out in front of Cullen, pressing a button on the console to speak directly to the squad. “Shepard, stay alert. More mechs are headed your way.”

“Duly noted, Tali,” Shepard confirmed from the screen audio before she started relaying orders to Garrus and Liara to take positions.

The chaos that ensued had Cullen gripping the edge of the console as he watched breathlessly. Shepard seemed to have magical abilities of her own that she expelled as shock-waves against the hulking machines that lumbered towards them. Liara followed suit, although she seemed to use the ability more freely.

“Biotics,” Tali responded to his unasked question. “Shepard doesn't use hers as much. Prefers her gun, I think.”

“Does everyone here have that power?”

“Hell no,” James chimed in. “Some of us prefer not to have weird force fields leap from our hands. Good old guns and hand to hand combat for me.”

“You have a choice?” Cullen asked in bewilderment. A choice to be mages?

“Well, yes and no--,” James started, before a large explosion on screen stunned them into silence and they watched the smoke clear slowly with bated breathe.

“Shepard, do you read?” Tali asked through the comm.

“We're fine,” Shepard responded breathlessly. “Although I think Garrus has a few new scars that make him even prettier.”

“As if that were even possible,” Garrus replied demurly.

Tali huffed and shook her head as Shepard called Cortez to the extraction point, Prothean coffin in tow.

“So yeah man, to answer your question,” James continued as if nothing major had just happened. “Yes and no. Like, a crazy small number of us are born with biotics, and then those few can choose whether they want to amplify it. Depends on the person and...well,” he shrugged. “Not everyone always has a choice...,” he said quietly, trailing off. His eyes suddenly lit up as he cocked his head. “Why? Do you have shit like this at home?”

“Something like it. Children are found to have various abilities. To manipulate fire, water, lightening, things like that.”

James whistled low again. “Well ain't that a mind fuck of it's own. How do you guys handle that? Like babies shoot fire from their ass and shit?”

Cullen laughed despite himself. If he wasn't careful, his home would start sounding like a joke. “Not quite, but they may as well be babies. They're taken-- _were_ taken away to places we called Circles where they're educated, taught to control it, and to be amongst their peers.”

“Like a school then?”

“Well, they're more like schools now than they were before, but yes, something like that.”

“Well I'll be damned. Do you have powers?” James asked eagerly. He was akin to a child getting a bedtime story.

Cullen smiled thinly and shook his head. “I do not.” It was true, without lyrium, whatever powers he'd once had to smite mages was a whisper of its former strength. James didn't quite need all of those details at the moment, however.

“Damn, would've liked to see that shit.”

“Maybe when you drop me back home, you'll get your chance?” Cullen suggested.

James gave Cullen's shoulder another quick clap, gentler this time as he turned to leave. “That's right, compadre. I'm counting on it.”

“So am I,” Cullen muttered under his breathe.

* * *

“So? What'd you think?” Garrus asked as he stepped into Cullen's room. He looked no worse for wear after such an intense firefight.

“I think I'll have a lot to learn,” Cullen said humbly, setting aside the electronic pad Tali had given him. It seemed to have a translator of its own, or he had something else implanted on him he wasn't aware of, because Cullen was able to read every word.

Garrus nodded to it as he took a seat on the opposite couch. “Tali's idea, I bet. Learn anything good?”

“I suppose so. Not sure how much I've really retained. There's just so much.”

“There is. Half of it you have to see to believe.”

“Like the geth? Or the rachni?”

“Of course you'll remember the juicy stuff,” Garrus chuckled. “But you'll be better off never meeting a rachni queen. Trust me on that one.”

“You have?”

“That and enough of everything else too. Now I have a real live Prothean to add to the list.”

“Did you see it? Speak to it?”

“It's a him, I think. And no, but Shepard's down there now making nice. He must be completely out of his element right now. Not unlike yourself, I suppose.”

“At least he's probably used a gun,” Cullen muttered bitterly.

Garrus chuckled. “Probably, but he's got the opposite problem. He came from a time way more advanced than ours. Our guns are probably no better than slingshots to the likes of him.”

Garrus got up and poured himself another blue drink, but a smaller helping this time. “So, what do you think? You'll give our method of kicking ass a shot?”

Cullen was quiet for a time, looking down blankly at the screen in his hands. He really had no idea when he'd get back home, and he would be a nervous, anxious wreck waiting for that moment. He needed something to focus on, somewhere to point his anger, as Garrus had quite shrewdly pointed out, and the crew so far had proven to be companionable enough. It was either ‘suck it up’, or ‘bitch and moan’, right?

“Yes,” he said firmly. “Show me how you kick ass.”

“Perfect,” Garrus grinned. “The next time we're on shore leave, you're coming with me.”

* * *

“Admit it, Liara. The guy's a dick,” Shepard called over to her from Liara's bed, arms propped behind her head as she stared at the ceiling. The Shadowbroker was tapping away furiously at her screens, as usual. She was always busier after Shepard took her out, no matter how short the trip.

“I'm not admitting anything, Shepard,” Liara said calmly. “He is a man out of time. I'm going to insist we give him time to adjust to the new cycle.”

“He's not going to have a whole hell of a lot of time,” Shepard responded sullenly. “He'd just better make himself useful and watch he doesn't piss off the wrong people.”

“Like your other pet project?” Liara asked quietly. Shepard didn't even have to look at her to know she was viciously teasing.

“He's not a pet or a project, T'soni,” Shepard grumbled, freeing an arm to cover her eyes. “He's officially a pain in my ass.”

“I bet you wish he was,” she teased quietly, still typing furiously.

“Liara!” Shepard exclaimed aghast, propping herself up on her elbows to give Liara her best stink eye.

Her best friend just laughed and shook her head. “I'm kidding, Shepard. But my, someone is _touchy_ , huh?” She flicked her a sidelong glance and a quick smirk. “But you have to admit, our second Commander is quite the specimen.”

“You know me, Liara. Pretty faces mean jack squat to me,” Shepard argued as she plopped back on the pillows.

“Kaiden is pretty,” Liara offered.

“And Garrus is gorgeous,” Shepard countered.

“Actually, he is. By Turian standards, Garrus is the best looking specimen of his race I've ever encountered. But that's my personal preference, of course.”

“Yeah well, my race took one look at his race and started blowing eachother up into oblivion. I don't think it translates.”

Liara was quiet for a while, still typing away, and Shepard dared to hope they'd dropped the topic.

“What do you suppose he is, then?”

Shepard groaned inwardly. “What do you mean?”

“He's human right? And humans, as far as we know, only come from Earth. So what is he?”

The sudden silence in the room made Shepard unshield her eyes. The tapping had stopped and she had Liara's full attention now as the asari took a seat at the foot of her bed.

Shepard propped herself up lazily on her elbows again, trying to pretend she really didn't care or hadn't thought about it. Unfortunately for her, that'd be a big fat lie.

She has mulled over it for a few sleepless nights now, but with all that was going on, with Cerberus and the Reapers, Earth and the Galaxy at large, she didn't need another question to add to her list.

“I haven't the slightest clue, Liara. Why, what are you thinking?”

“The obvious of course,” she said dismissively. “That your species was just seeded onto Earth, at least two or three cycles ago, and that you happened to find the other planet they also seeded.”

Shepard was afraid that would be Liara's first guess. She didn't like the idea of not actually being _from_ Earth as part of it's natural process and evolution. There was something about existing because of pure chance that inexplicably comforted her. Especially now, when the galaxy seemed to have plotted against them for thousands and thousands of years.

“And who do you suppose 'they' are?” Shepard grumbled.

“I don't know. If they were that advanced, maybe they were wiped out by the Reapers?”

“If the Reapers even existed back then,” Shepard offered.

“True enough,” Liara conceded. “I suppose that's a question for Javik.”

Shepard snorted derisively at the suggestion. “As soon as he can get past the fact we were knuckle draggers the last time he saw us.”

“Or hors d'oeuvres, apparently,” Liara sighed. “Regardless of whether we get answers Shepard, go easy on him.”

“Why should I? We're all away from where we should be,” Shepard said bitterly. “Doing what we have to do.”

“Yes, well, he didn't actually know about our fight until we dragged him into it, did he? We found him fighting his own war. You're asking a man who doesn't know anything outside his own continent, let alone his planet, to suddenly accept that there is something worse out here. You're asking him to care about the fate of a galaxy he never knew existed.” Liara raised her eyebrow at Shepard. “It's a lot to take in for anyone.”

Shepard laid back down and covered her eyes again, only grunting her acknowledgement. She felt Liara's hand on her foot. “Just put yourself in his shoes, Shepard.”

Shepard kept her eyes closed and felt the pressure of Liara's hand disappear. She could hear the asari resume her tip tap typing on her consoles a few seconds later, and Shepard was forced to think about what she was going to do about Commander Cullen all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!


	5. Act I - Chapter 5: Target Practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of squad bonding in this one. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

“Come in,” Cullen called to the gentle tapping on his door.

He'd dimmed the lights in his room, and let the glow of the pad he was reading in bed be his main source of illumination. He'd gotten so lost in the history of these peoples, it had carried him away so blissfully from his own problems, that he'd lost track of time.

When he looked up, he was surprised to see Shepard peek her head around the door. “Am I catching you at a bad time?” she asked quietly.

“No, no, not at all.” Cullen set aside the device and was suddenly very aware of his nudity. He pulled up his blanket in a weak attempt to conceal himself as Shepard took a seat in the chair. It was reminiscent of their first meeting, except now he was completely clear headed and less…angry perhaps.

“I talked to Garrus,” she started without preamble. “He tells me he'll be teaching you a thing or two about shooting.”

“He did offer his assistance to make me more _useful_ , yes.” He kept the bite out of his resentment, hoping to simply inform her that he'd heard her earlier and he had made his choice.

Shepard sighed and closed her eyes for a second. “Look, I want to apologize for earlier. In hindsight, I think I might've been too hard on you.”

“Should I expect anything less from the commanding officer?”

“That's the thing though. I'm not _your_ commanding officer. You're not here because you want to be.”

“That doesn't change the fact that I'm here though, does it?” He offered her a consolitory smile, strained as it was. “Look, I'm not the kind of man who tends to sit idly by. I've been a soldier most of my life, I've been training since I was thirteen--.”

“Thirteen?” Shepard asked in shock. “Wow. They really start you young.”

Cullen shrugged dismissively. “It's only young if you have other plans for your life. I did not.”

“Still...those are some formative years. Do you feel like you missed our?" She trailed off with a shrug but stiffened when she finished.

Cullen crossed his arms defensively and scrutinized her for a moment. He didn't miss the way Shepard's eyes flickered towards his movement.

“And when did you start, Commander Shepard?”

“Eighteen. It's the minimum for us.” She seemed to know where he was going with this, but she waited patiently for him to continue anyway.

"So you're telling me everything you know about yourself you learned between thirteen and eighteen?"

Shepard quickly leaned back and raised her hands in surrender. "Okay, okay, point taken." She grouped her four fingers into halves to form a V. "I come in peace, I swear. I'm not trying to pick a fight."

Cullen immediately deflated and heaved a sigh as he looked away from her. “I'm not trying to imply that...you asked if... _Look_.” His expression beseeched her to understand, but she swallowed and remained silent. He couldn't blame her if she'd decided to remain silent instead of saying something wrong.

“I'm sorry, Commander Shepard. My point is that I know war. I know fighting. And I know what I'm good at.”

“And what's that, exactly?” she asked, crossing her own arms.

“Not dying.” He said it with a straight face, but a crooked smirk cracked his lips despite himself. “Trust me, the shit on my home has tried it's damndest.” Her bright blue eyes glittered and she smiled back reluctantly.

“Good thing that's a job requirement then.” She stood up quickly, prompting the end of their conversation. “I'm glad you're joining us then. Our next stop is the Citadel. Just make sure you learn every dirty trick from that Turian.”

* * *

“No, no, you're holding it all wrong, ” Garrus stepped towards Cullen for the hundredth time to readjust him. “You're gripping it too hard, you need to loosen your fingers.”

“That's what she said,” James drawled from their left.

“Very cute, Vega. Why don't you come over here and show Cullen a thing or two?”

“What? And get in the way of the master and his masterpiece?” James pulled the trigger of his rifle with practiced precision and the target in the distance released the _ping_ of a bullseye. “Wouldn't dream of it.”

Garrus shook his head and surveyed Cullen's stance again. “You need to brace yourself better for the kickback, Cullen. You're standing way too stiff. And loosen your shoulders, and your left elbow. No, keep your right arm arrow straight.”

Cullen felt exceedingly awkward with the rifle poised in his hands, even after the full hour they'd already been here. Garrus had managed to secure some private target practice with Commander Bailey in the C-Sec training wing. It seemed they had no constraints on their time, however, because Garrus was in no hurry to actually let him shoot.

Up until this session, Cullen had always considered himself a quick study. The hundred of types of guns, the proper way to shoot and stand and aim....Garrus was turning everything he knew about himself on top of it's head. Whether Cullen was loosing his touch, or Garrus was simply a stickler for perfection, Cullen had probably only shot his weapon a handful of times.

James lowered his weapon and turned to them, reading his mind. “Just let the man shoot something, Garrus. Let him feel the power of that _belleza_ in his hands, let it sing to him.”

“Seriously, Vega. If he doesn't get his form right, someone's ass will get a second hole."

“Isn't that the point?” James countered with a grin.

“Someone meaning _you_. Or another poor someone whose ass gets in the way of his target.”

“Garrus? I may have to actually agree with James on this," Cullen started tentatively. He needed to tiptoe lightly, seeing as he didn't want to insult his instructor after he'd volunteered to show him how to shoot. Garrus grunted and crossed his arms belligerently anyway. "No really. I understand the importance of form. It's absolutely necessary to practice, but shouldn't I be learning at a more accelerated pace here? My best training was when I was actually sparring.”

“There is no sparring with guns, Cullen. You spare with a gun, you shoot someone.”

“I beg to differ, Garrus.” The three of them spun around to see Shepard and Tali standing behind them. From the way Shepard was leaning against the door jam with her arms crossed, it looked like she'd been standing there for awhile, enjoying the show. “There are other, non-lethal guns on the Citadel, you know.”

“I'll have you know, my methods are tried and true. I am Archangel, remember?”

“Well, maybe you can add _boring a guy to death_ as one of Archangel's sick skills?” Shepard teased with a smirk.

“Fine, what do you have in mind, Shepard?”

Shepard's grin broadened mischievously as she turned from the door. “Follow me, boys.”

* * *

“Shepard, is this really necessary?” Liara grimaced in distaste as she adjusted the vest across her chest for the hundredth time. “I have work to do you know.”

“Relax, Liara. Even the _Shadow Broker_ needs to cut loose sometime. Plus we needed a third and EDI is discovering what a jealous Joker looks like.”

“Wrex would've gotten a kick out of this more than _me_ ,” she muttered resentfully.

“Boys versus girls is the best way to play, Liara. We gotta show these guys what we're made of.”

Liara rolled her eyes. “Shepard, we aren't children, you know.”

“Well it wouldn't hurt to pretend we are. Quit complaining, the countdown's starting.”

Shepard looked up expectantly at the timer above their entrance to the labyrinth. She'd gotten lucky finding this place. Laser tag had fallen the way of arcade games what with the state-of-the-art simulation center they had running in Zakera Ward. But she didn't want to fight holographic images. She wanted to pit herself against her best squad mates.

“Ready, ladies?”

“Ready,” Liara and Tali said in unison, unholstering their laser guns in preparation.

The timer above their heads buzzed energetically and they raced into the darkness of the maze. The darkness was a fun feature, and made things a little more exhilarating. But it was the really bad techno music that was the icing on the cake. Shepard broke into a broad grin.

“Oh no, we have to listen to _this_ hideous music the whole time?” Liara groaned into her comm.

“ _Yessss_ ,” Shepard whispered wistfully in satisfaction. “Just pretend it's the sounds of a battlefield, Liara. Distractions to ignore,” Shepard suggested, tapping her foot to the beat.

“A battlefield doesn't have a bass that vibrates in my chest,” Liara pointed out.

“No, there's bombs for that. Eyes front. Let's show these boys how it's done.”

As soon as she said it, blue lights flashed ahead of her before they ducked quickly around a corner. She took the opportunity to switch her frequency. “Come on out, blue. I have some of your ass here I need to hand to you.”

“Is that your smack talk, Lola? Really?”

“I'm holding back for your sake, Vega.”

Shepard glimpsed a flash of blue on her left and quickly ducked for the nearest cover. The light seemed to be moving away from her though, so in the space of a breathe, she aimed and fired at the back of their vest, setting off a quick burst of light.

“Damnit! Does that mean I got hit?” So it was Cullen. His vest flashed again as she successfully shot him a second time. “Damnit!” he shouted before finally dodging for cover.

“Lesson one, Commander Cullen,” Shepard teased. “You get shot, you duck for cover.”

“To be fair, if he really got shot, he'd have fallen on his culo,” Vega pointed out.

“Shepard, get off our channel,” Garrus demanded with that focus and seriousness she had expected from him.

“Aw, Vakarian. Don't burst my bubble. It's more fun this way,” she whined playfully.

Shepard crouched low to the ground and sought out fresh cover, crouch walking around corners until she sighted blue lights again. Red lights to her right told her one of her team mates had taken up position nearby.

She fired. “Damnit!” Cullen again. He was just way too easy. His vest lit up again before disappearing around another corner. “Why does it have to be so dark? I can't see a blasted thing.”

“Wouldn't do you any good, chief. I'm like a nose bleed.”

“Really annoying?” Cullen ventured and she frowned at the laughter in his voice.

“Noooo. You never see me coming.”

“Phew, you _are_ bad at this, Lola.”

“Watch it, Vega. I bite.”

“Oh, yes please.”

Blue lights flashed brightly further away. “Son of a bitch!” Garrus yelled.

She switched back to her own team's channel . “Nice shot,” she commended. “Who got Archangel?”

“Guilty!” Tali chimed up cheerily.

The next half hour was the most fun Shepard could remember having with her squad in a long time. Rolling, ducking and dodging, they eventually found the center of the maze where things got really exciting. It didn't take long for them all to congregate on the same frequency, trash talking and laughing as blue and red lights flashed brightly in all directions. Each of them were combat hardened, and they all had a blast with the toy guns in the it hands.

As the music picked up pace, the strobe lighting finally kicked in and they were tossed into a brightly flashing maze that added a new level of disorientation. Bodies flashed in and out of visibility, Vega and Garrus in one spot one second and on the other side of the room the next. To be fair, her girls were doing the same and keeping them on their toes.

Shepard ran up a short flight of stairs, shooting blindly over her shoulder in the hopes she'd hit someone. She turned a sharp corner, finally getting out of Garrus' line of sight, when she stopped dead in her tracks.

Cullen stood barring her advance, but he seemed just as surprised she was there. A slow broad grid creeped over her. “So we meet again, Commander,” she said lightly.

“Indeed,” he responded darkly in contrast, leveling his gun at her. Entirely the wrong way, she noted, but now was not the time for proper instruction.

“You getting the hang of that toy gun?” she gestured at it. His hand seemed steady as he prepared to shoot, but he still seemed to hesitate. Maybe he was aiming at her twenty point bullseye?

“You're going to make this easy for me now, Commander?” he asked.

“Do you _really_ think you're going to shoot me?” she teased. Shepard started to lightly tap her foot and rock her hips back and forth to the music. Her head bobbed lightly to the booming bass when she noticed Cullen shift his gun to stare at her blankly.

Her shoulders started to sway with a mind of their own, and she lazily rocked the lazer gun back and forth in her hands. Closing her eyes, she laughed as she felt the mute startled stare of the man across from her. As she started to slide-step, she punctuated each boom of the bass with a chest pump for a little added flair, her hands rising in the air with her gun gripped between them.

“What are you doing?” There was mostly shock in his voice, with a fair dose of amusement and a little dash of horror.

Fuck it all. Now she was really dancing, turning on the spot and gyrating to the bad techno beat in the best way she knew how. The full force of her awesomeness simply overpowered her.

“Oh no....” Liara's shocked voice came over the comm.

“What did you _do_ , Cullen?” Tali cried in horror.

“I didn't do anything! Seriously, what is she _doing_?”

“That thing with her hands? That's dancing. Shepard style,” Vega laughed. “Go Lola, go Lola, it's your birthday,” he singsonged for her and it served to egg her on even more.

“Are you sure? I've seen mages do that right before they become abominations. ”

“I have no idea what you just said, but yep,” Vega confirmed, his own eyes closed as he moved to the beat. “That's dancing.”

“Just shoot her,” Garrus said as he elbowed Cullen out of his daze.

“Please,” Tali pleaded. “I'm afraid she'll hurt herself.”

“You guys are just jealous you don't have my _moves_ ,” Shepard purred as her head flopped back and forth.

“Yes, right,” and Cullen leveled the gun to his eye again.

“Come on, bear man, shoot me!”

Cullen had her in his sights again, his grin concealed by the butt of his weapon, and he readied himself to pull the trigger. Shepard took the opportunity to quickly slide in a fluid side step and completely throw off his aim.

“Nice, Shepard,” Garrus commended as Cullen frowned as he reoriented himself. Shepard, in a particularly outrageous mood, quickly turned her back to him and started waving her ass in the air, touching her toes in her best attempt at the sultry dance moves she'd seen on Omega.

"Don't shoot her in the ass! You don't get points per cheek!" Vega yelled out

“Oh, fuck it,” and Cullen fired.

Shepard's vest flashed bright red, and she immediately stopped dancing, grinning at her comrades standing in rapt awe around her as she bowed in a grandiose motion.

“Oh thank the Goddess,” Liara mumbled. She didn't even bother to hide her smile.

The standard flood lights suddenly flashed on in the maze, calling an end to their game.

“So, who won?” They checked the displays on each of their guns and their vests, working up a quick mental leader board.

“Shot twenty three times, damn ladies,” Vega muttered. “Shot you all forty-two times though.”

They all started to rattle off their numbers, except for Cullen, who looked confused at his gun and shoulder. “I think mine is broken?” he said with a frown

“Oh yeah, soldier? Lemme see that.” Shepard stepped up beside him and took his gun, a smirk lifting the corner of her lips. “Five. That's gotta be a record of some kind, Commander.” Checking his shoulder, she nodded gravely. “And you're very dead. Eighty six.”

“Damn, bro,” Vega whistled. “Don't you have any flight instincts? They shot you, then shot your insides, then shot the stain you left on the floor.”

“It was dark!” Cullen exclaimed, throwing his hands up in exasperation but grinning all the same.

“Well, that was fun,” Liara said, pausing dramatically. “Let's go again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! <3


	6. Act I - Chapter 6: Magic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on this chapter, guys! It's pretty dialogue heavy so these guys can get to know each other. :)

Shepard leaned against a secluded balcony overlooking the Presidium, the lights of the grande artificial space dimming for the start of the night cycle. The lights by the fields and ponds started to glitter like distant yellow stars as she watched. The pathways and other distant balconies lit up like necklaces and jewels of lights, weaving in and out of the Presidium architecture.

She was very rarely here during the night cycle since it was such a short window of opportunity. Apparently she had been missing out. It was absolutely beautiful and serene to watch it unfurl before her.

The team had decided it would be a nice change to stay on the Presidium for the night instead of bunking on their ship like usual. It was a nice perk for all of them, and they had a good excuse with Cullen now on board. It was only right to show the new guy the full potential of this place. The Alliance hadn't skimped out on them either. Their apartments on the presidium were about as swanky as they came.

Shepard had been looking forward to this too. The serenity and peacefulness of this place bothered some of the others. Saren had started the war here, but the intervening years had wiped away all traces of Sovereign. Out of sight out out mind, as Garrus liked to say. Or _ignorance is just fucking ignorance_ as Joker reminded them.

For Shepard, it was a reminder of what they fought for. The Reapers hadn't won yet regardless of the tough battles they fought out there. Regardless of what she'd left behind on Earth. Every corner of the galaxy didn't need to know what they were going through. She wasn't fighting for fame or glory. They fought so these people _didn't_ have to worry about it. Ever.

There was still hope right here.

She turned at the sound of footsteps behind her, and watched as Commandar Cullen walked up to her. They'd suited him up in black trousers and a black shirt with a generic blue striped jacket she'd found. It wasn't quite right for him to wear the N7 logo when he hardly knew who they were.

He still managed to look like the perfect solider in his civvies though, his neat blonde hair combed upwards and back from his high brow and temples, curling slightly behind his ears. The gentle scruff on his cheeks and chin had a redish hue, and she inadvertently found herself admiring his chiseled features before snapping herself to attention.

“Gave your chaperone the slip, huh?” Vega had volunteered to show Cullen around, but she had the sneaking suspicion that he had found a bar and forgot all about his ward.

“Actually, I think he gave _me_ the slip. I nearly got lost trying to get back here. Those...erm…holograms? Quite helpful for directions.”

“Avina is pretty handy in a tight spot. Or if you just want someone to talk to.” She turned and gestured to the stunning view around them. “So? What do you think?”

Cullen laughed quietly and shook his head. “Uh, do I have to answer that, Commander Shepard?”

“Well, you could just gape and stare like I do.”

“Yes, that might articulate it better.”

He approached the banister beside her and Shepard's eyes followed the outlines of his muscular biceps as he leaned forward. He wasn't jacked like Vega, no one was, but they trained them well where he came from.

His eyes cast about this way and that like Shepard had been doing moments before. "If I try to take it all in, I'm pretty sure I'll fall flat on my ass.” The distant lights twinkled in his amber eyes as he failed to focus on any one feature before them.

“It's a lot to take in, even for us,” she agreed. “But most of us have stories and vids we've seen as kids. They don't do it justice but at least we know the Citadel is out here.”

She furrowed her brows, thinking of what Liara had said. “I can't imagine what it must seem like to you though. What are you thinking right now?” It wasn't the most tactful way to ask a question, but Cullen's subtly scarred lip curled in amusement anyway.

“What am I thinking right now...? What _am_ I thinking right now?” He sighed but stayed silent for a long time, to the point where she wasn't sure he would answer. Just as Shepard was wondering if he'd bumped into a Hanar yet, he spoke up. “I think I'm thinking... _shit_.”

Shepard laughed a loud at the simplicity of it. She had been expecting some long winded answer, but what Cullen provided was actually quite poignant. He chuckled quietly and shook his head. “No, no, let me elaborate. _Shit_ like _wow_.”

“Oh, _much_ better,” Shepard laughed, elbowing him in the arm as he laughed with her.

“No, no, like _wow_.” He paused long enough for the both of them to reset their expressions as they looked out onto the Presidium. “There's so much we don't know about the things we _do_ know exist.” He gestured simply to the vast coliseum before them. “And then there's _this_. All the shit wow things we don't know about.”

He turned to her and smiled dryly. “It makes a man feel about _this_ small.” He held his thumb and forefinger barely millimeters apart.

Shepard understood perfectly. If she let them, the Reapers could have the same effect on her. Some days, they did.

“You don't know what you don't know, right?” she agreed. “When I come across something new, I think two things.”

“What's that?”

“ _What the fuck is that?_ and _Is it going to kill me?_ ”

“Excellent questions.”

“Thanks. They're my qualifying questions. I like to keep it simple. Lately there's a third one though. _How the fuck do I kill it?_ ”

“Another excellent question. So the Reapers. I take it they were the things you didn't know you didn't know?”

“Well, we knew _something_ came before us. They left pieces of themselves everywhere, on a neighboring planet, the mass relays, _this_.” Shepard lifted her hands and glanced around.

Cullen's eyes widened as he looked around like he was seeing it for the first time.

“The Citadel was _here_ when you got here?”

“Crazy right? The asari just found it, moved in and here we are. We didn't even ask what it was for, why it was here, who made it, none of that.”

“Well, _that_ sounds like home.”

Shepard's curiosity got the better of her and she found herself leaning towards him a little. “Yeah? Was it that Veil you were talking about? Is it like that?”

“You remembered.” She was glad he looked pleasantly surprised.

“It's _weird_. I don't forget weird things,” she joked.

“Yeah, well, we didn't think it was weird. It just _was_. Unfortunately we didn't understand how much it protected us until it was gone.”

“And you don't know who created it?”

“Oh, we know _now_.We know it was created millennia ago on the whim of a creature who acted rashly.”

“Sounds like you know him personally,” Shepard teased. Things always ended badly when he talked about home, and she idly wondered if she could steer him away and still learn a thing or two about his home.

Cullen gripped the banister hard and narrowed his eyes darkly at nothing in particular. “He hurt people I care for. Or, that I once cared for.”

She was silent for a moment, letting him stew for a moment until he loosened his grip on the railing. “I'm sorry, Cullen. He sounds...amazingly powerful if he made that thing.”

“He is.”

“It's overwhelming, I know, to come across something so powerful. There's always a way to overcome it though.”

Even though she had no idea what or who she was talking about, Cullen's shoulders eased a smidge and he closed his eyes.

“Perhaps....Maybe there's a means we haven't found yet.” He seemed to be speaking more to himself than to her.

“Before we learned about the catalyst, we were pretty clueless too.” Shepard patted him on the shoulder reassuringly. “Life is full of surprises. Like you, for instance.”

Her change of topic was painfully obvious but he took it in stride.

“You've mentioned your surprise about me before.…” He seemed relieved to get his mind off whoever was haunting him, and his curiosity was winning out.

“Yeah you're pretty damn surprising, Commander. Until now, as far as we knew, humans only came from one planet. Earth.”

“Ah.” He nodded but didn't offer anything else. How could a single man speak for his existence anyway?

She looked away from him and out across the city. She didn't want to make him feel like some mysterious species, but that was exactly what he was. If Mordin could get a hold of him, there would be all kinds of poking and proding.

“The Alliance has protocols on how to address new races we come across. There are diplomatic proceedings and communication tactics that have been developed to handle the unknown,” Shepard explained.

“I thought you only had two questions.” He smirked playfully and Shepard felt her cheeks warm up.

“ _I_ have two questions. Maybe if they ever put me behind a desk, I'll have the luxury of adding more.”

“Ooo, touchy.” Cullen grinned broadly and it dazzled her for a split second. Was it the first time she'd seen him do that?

“Yeah yeah.Well, we never imagined we'd come across our own kind in this galaxy. Or any galaxy. We've always considered ourselves unique.”

“Liara looks similar to us,” Cullen offered. “Even if she is a striking primary color.”

“By all outward appearances, sure, the asari are soft and squishy like us but they're an all female race. They don't reproduce the way most species do, and most of them are natural biotics. The similarities end pretty quickly.”

They were silent for a long moment. She could almost feel the chasm of mystery grow between them, two humans thousands of light years apart.

“So how is it possible?” he asked quietly.

Shepard shrugged. “Liara thinks you or us could have been seeded by the Reapers. You know, for a nice juicy harvest fifty thousand years from now.”

“And what do you believe?”

“Well, it doesn't matter what I believe, does it? It's whatever is true. But being a race of pigs raised for slaughter?” She gave him a dry smile and shook her head. “Not appealing.”

Cullen looked away from her then, his eyes growing distant, and she knew he had traveled back home again.

“Humans just appeared on Thedas a few thousand years ago. They say we came from the north, but we arrived on a continent already fully occupied.” He shrugged helplessly. “That's all we know about ourselves but I'm sure there are others who think they know more.”

“Fully occupied? By whom?”

“Other races. Dwarves and elves. Their history goes father back than humans. The dwarves created a world underground with great cities and highways miles beneath our feet. The elves were the opposite. They ruled above.”

“Past tense?” Shepard asked carefully.

Cullen nodded but shrugged. “For now. I used to think it was our fault. Humans rampaging in and shattering all the other races. They just sought to rule, every one else be dammed.”

“That sounds possible,” Shepard offered, but she sensed that wasn't where he was going.

“Then I hear the elves destroyed themselves, subjugating their own people and laying the foundation of rebellion that changed the world as we know it.”

Cullen looked up at her to gauge her response. “That...um…sounds pretty possible too, Cullen. Sounds like a mystery to me.”

“So you can see why I wasn't quite ready for more mysteries in my life.” The way he said it wasn't defensive per se. It might've even been apologetic. “Now I'm adding mass effect fields, relays and Citadels to my list.”

“There's just the one Citadel,” Shepard corrected.

“Of course. Like there's one Normandy.”

“Yep. The one and only.”

“She's beautiful, really,” Cullen added. “When you first said we were on a flying ship, I couldn't help but think of the ones the Dalish Elves have been known to create back home.”

Shepard arched her eyebrow. So they did fly around down there. “Powered by magic, of course, no great big balls in its sublevels,” Cullen clarified.

“Ah, well, I bet if anyone on your planet saw that great big ball, they'd think it was magic.”

He frowned as he considered it. “Perhaps.”

“Who knows, maybe your elves carry little mini drive cores.”

“No, no way. I'm just going to accept it for what it is. Magic. They're not packing...what did Vega call it? Heat?”

“Well, isn't magic just another word for something we can't explain? I know when humanity was in its own dark ages, we thought leeches were a cure all, that the world was flat and --.”

“Pardon me?” Cullen interrupted, his shoulders suddenly going rigid again. “What are... _dark_ ages?”

Shepard sucked in a sharp breathe through her teeth and immediately tried to back pedal. “Oh, um--it was just a different time--”

“And what kind of time would that be?” Cullen probed. “Something more primitive? Is that the impression you've received from me?”

“No, that's not what I meant. It was just a time before...I don't know....” She felt her momentary fumble dig her deeper. “It's just before more modern thinking was mainstream and--”

“More _civilized_ thinking, you mean? Are you implying all this,” and he gestured around them, “is better than where I'm from? Am I supposed to stand here and feel inferior?”

“No, I--.”

“Feel inferior to _you_ , perhaps? Is that what you would prefer?”

Shepard crossed her arms belligerently and glared. It was the first time she'd ever been accused of a superiority complex and of course it would come from a guy she hardly knew.

“You need to seriously stop putting words in my mouth! I don't have a complex! You're just being...just..ugh!” Her inability to spew what she wanted to say was becoming infuriating. He was so infuriating she could hardly articulate properly.

“A barbarian?” he offered, crossing his own arms now. “Like an addle brained idiot who believes in magic because I don't know any better?”

“Shit,” Shepard breathed in exasperation. “Fuck it. Fine! I was going to say you're being combative, but since you think you know exactly what I'm about to say--.”

Cullen raised a hand to stop her. “I believe you have said enough.” He nodded his head tritly before turning on his heels. “I bid you a good evening.”

With that, Cullen walked away into the gathering dimness.

Shepard leaned heavily against the banister and deflated as she rubbed her hands over her face. That had taken a whole ten minutes before the conversation had imploded on them. A record.

* * *

“So the barbarian pissed you off again, huh?” Garrus asked as they stood on the balcony of a quiet little bar near their apartments on the Presidium. He had found her nursing a drink and leaning against the banister. He knew when she got like this she just needed to stew for a while so he'd let the silence pass between them comfortably for a long while.

“How did you know?” Shepard asked in surprise. Her eyes dimmed with realization and she sighed. “He told you.”

Garrus shrugged casually, taking a sip of his drink. “Apparently, you share some pointers with a man, and he's your best friend. Or I have one of those faces,” he said lightly, hoping to get a smile out of her. Shepard remained sullenly quiet. “Funny thing is, you didn't correct me.”

“What? About being a barbarian? Well he's acting like one, damned if I care where he comes from.”

“Look, Shepard. I don't know the guy, we all barely know him. He seems decent enough though. And the fact remains, he's alone out here. That shit does something to a man. Makes him edgy.”

“He's not alone,” Shepard countered indignantly.

“He is. You and I, we have eachother. We have people we love and care about in relatively easy reach. Whether it's by comm or vid, they're there. He doesn't have that luxury.”

Garrus sidled up to her a little closer, and his voice went an octave lower as he leaned towards her. “He's a man who doesn't know anyone out here. He's trying to figure out this place, figure us out and how he fits in. Let him make friends and find a way to distract himself.” He placed a hand over her's where it rested on the banister. “Something that we do every once in a while too, right?”

Shepard welcomed the familiar comfort of his touch and adjusted her fingers so they could grasp his. The five to three finger ratio had long ago stopped being awkward. “He just seems to be picking fights on purpose, Garrus. Like he wants to be mad.”

“Maybe he does.”

Shepard rolled her eyes and sighed. “Great,” she mumbled.

“Maybe he does it to ground himself. It only happens when you talk about his planet, right? He just needs something to hang on to.” Garrus squeezed her hand and moved his arm to surround her shoulders. “You just happen to be at the ass end of it.”

Shepard leaned her head against Garrus's chest, letting the familiar shape of him comfort her. She missed him sometimes, his deep gravelly voice soothing her in the dark, and the protective cocoon he'd hold her in. She missed him now more than ever, when she lay in bed at night, sleepless and fraught with worry. Especially after those dreams....She'd wake up and reach out for him, only to find his usual spot in her bed cold and empty.

But she had made a resolute choice in ending their relationship. There was too much at stake now. If something happened to her, she didn't want him to fall apart. He needed to be strong for too many people.

“I'm at the ass end of a few things, aren't I?”

“You know you're not, Shepard. You may be on a few shit lists, but you're not on the ass end of anything.”

That got a small chuckle from her, and Garrus held her closer. She could feel him hesitate, not sure if any of this was appropriate, but she abandoned her resolution, if but for a moment, and wrapped her arms around his waist. Following her lead, his other arm wove around her and he looked down at her upturned face.

“I'm glad I have you to hold on to, Garrus Vakarian. I'm pretty sure I'd just curl up in a ball and hide if it weren't for you.”

He smiled and flicked his mandibles playfully at her. “Now why do I find that hard to believe?”

He leaned his head down and touched his forehead gently to hers as they stood in comfortable silence.

* * *

Cullen stepped up behind Tali on the balcony of their apartments. It too had a sprawling view of the Presidium all around them, but Cullen felt the need to restrain any renewed awe.

“Good evening, Tali. Are you enjoying the view?” Her stance was odd as she stood stock still on the balcony, her eyes set on something in the distance.

“Hmmm.”

“I would think you'd be used to it by now, right?” he ventured again, trying to prod her gently into conversation. He'd raved at Garrus for two minutes, and sulked in his room for fifteen, but found that it did little to distract him from his latest foray with Shepard. Friendly conversation was his only other option.

“Hmmm? Oh yes... I mean no. You never quite get used to the Presidium,” she said quietly.

She looked away from what had captured her attention but Cullen's curiosity got the better of him. He peered onto the balconies beside them, and one nearby proved to be the source of her distraction.

“Ah, I see,” he said quietly. “Might I venture to guess that it wasn't the Presidium you were looking at then?”

It was an odd sight, and yet not. A very alien creature holding a very human female should have disrupted some kind of logic in his growing catalog of wonders and mysteries. Instead, they simply looked like two people, finding a moment's respite.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Tali said dismissive as she sat on a nearby couch.

Cullen raised an eyebrow to hint he was on to her, and Tali heaved a hearty sigh.

“I don't get it,” she muttered. “She broke it off with him. Why does he insist on hovering around her like a lost varen?”

Cullen sat down across from her and frowned. “Well if a varen is like a dog, I imagine there's some fierce loyalty behind all that hovering.”

“They're more like rats, actually,” she muttered disdainfully.

“Ah, yes well, rats....” Cullen's frowned deepened as he fished around from some positive rat traits. “Rats stick together,” he blurted. “Family is very important to them. I mean, how often do you only see just one?”

“You're really reaching now, Cullen.” Her fingers twisted anxiously in her lap, but he could hear the smile behind her skepticism.

“Perhaps...,” he conceeded. “But if there is one thing I've learned, she can manipulate people to believe anything. Perhaps she's toying with him on purpose.”

Tali froze and just looked at him silently, her hands motionless in her lap.

“What are you talking about?” she finally asked.

“I swear the woman finds every opportunity to be condescending,” Cullen said matter-of-factly. “One minute she's a pleasure to be around, and then she slips in some cutting remark to feel in control, or superior...or something.”

Cullen had more recently left the nuances of human psychology and social etiquette to Leliana and Josephine so he wasn't the most adept at it lately. He was better at military tactics than reading a room.

Even so, he figured he had a basic enough understanding of how people worked, and he wasn't sure he and Shepard would ever see eye to eye.

Life had taught him to never judge people too quickly. Too many mages had become his fast friends, and too many templars his enemies for him to ever make petty mistakes like that again. But he was surely allowed to judge them after getting to know them....

“That doesn't sound like her,” Tali objected staunchly. When Cullen just lifted an eyebrow in question, Tali shook her head adamantly. “She's one of the most honest people I've ever met. Actually, _the_ most honest. For a species that just sort of charged it's way into the galaxy, she's exceedingly diplomatic and trustworthy.”

“And yet you're upset with her? About...,” He gestured vaguely in the direction of the far balcony.

“I'm not upset with _her_ ,” Tali clarified, taken aback that he could have read the situation so inaccurately. He could just hear Leliana chiding him now…. “I think _he's_ being a doting idiot, but I'm not blaming her for that.”

Tali lowered her head and looked down at her hands, quiet and pensive for a moment. “I can't really blame him either. She's arguably the most important person in this galaxy. Nothing sexier than that, right?”

“Flaunting power is hardly a positive characteristic,” Cullen argued.

“Oh she doesn't flaunt it. If anything, she's burdened with it. Everyone idolizes her, but no one wants to be her. Only she could do what she does.”

Cullen looked back to where Shepard and Garrus stood. They stood apart now and seemed to have resume their conversation. That she was important was obvious, but important to the entire galaxy? Was she leading the entire war effort and not just that ship? Cullen couldn't even begin to fathom what that entailed.

“They were together only a few months ago,” Tali continued in the lengthening silence. “Humans that venture outside of their race for...relationships are rare. They're relatively new to the galactic stage and they tend to stick together. But not Shepard. She understands the strength in diversity. That we all have something to bring to the table.”

Tali was quiet again, cocking her head curiously at him. “I'll bet she feels the same way about you.”

Cullen remained silent. Clearly his take on Shepard wasn't the same as Tali's. Loyalty indeed. It appeared Shepard struck a meaningful cord in a few of their hearts.

He had followed loyalty too and each time it had lead him astray. It had called first his sanity and then his duty into question, in Kinloch Hold and in Kirkwall. But it was in Skyhold where loyalty had lead his heart astray for the first time. Perhaps he was a worse read on women than he realized.

Still, the fact remained he wouldn't give his loyalty so freely now.

“Perhaps I'll be lucky to discover that for myself,” he ventured guardedly, keeping his doubts carefully secreted away.

“What about you, Cullen? Is there someone at home wondering where in the stars you've gone off to?”

Cullen shook his head. “No one wonders after me, Tali.”

Tali must have read something in the way he'd said it. “Do you wish that there was?”

Cullen closed his eyes and tipped his head onto the back of the chair. “Don't we all? At one point or another?”

“Sorry, I don't mean to pry--.”

“It's okay, Tali. I--I'm fine with it. She just fell in love with someone else. Someone I wish she _hadn't_ fallen in love with, but that's beside the point. I must have misread the signs or something....”

“Maybe _she_ lead you on?” Tali ventured.

Cullen chuckled at the irony. “Quite possibly. And I'm too much of a lout to have realized.”

“You're not a lout, whatever that is. Sometimes we see what we want to see, right? Love is weird like that. It's like, I don't know, _magic_.”

Cullen laughed aloud. There was no way Tali could've known what had set him off at Shepard. It hadn't been long but he was already regretting lashing out at her. She was taking the brunt of his tantrums and she just kept coming back....

“Is he a bad guy, that guy?” Tali asked.

“Pardon?”

“That guy the woman you love fell in love with?”

“Oh, Maker's Breathe, there is no way to answer that one, I'm afraid. Maybe when you take me home you can decide for yourself.”

That gave Tali pause, and while he couldn't read her expression, her rigidity indicated he'd caught her off guard.

“Wow. Well. Now that you've totally piqued my curiosity....” Tali stood up and stepped towards the door. “I'll just say goodnight then.”

“Where does all this leave you, Tali?” He knew she understood, because she glanced at Garrus and Shepard one last time.

Tali shrugged. “Hoping for a little magic, I guess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!


	7. Act I - Chapter 7: Stargazers

Shepard allowed their shore leave to last a little longer this time around. With tips from Tali, Vega and Garrus combined, Cullen was becoming something of a force of nature with his gun. Well, he'd become a rolling and dodging force anyway.

For a man of his stature and build, he was incredibly fast and lithe. Garrus even had a hard time keeping him in his sights, which was a feat in and of itself.

When asked about it, Cullen shrugged modestly and muttered something about fireballs, leaving them all a bit more intrigued than before.

It was on the eve of their departure that Shepard made her way to Huerta Memorial again. As luck would have it, she'd had the opportunity to bump into Thane.

A skilled assassin and a gentle soul rolled into one, her heart ached as she learned of how far advanced the Kepral's syndrome had taken him. He was making his peace and Shepard couldn't have been prouder to have had such a man by her side months before. While their meeting was brief, it clung to her like a shroud as she made her way to Kaiden's room.

Kaiden had been resting during her first visit, and her remaining business on the Citadel had kept her away longer than she'd expected.

This time, when she stepped into his room, he was sitting up and looking out of the large windows that made up his exterior wall.

“Shepard,” he said in pleasant surprise, shifting in his bed which caused his blanket to slide down his chest a little.

“How're you doing, soldier?” she asked as she walked over to take a seat next to him.

“Oh you know, being poked and proded, stuffed with food and water like I'm a bottomless pit. Otherwise, not too bad.”

“Sounds like a vacation,” Shepard teased. “Especially the part about being poked and prodded,” she winked. “Now you're just sticking around on purpose, aren't you?”

Kaiden laughed deep in his chest. “There's some nice looking nurses around here that I don't entirely mind.” He sat up a little straighter and his tone lowered seriously. “How are you doing, Shepard? I heard they were starting work on the Crucible?”

“Yeah,” she sighed. “I hope they have everything they need to get it done. I'm finding resources where I can but....” She drifted off and splayed her hands helplessly with a shrug.

“It'll be enough, Shepard,” Kaiden reassured her. “Somehow you always manage to pull through.”

“Yeah well, I'm not so sure this time, Kaiden. This is bigger than all of us combined. My latest challenge is Wrex holding his support for the war effort hostage until we cure the genophage. Actually _cure_ it!” There was little she could do to emphasize the mind boggling enormity of it.

“Do you think it should be cured?” Kaiden asked, eying her carefully.

“Personally, I don't think any civilization has the right to tamper with the genetics of another,” she said without a moment's hesitation. “But what I personally think doesn't matter. The salarians have made it abundantly clear they don't support curing it, so it's a matter of who we need more.”

“I think you're wrong, Shepard. About this not being a personal decision. You're out there because you've made the right calls, and that's almost always based on your personal opinion. I don't think you should question it.”

Shepard smiled thinly. “Right. As if that's not batshit crazy or anything. What if I was in a pissy mood for a couple of minutes?”

Kaden grinned and shook his head. “Some of your best work is when you're pissy.”

She punched him lightly on the shoulder. “You always know how to make a girl feel better. ”

“You're the only girl I _want_ to make feel better.”

His tone had taken on an intensity that made Shepard flush and drop eye contact. “Kaiden...I...um... Doctors say you'll be up and about pretty soon.” she said, quickly changing the topic.

“Yeah, thank God. I think my ass is flattening out sitting here all day.”

“We could use you as soon as you feel up to it. We head to Sur'kesh next so I don't drag this decision out any longer than I have to.” She stood up and tried to put on her most winning smile. “I just wanted to see how you were doing. You get better alright? It's not the same without you on board.”

Kaiden, for his part, took her awkward behavior in stride and nodded with a smile. “Aye aye, Commander. I'm glad you dropped by.”

She smiled again and left his room without looking back.

* * *

After Sur'kesh, their ship had become just a bit more crowded, and Shepard now welcomed Mordin's absent humming again. She'd forgotten how much she missed it. And now they also had the wisdom and serenity of Eve, an absolute dichotomy to her male counterparts. Shepard found herself sitting and talking to the woman like she'd known her for a lifetime. It was a pleasant surprise for once, in a galaxy full of unpleasant ones.

One such surprise she could've lived without was the message from the Dalatrass about sabotaging the whole cure. It was a cold and cruel offer, and one that every inch of Shepard's body recoiled from. Even looking at the Dalatrass made her skin scrawl.

It should've made her choice easier. Slimy salarian allies or the victimized Krogan, but she was smart enough to know not all salarians were slimy and not all Krogans were innocent. The only thing the conversation managed to do was make Shepard's stomach churn with indecision and sent her straight to the bar.

Instead of Cullen on his own like he usually was, she found he had company. Garrus and Vega occupied the back left room and were going through the finer points of poker with Cullen. Before she could quickly sneak away unnoticed, seeing as she wasn't in a particularly playful mood, she'd caught their attention.

“Lola! Care to join us for a little playful round? Pretty boy here needs to win a hand or two. Figure you could help with that,” said Vega, grinning broadly.

“I'm kicking your ass just fine,” Garrus said quietly with a smile in his voice as he kept his eyes on his cards.

“The other pretty boy, then. What do you say, Commander?”

“Maybe some other time, Vega. I have reports I have to write up before we hit Tuchanka.”

She tried to sound as light and casual as possible, but the strain in her voice was painfully loud and clear. She was pretty sure it could've bounced off the walls and ricocheted back to smack her in the face.

As she turned to the bar, it appeared that she had been partially successful. Vega and Garrus were in the throws of their game and took her excuse in stride. To her surprise, Cullen was the one who looked up from his cards to scrutinize her. At least he was the only one she had to awkwardly address. “I'm just going to grab a drink and head up.”

As she listened to Garrus and Vega smack talk while she rattled around the bar, she had the distinct impression that Cullen was watching her every move. She didn't dare look up to confirm it.

“Cheers, boys!” she called out happily as she quickly crossed to the door, and the two of them toasted her back without looking up from their hands. Cullen's brow was all scrunched together now and she pointedly kept her eyes off him.

Up in her room, Shepard set herself down heavily at her desk, and stared blankly at the screen in front of her. She didn't want to write reports to Admiral Hacket. She didn't want to recap what had happened on Sur'kesh or any mission in between. The task was mindless, just a regurgitation of events for the record, but it afforded her no opportunities to think.

If she could just close her eyes for a moment and think about what she was doing... What she was going to do.…

It could've been minutes or an hour, but a soft tapping at her door startled her out of her cyclical thoughts. Normally people asked for permission to disturb her quiet little haven. Liara had a little more leeway, and if it was her maybe she should tell her everything the Dalatrass had said....

“Come in,” she called, straightening up quickly to appear busy at her desk.

As she glanced over her shoulder, it wasn't Liara who entered, or anyone she would remotely expect.

“Cullen!” she exclaimed, probably louder than was absolutely necessary.

“Pardon the intrusion, Commander,” he said quietly, only his head peeping in. Shepard recovered from a moment's stunned silence and eventually swiveled in her chair and gestured him in.

“What can I do for you, Cullen?” She put on her best businesslike tone and crossed her arms and legs simultaneously for lack of anything better to do with them.

“You seemed a bit... um...strained earlier, Commander,” he said quietly. “And I was concerned.”

It was the last thing she expected him to say. They hadn't spoken in the week since they'd left the Citadel and they'd developed that annoying tension between them again. She was resigned to believe that was just how their dynamic would be from here on out.

“I'm fine, Commander Cullen. Why would you think otherwise?”

“My interest is purely professional, I assure you. When leaders are showing signs of wear, it can be trouble for all of us.”

Shepard frowned and glared at him. “Well, that's a pleasant sentiment. But I promise you, my being in a shitty mood won't put your life at risk.”

“I didn't say it would,” he said quickly. “But for the little time I've known you, you drink for pleasure, among your friends.” He nodded towards the drink on her desk, along with the full bottle she'd smuggled in from the bar. “Drinking alone means something else entirely.”

“My, aren't you observant,” she said dryly, mildly impressed that he'd notice something as small but telling as that.

Cullen stood straighter and clasped his hands behind his back. She was struck by how much of a soldier he really was. That they were handing a gun to a man who'd seen actual battle was mildy comforting, whatever battles those had been.

“I'm alive today because I observe, Commander Shepard. The day I stop is the day I die.”

She leaned back in her chair, not sure how to respond to his gravity. She eyed him critically for a moment, letting the silence hang heavily between them. To his credit, he didn't fidget or waver under her gaze, and she thought she had a pretty good hardass stare.

There was more to this guy than she knew, she was sure of it. He put on a stoney facade and kept a rigid backbone, but this one had stories to tell. He had layers to chip away at, and she was curious to see how much she could chisel away. Before all hell broke loose, of course. That seemed to happen too easily with them.

“Fine,” she said, standing up. “I'll bite. What would you recommend cures a moral crisis?”

He cocked his head in question, but he seemed to consider it carefully. “I'm not sure if the effect is the same here as it would be back home....”

“Well shit, it's worth a shot. Whaddya got?”

Cullen shrugged. “Follow me, please.”

Shepard didn't hide her confusion but shrugged and followed him out the door, snatching her bottle of whiskey for added protection.

They didn't speak as they took the elevator ride down, and it gave her a free moment to think about something else other than the krogran.

More specifically, the mystery of other humans in the galaxy. She'd already taken the message up the chain of command, but with everyone working full speed on the Crucible and just trying to survive, adding another confounding mystery to their list wasn't a top priority.

Instead, she had Liara all over it. If an archeologist turned Shadow Broker couldn't dredge up some intel on this, well, _no one_ could. And Shepard wasn't about to settle for the whole seeding story. Humans originated on Earth and Cullen only strengthened that argument because his people had no idea where they came from.

They walked out of the elevator and she followed him towards the starboard observation deck.

“Here,” he said simply. She did like this room for its floor to ceiling view of the stars. Most of the time they were in FTL so the view was largely a blur, but it was pretty nonetheless. Now if she could only get a chance to enjoy it, wouldn't that be something?

“Yeah, okaaaaay,” she bobbed her head up and down slowly. Then shook her head abruptly. “I don't get it.”

“My personal cure for a moral crisis,” he said gesturing towards the window. “Stargazing.”

Shepard smiled. It was cute. “Is that so?”

Cullen shrugged, his countenance casual but still cautious. “In my more recent memory, I spent the better part of my nights staring at the stars.” His voice trailed away as he walked closer to the window, the blur dizzying to anyone not used to it. “Of course, it was largely due to the _hole_ in the roof above my bed.” He smirked and placed a flat palm on the glass.

“Nice. A hole, huh?” Shepard teased. “I prefer the window over mine, personally.”

“So do I...,” he said quietly to the glass. Shepard's eyebrows shot up the second he said it. It was the same second he rounded on her, eyes wide, and started to stammer. “Wait. What? That's not what I--I meant. Windows are preferable to h-holes over any bed. Your hole--your window--is.... ” Shepard bit her lip to contain her laughter. Cullen palmed his forehead in exasperation before leaning miserably against the glass. “Oh, Maker's Breathe, I'm shutting up.”

It was a rare thing to see him not angry or rigidly serious. He had an awkward cuteness to him that she immediately warmed to.

She laughed quietly. “It's okay, Cullen,” she reassured him. “I know you're not talking about my hole.”

He flared a bright red and looked ready to dive behind a couch, but she quickly changed topic to help him out. “I'm thinking FTL sucks for stargazing though, huh? Joker?” she asked the comm in the room.

“Heya, Commander,” came his typical cheery voice filling the air.

“Think you can take us out of FTL for a few minutes?”

“Sure, but we gots places to go and Reapers to shoot.”

“Its okay, just for a few minutes. Put it on cruise control.”

“Pft, yeah okay. I'll just tie a belt around the steering wheel. Someone get me a brick for the gas pedal!”

His voice clicked off the comm and Shepard moved to sit cross legged on the floor. It didn't feel so long ago that she'd been doing almost the exact same thing with Samara...

The view outside of the window suddenly shifted and everything came to a seeming halt. The ship was still booking it, of course, but they could've been suspended immobile in space for all the difference it made.

“Better?” Shepard asked

“Much.” He still seemed too annoyed with himself to act normal just yet, so Shepard patted the floor beside her.

“Alright soldier, at ease, chill out, relax. I could really use some insight right about now.”

Cullen dubiously stared at the spot on the floor like it would ensnare him somehow. When he sat down, one leg straight and the other bent up in a semblance of nonchalance, Shepard proded again.

“Okay, so we're stargazing. What now?”

“Well, erm..., we think about our problems. Take the time for reflection, introspection, our tinyness in the grande scheme of things.”

Shepard sighed, hiding her mild frustration. She remembered the whisky still in her hand and took a pull. “I live in space, Cullen. I hate to tell you, but stars are kind of a normal thing out here.”

“I did warn you the effect may be lost out here. But it's all the more reason for you to really _look_ ,” he insisted. “It's what's right under our noses that we usually miss, right?”

Shepard had to agree to that, on so many levels, so she paused and let the view through the window truly set in.

“What am I looking for?” she asked as her eyes hopped across the stars, naturally trying to pick out patterns in the chaos.

“Yourself,” he said simply.

“That's too bad, because I think I see a turtle drinking a cocktail. Little umbrella and everything.”

Cullen grinned and Shepard winked at him, offering him a sip which he accepted.

“Nice try. How's this?” he tried again. “What bothers you in here won't bother you out there.”

“True, but I'll have new problems, like breathing.”

Shepard bit her lip at how exasperated he seemed. Okay, now was probably the time to cut the crap. She took another swig and braced herself.

“Bare with me, Commander,” he continued with a mock snarl. The scar on his lip was a little more pronounced and her eyes followed his movement. “You're being faced with a decision. What aspect of this decision is making it so difficult for you?”

“Politics. And people are dicks. But mostly politics.”

“Good, because politics and dickish people are the first things to go when faced with a moral crisis.”

“Yeah well, unfortunately I can't just forget about it because we need a fighting force. We need to win this war and I need to get on people's good sides.”

“Maybe this would be easier if you explain?”

“It's a long story, Cullen.”

“The executive summary then.”

Shepard took a deep breathe. “There was a bad war the Salarians, Turians, and Asari were fighting a thousand some odd years ago.”

“The rachni wars?”

Shepard did a double take and Cullen shrugged. “I've been catching up on my galactic history. Rather fascinating.”

“Wow.” It was impressive, even though the history of this galaxy was anything but dull. “Well did you read about the Krogan rebellions then?”

Cullen turned back to the window before responding. He was either trying to remember or was formulating an answer. “You're being asked to cure it? The genophage?”

“So you've heard?”

“It seems to be at the forefront of Mordin's mind. It's a big deal.”

“It is a big deal. This thing has crippled the Krogan for way too long.”

“Crippled? Your choice of words is telling. Then you've already made your decision. Where's the dilemma?”

“I'd lose the most intellectually advanced race's support for this war.”

“This war will find them, Commander, whether they support you or not. What matters is what decision will help you sleep at night.” Shepard didn't respond right away, so Cullen forged on. “When you're alone, when you're the only one judging yourself, can you live with yourself?”

The answer was obvious. It's not like she hadn't thought about that part. “Yeah, okay. I get it.”

They were both quiet for a while as the stars continued to float before them. Shepard wondered if they could get a mirrored floor installed so it would be like floating in space....

“If you knew me ten years ago,” he said into the silence, “I might've suggested you keep the Krogan sterile.” He said it very simply and Shepard did a double take.

“What? Seriously?”

“Indeed. We have a group of very strong, very powerful people back at home. They wield  
..well…I don't have another word for it besides..... _Magic_ ….”

Cullen hesitated and turned to gauge her reaction. Shepard suddenly felt indescribably guilty. Who he thought she was wasn't who she really was, and that had to change.

Now was her chance to apologize again. “You know, I believe in magic, Cullen. We all do. You just won't hear us say magic around here. It's usually an _anomaly_. Or just plain fucking weird.” She winked and grinned broadly.

“Oh.” His lips made and held the perfect shape as he looked at her in surprise. “I hear Joker saying that all the time.”

“Yeah, so does EDI and she's got the big smarts.” She smiled her most endearing lopsided smile to humble herself. “I'm so sorry for offending you before. I really do need to work on my communication skills.”

His lips slowly curled into a playful smirk and she sighed silently in relief.

“Anomaly, huh? Okay, I can use that.” His posture relaxed slightly and he reached out for the proffered bottle. “Thank you, Shepard. I apologize as well. My behavior was less than civil.”

Shepard smiled and nodded for him to continue.

“Right. So these people, whom we call mages, evoke powerful _anomalies_. It's a force that no one fully understands, but it's always existed, and it's a part of them from birth.”

“And you thought you could control them?”

Cullen nodded. “Besides running, what's the next best reaction to fear, right? We locked them up in prisons, told them it was in everyone's best interest. Some strived to see the benefit of it. They found family, friends, love among each other. Others...not so much.”

“And what part did you play?”

“At first? One of many righteous keepers. A Templar, trained to counter their power if things got out of hand.” He closed his eyes now and rubbed his finger tips over his lids. “I really thought it was a mission from the Maker. To keep mages separate from the rest of the world. To protect others from them, when in fact, they were the ones that needed protection.”

“What changed?”

“I did.”

Shepard smiled, but didn't respond in the hopes he would elaborate. Cullen sighed and stretched out his other leg, crossing them at the ankles and leaning back against the couch. Casual confidence, with a dash of reminiscing. It looked good on him.

“I made some unexpected mage friends and some doubly unexpected Templar enemies. It changes one's perspective. But by that point, we'd held them down for too long. Their fire had burned hotter the harder we had tried to stamp it out.”

“They rebelled?”

He nodded. “Tensions came to a head. It's all worked out for the best now. Mages truly govern themselves as they always should have. Your situation is not much different. Who are you or anyone, to deny the Krogan their rights to exist as they are? Fire will find its freedom.”

“Fire burns, Cullen.”

“Fire cleanses too. Gives everyone a new perspective. And if I'm not mistaken, our galaxy could use a thorough cleansing.”

Shepard laughed humorlessly. “Use them as our cavalry? Our heavy weights?”

“No, let them do what they're best at. Let them fight. Your job is to give them something to fight for.”

They were silent for a long time. She counted herself lucky to hear from someone so unfamiliar with the convoluted web the Council created. It was red tape bullshit more often than not so this was...refreshing. And simple. And agreed with her every instinct.

Her mind more at ease, Shepard curled her legs under her and leaned towards Cullen, forgetting about the view for a moment.

“So there's peace where you live now?” she asked curiously.

“I wouldn't go that far,” Cullen corrected. “The mages are at peace with the world, for the most part. Still leaves the rest of the mess I left behind.”

“Big baddie who made the Veil?”

“Him and numerous others. I believe you found me preparing for one invasion and caught by surprise by a second.”

“Shit, so that's what that was....”

“Oh you have no idea. I haven't even told you about the Qunari....”

“I'd like to hear about it sometime. All of it. Before we get you back home.”

Now Cullen took her bottle when she hadn't offered it. “I'd need more of this.”

“That can be arranged.”

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the couch. “It's never a dull moment where I'm from, except for the ones I created myself.”

“Yeah?” Shepard wasn't ready to darken the conversation with stories of his war and he didn't seem all that ready to share. So she took the easy route. “What do your dull moments look like?”

“Reading a book, polishing my blade--”

“Hey there now,” she teased mischievously.

“I'll have you know, that was _not_ innuendo,” he countered, opening one twinkling amber eye in her direction.

“So fighting, reading and polishing your sword. That's it?”

“Drills, training. Maybe some chess. Definitely _not_ Wicked Grace. Blasted cards--.”

“Any _one_?” Shepard blurted the question before she could stop herself. She hadn't realized she was curious until about a second ago. Right? Right. Liara could never know.

Cullen kept his eyes closed, but a small smile played along his lips, and she watched his expression soften even more. “Absolutely not.”

“Absolutely, huh? As in...no way in hell because that's not your _thing_?” Was she actually still probing more questions?

“As in, absolutely not, but not for a lack of trying.”

“So there was someone and now there isn't. Is that because we kidnapped you or because....?”

His smile broadened as he turned to her. “Commander Shepard, you are a curious one, aren't you?”

Shepard sat up straighter, totally unaware of how far she'd been leaning towards him. “Purely professional, Commander Cullen.” She coughed and cleared her throat, putting on her best serious face.

He cocked an eyebrow playfully, hearing his own words echoed back. “She was our leader, our Inquisitor, more than a year ago now. An accidental hero, I suppose.”

“With greatness thrust upon her?” Shepard added knowingly.

“So you know the type?” he teased.

Shepard shrugged. “Bumped into one once. So what happened?”

“Nothing happened. I thought I did it all right, said all the right things, danced....” He shrugged and Shepard noted that the solider in him was officially put on the back burner. “Someone else had caught her attention. Someone she felt a closer bond to, I suppose.”

“I'm sorry...that…that sucks.”

“That's how I felt for a while. Unfortunately I couldn't just turn off my feelings when she turned me down, so I ended up watching her own love affair unfold while I stood aside.”

“Are they still together?”

Cullen chuckled. “No, decidedly not. He turned out to be a God.”

“ _That_ guy? The guy who made the Veil? What the fuck?”

“Exactly my thoughts at the time. Stiff competition, right?”

“Eh, I prefer demigods myself. More _down_ to _earth_.” She percussioned her own punch line with a flourish and Cullen laughed.

“Dancing and jokes then, huh?”

“I know you're wondering.” She blinked innocently. “And yes, I was born that good.”

She reached out to lightly punch him in the shoulder. This was good. This was all so good that she wondered when it would implode. Maybe it actually wouldn't this time. Just maybe....

“Thanks,” she said sincerely.

“For?”

“For your advice.”

“Are you properly out of your moral crisis then?”

“We'll have to see when I get to that point, I guess. For now, I'm good. I could keep using a break, though. It's been nice to unwind.”

“How may I be of service?” He bowed just his head like the perfect proper gentlemen, and Shepard flushed a little. Single huh?

“Ever used sparring as stress relief?” she asked tentatively.

He grinned. “All the time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow sorry for the long hiatus! Started playing mass effect Andromeda and got sidetracked. Alas, Shepard and crew will always be my <3
> 
> Thanks for reading guys!


	8. Act I - Chapter 8: The Sound of Grief

Commander Shepard became a ghost of herself in the days after the events on Tuchanka. Outwardly, she maintained the same cool composure and decisiveness Cullen had come to identify in her leadership style. Yet, there was an underlying desperation to her every action, to every mission that she now rushed forward to accept.

She was losing people. People she cared for deeply.

Cullen had met the Salarian scientist only a handful of times, mostly in the medical bay where he'd set up shop. While Chakwas poked and proded him with more followup tests, he'd gotten to know a little bit about both him and the female Krogan.

Eve, on one hand, sat curled up on her bed, and spoke gently and calmly. Every word she said had a soothing quality to it, laced with the undertones of a patient and kind wisdom. He usually found himself relaxed upon leaving the med bay after one of her stories.

Mordin, on the other hand, never stopped doing _something_. The few conversations he'd had with the scientist was a whirlwind of information and questions. He seemed nice enough but Cullen had the distinct feeling his every word was analyzed and cataloged for some future scientific inquiry. He was so busy rushing around the room, preparing his cure and fretting over Eve that Cullen felt dizzy just watching him.

When Mordin did have to stand still, Cullen was surprised to hear a rather catchy and memorable tune that he sang rather well. It had something to do with a “scientist Salarian...” and an “asari batarian”. If he wasn't singing it, the Salarian was humming it, and it seemed to keep his spirits up either way.

It was this tune that Cullen had the misfortune of having stuck in his head _after_ the events on Tuchanka. Preparing a meal in the small mess area, he found himself enthusiastically humming it aloud, maybe even louder than was strictly necessary, and blurting out the words he knew.

Just as he was laying the top slice of bread on his sandwich, he'd heard a short gasp by the tables. Shepard stood frozen in mid-stride, eyes wide in horror, watching him.

Kicking himself ferociously, he had stammered out an apology and watched helplessly as she had continued on her way at a more clipped pace.

It was bad enough that his advice turned to ash in his mouth when she had returned ragged after battle. He'd wanted to console her, comfort her, apologize to her. He felt partially responsible, telling her how easy it was to do the right thing, it's measure a simple good night's sleep. It sounded hollow and ludicrous now. In what world did a good deed go unpunished? In what universe was anything black and white?

He'd wanted to talk to her, but she would have none of it. Not from him, not from anyone. Now he had only added to her loss by so carelessly reminding her of it.

It was a few days later now, his mind in a million places are once, when Liara stopped him in the hallway.

“Cullen, a word please?” Her cool and calm attitude never seemed to waver or warm up around him, so he could never be sure if she actually liked him. She was the only crew member he was still unsure of. Instead of questioning her no nonsense authority though, he followed her wordlessly.

Once in her screen filled office, she grabbed a pad off the table, and started tapping away at it, leaving him to listlessly stand around and wait.

“Cullen, tell me what you know about the Veil. Absolutely anything and everything.”

To the point then. He stood at attention. He knew one of Liara's projects was to get him home and Shepard must have filled her in on their conversations.

“Why, what's happening? Is the situation improving?”

“Not exactly, no. It doesn't appear to be getting worse, either.” Tap tap on her screen. “You told Shepard it's a man made construct, right?”

Cullen sighed, not out of frustration, but at having to rearrange his initial mind frame. This would be a more instructive meeting for her then, not an enlightening meeting for him.

“I wouldn't say _man_ made, but made, yes.” Now was as good a time as any to talk about the details. He couldn't be sure what Shepard had relayed. “It exists everywhere as a barrier between our world and the next. Think of it like…what separates oil and water.”

“So no human remembers a time before the Veil?”

“No human and no _one_. Save for one person, as far as I know.”

“The guy who created it?”

Cullen winced. “Yeah, _that_ guy.” Solas being referred to as ' _that_ guy who made that _thing_ ' seemed way too much of an understatement, really.

“So he created it as a barrier between you and something you call the Fade. This _next_ world?”

“Yes. He claims to have devised it to protect his people. Creatures as powerful as him used it, tapped into its energy, to enslave and oppress their own.”

“Interesting. He was out for the little guy, huh?”

Cullen shrugged. “So he claims. We only learned about all of this recently. We knew far less a year ago.”

Liara jotted down some notes and furrowed her brow, likely wondering where to go next.

“So this _afterlife_ \--” she began, but Cullen immediately cut in to correct her.

“It's not just an afterlife, Liara. Most of us go there when we dream. Mages draw power from it to cast their... _anomalies_.” That got a quirked eyebrow from the scientist. “But I know people who have gone their physically.”

“Is that right?” She sounded so highly skeptical that Cullen fought the urge to frown. He had to be patient here, and he only knew so little.

“Yes, it's the truth. Those things you saw chasing after me when you rescued me, came from the Fade. They are very real, I assure you.”

This gave Liara pause. She typed more notes but started to chew her lip in deliberation.

Cullen's voice lowered, his mind drifting back. “Liara, those things that you saw? They're the manifestation of some of man's deepest fears and weaknesses. Hunger, desire, rage, sloth...they all manifest themselves into demons upon entering the world _I_ live in.”

He shook his head to clear the cobwebs of blurred visions in the darkness. “Pride is the worst. Absolutely.”

“Hang on. Emotions manifest themselves _physically_ in this place?” She was starting to look truly flabbergasted now.

Cullen shook his head, sure he would only confuse her more if he kept going. “No, but there are spirits, both good and evil, in the Fade. They latch onto their favorite emotion, and manifest it. The good ones are spirits of faith...compassion.... _justice_.”

“That's… _interesting_. To tell you the truth, I don't know what to do with that, Cullen. I can't quantify _spirits_.”

“That's okay. You said you wanted to know everything.”

“Clearly I didn't realize what I was asking.”

“Understandable.”

She was quiet again and Cullen tried to think about where he could help steer her thoughts. The physical aspects, the part keeping them from landing, may be what would interest her.

“Is it helpful for you to know that Solas, the _guy_ who made the Veil, spoke of how the world as we knew it could be manipulated by mere thought and intention?”

This seemed to quirk her interest. “That's amazing.”

“Before the Veil, when the Fade was just as much a part of everything as the grass in the ground and the blue in the sky, it was as simple to just think something into reality.” Cullen shook his head at the impossibility of it, but there is was, that's what he'd been told.

“It's a quantum paradise,” Liara muttered.

“Pardon?”

“We have a science we call quantum mechanics. It looks at matter and mass on the smallest scale we know today. There's plenty of evidence and research out there that points to something similar to what you're describing. Particles at that scale can actually change _because_ they're under observation. They become what we _want_ to see, so it's nearly impossible to know what they are when we're not looking.” She closed her eyes dreamily, reveling in the joys of a scientist. “They are the truest, most raw form of potential than anything else in the universe. Our biotics come close to tapping into it, but we're still so limited.”

“Wow.” So much for that anomaly.

“This is good, I can work with this Cullen. For now.” She started muttering as she took notes. Something about quantum fields, portals, relays, alternative dimensions that Cullen couldn't make heads or tails out of.

He was about to excuse himself since Liara seemed fully capable of having a conversation without him, when her next question stopped him.

“Now can you tell me anything about the massive life forms we found on the planet?” Her eyes were cast down onto her tablet, so she didn't even note his jaw drop. “It's what drew us there in the first place, hoping for some heavy lifters in our war--”

She looked up and paused. “Cullen?”

“What did you say?”

Now Liara shifted nervously, and made a show of checking her tablet again. “Um, there was something giving off a biologically produced signal that helped us hone in on your planet....”

"What do you mean by...massive?"

Liara shifted uncomfortably and scrutinized his expression, trying to figure out whether this was a test or truly his ignorance. 

"Well it was strange, to say the least. I'm saying they're massive because of the strength of their frequencies. It was like, I don't know.“ She searched around the room for an analogy to help explain, “Like you shouting at the top of your lungs versus someone one hundred times your size. We can guess scale based on the sound waves you emit.“

Cullen thought about it for a moment, even as he felt the knot tighten in his stomach. 

“What if I had an amplifier that made me sound one hundred times bigger?“

“Well, sure,“ Liara conceded. "That would work too, but there was no hint of technological interfer--."

"Magic?" Cullen interrupted unhelpfully.

Liara widened her eyes in surprise and obvious doubt. "Sure, there's  _that_. What exactly are you thinking of, Cullen? What is it we could have heard?" 

“I don't know. Old gods? New gods? Forgotten gods no one's even heard of?" His voice rose in panic at all the possibilities, but he quickly backpedaled before Liara thought he was completely unhinged. "What did it sound like? How many did you hear?”

It couldn't be a Blight, not so soon after the Fifth....

“Two? Maybe three? They were frequencies, we didn't actually physically hear anything.”

“If it's what I think you heard, you don't want their help. Trust me.” He shook his head firmly and rubbed the heels of his palms into his eyes, fighting back the torrent of questions that Liara could in no way help him answer.

Had Solas done something with the old gods? Was he waking them? Why were they speaking to each other, if that's what they were really doing?

“I need to go, Liara. Please excuse me.” He turned to leave her rooms, but was surprised to feel her hand lay heavily on his shoulder.

“Before you go, there is one more thing....” He turned to her cautiously, not sure what to expect now. “Shepard's a wreck and she's going to be stupid.”

Yes, that was unexpected.

“Pardon?” It wouldn't have been his first choice of words to describe the grieving.

“Trust me. She'll try to make up for it. We all cared for Mordin, but she sees us all like we're her personal responsibility. Like the whole galaxy is her personal responsibility.”

Liara had him captured with a steady gaze he didn't dare look away from. “If I don't catch her before she fucks up, can you try?”

“I--.”

“I'm not asking any of the others. She needs someone she wouldn't expect to watch her back.”

Cullen frowned, more than mildly offended. “Of course I would watch her back. Why wouldn't she know that?”

“Proofs in the pudding for her. You haven't shown your colors yet.”

“Oh.” It was true, he hadn't fought beside her yet. If it were him, he would evaluate someone the same way. Words were empty things until proven otherwise.

“Just, watch her back. Please.”

“Of course. But I highly doubt she'll want me beside her--.”

“Normandy Ground Squad, assemble in the comm room, please,” came EDI's voice over the intercom.

Cullen looked perplexed at Liara and she smirked dryly. “I'm the Shadow Broker for good reason.”

* * *

They all congregated around the conference room table to receive a short debriefing about a biotic school called Grissom Academy. The nature of the school was explained to him and Cullen wondered how different it was from the circles, or the universities that Leliana had worked so hard to establish, when Shepard turned to him pointedly and pulled him from his thoughts.

“I think this is it, Cullen.”

His eyes cast about the room quickly, wondering if he'd missed something. Everyone seemed clueless, except for maybe Liara. “What is _it_ , exactly?

“Your first mission,” she said matter-of-factly.

His mind froze. Like a fish out of water, Cullen's lips made odd shapes without a sound, his eyes wide and stunned.

“You really think that's a good idea, Shepard?” Garrus chimed in. “He's still pretty green with a gun.”

“I can't think of a better way for him to learn on his feet. He's quick, right Vega?”

James shrugged and nodded, casting his eyes nervously between them. She was referring to their new regularly scheduled sparring sessions, but while Cullen knew how to dodge and block and pack a punch from his prior life, his skills with a gun were still wanting. He'd never been the bow and arrow type, after all.

“Yah, he's as quick as any N7 recruit I've sparred with.”

“He's more than a recruit, Vega.” Shepard turned her gaze back to Cullen. “He's a Commander. If you're quick, find cover where you can and get in clean shots when you think you can make them.”

Her tone left no room for argument and Cullen had none. His best argument had been made for him and he cast his eyes to a wary looking Garrus.

“Liara. EDI. You're with me on this one too. Joker, get us to Grissom Academy stat.” She turned her back on the room abruptly. “Suit up ladies. That means you too, Commander.”

Cullen flushed when a few crew mates smirked at him as they filed out. Garrus lagged behind and set a pace to match his, pulling out of earshot from the rest of the crew.

“She favors her right,” he said under his breathe. “So watch her left. And she has a tendency to melee when she should dodge and try to get in a clean shot. I'm thinking she'll be beating up on shit particularly hard this mission.”

Cullen swallowed hard and nodded. “Any other advice?”

“She likes her pistol, but damned if that thing takes forever to load. Watch her back while she's doing that.”

Cullen nodded again and didn't miss the pitched nervousness in his friend's tone. Instead of vocalizing it, Garrus took a deep breathe and nodded to himself.

“This is a good first mission for you, Cullen. Cerberus is a pain in the ass, but at least they're human.” He clapped Cullen on the shoulder, and raised his brow plates. “Reapers would be a bitch and a half, let me tell you. That shit running at you....” Garrus shook his head. “Stuff of nightmares.”

Cullen shrugged. “I'm familiar with the stuff, but yes, point taken. I'll count small favors.”

Garrus stopped and turned to face him fully. Cullen stopped and felt the gravity of the man's emotions. “Do what I would do out there. Watch her back, Cullen.”

* * *

Shepard's resolve sharpened to a fierce edge when Kahlee Sanders explained the situation and dire circumstances of the students still trapped in the school.

As they made their way into the bowels of the school, Cullen followed behind the three women, matching their posture and movements, and particularly how they held their guns. He watching with awed fascination as Shepard mowed down Cerberus soldiers with practiced precision. He'd only seen her fight through a monitor when he'd first arrived but he'd come to see her differently since then. It was hard to believe the whisky swigging, bad joke telling, terrible dancer was this incredible force of nature with a gun.

Before too long, they found themselves in the company of a rather uncouth woman with a small group of students. Everything about her was mildly jarring as Cullen watched her from a safe distance. By all appearances, she was more of a rogue ruffian than a teacher, tattoos covering every visible part of her torso and limbs. Appearances aside, her general _attitude_ wasn't one of a teacher either. Naturally cynical and sarcastic, as well as a bit cold and harsh with her students, Cullen was amazed they liked her as much as they seemed to.

Of course, Shepard appeared to be friends with her, which should have come as no surprise. After their brief reunion, Jack turned on Cullen and EDI.

“New recruits, Shepard?” she asked, giving them both a critical once over.

“It's nice to see you again, Jack,” EDI purred.

“Woah, EDI?” Jack looked her up and down, mildly impressed. “Looking good, especially that rack.”

“Thank you. I am still fine tuning the calibration to strike the proper breast to back ratio for balance.”

“Day in the life of, right?” Jack grinned. “And who's this pretty boy that looks like a lost puppy?”

“Cullen, this is Jack. Jack, Cullen. She was part of my ground team a year ago when we took out the Collector base.”

“Yeah, great memories of death and destruction, for sure. Would _love_ to reminisce on the good old days, Shep, but we need to get our asses in gear here. I got pups to protect.”

They found a short reprieve from battle in an easily defensible room near the shuttle bays, but he knew it was only the calm before the final push. Checking and rechecking his ammo and gear, Cullen shifted nervously from foot to foot as he waited for Shepard to do whatever she was doing around the room.

When they were ready for the final push to the escape shuttles, Cullen and EDI took up the rear of the group, while Jack, Shepard and Liara lead from the front, keeping the students at their center. It was quick work to clear out the smattering of Cerberus troops along the way. As an added bonus, Cullen was almost sure he got one in the chest. Almost certain. EDI was damn good with her gun.

They reached the final hallway without excessive incidents until Shepard stopped them all abruptly with a clenched fist in the air. Cullen turned to see what had captured her attention. A mech, fifteen feet tall, towered over them, huge and seemingly indestructible. And empty.

“Well, if they're just going to leave these things hanging around, I think I'll help myself,” Shepard mused aloud as she moved towards it.

It _was_ extremely intimidating and would certainly grant them an edge over any remaining resistance as they made their way out. That didn't stop Cullen from instinctively frowning up at it, and wanting to pull Shepard back. Seeing as he had a promise to keep to Garrus _and_ Liara, even with the asari present, he spoke up.

“Commander, do you know how to operate one of those?” he asked apprehensively.

“Nope. But how hard can it be?”

She clambered up and in and took a seat behind the panels.

“Very. Plus you'll be the main target of all gunfire, including any other mechs, and it doesn't appear to have an easy escape hatch.” He walked around the legs of the thing and a quick survey confirmed for him that her only way out was the way she'd gone in.

“Cullen, if we have one of these things on our side, I don't need to escape quickly,” she challenged, still reviewing the controls. “I can just stroll out of here with the rest of you.”

“I'm going to agree with Cullen on this, Shepard,” Liara cut in. “We've seen how these things blow up and it would be best if _you're_ not the one operating it.”

Shepard looked up from the console and gave them both a level look. “Keeping the gunfire on me means they're not on you or the kids. Get them out quickly and I won't have to worry about exploding.”

Without another word, she hit a button and the yellow tinted shield rolled down into place. It was a poignant end to the conversation, and the lumbering mech lead the way towards the final room before the escape shuttles.

The squad fanned out and found cover just before Cerberus troops started pouring in from behind them. They came in from all sides, apparently pulling their forces together with a fervor for a final assault.

Amidst the gunfire, Cullen ducked around a wide column, pressing his back firmly against the smooth white surface. His heart thundered in his ears, unable to properly orient himself to know where to shoot. Hand to hand combat was an entirely different set of skills, and he'd been a bulwark in battles back home. He refused to be helpless here and now though, when Shepard and the others needed him. He peeked briefly around the corner of the column and watched as a matching mech stomped it's way in through the front door.

The blasts that erupted from Shepard's mech was deafening in the small enclosed area. It reverberated in his chest and made the ground beneath him quake. He did his best to ignore his rattling teeth as he ducked on his haunches to mark the positions of the closest Cerberus soldiers. A blast whizzed by his ear, and another took out the edge of the column, dust flying into his eyes. He readied his gun and fired as soon as he turned the corner. The solider aiming for him quickly went down, and Cullen took down two more that fell in to his right.

Liara ferociously threw singularities and lifts at the soldiers in quick succession. Jack was nothing to sneeze at as she used a combination of a shield to protect the youth while sending out disorienting biotic waves at the soldiers until Cullen and EDI picked them off easily. It was an orchestrated chaos that almost felt like the steps to a familiar dance, albeit to a different tune. Cullen found a comfort in it, and even felt a grin cross his lips as he barely dodged another bullet.

The two mechs in the room were the loudest, most imposing combatants in the room, and they appeared to be at a frustrating deadlock. Shepard used her own biotics to shield the mech, and the other someone managed to plod out of range for each of her shots.

The fire and blasts that lit up from their weapons dominated the room. Had he not been looking up in the first place, he would've entirely missed the stream of reinforcements that entered in the balconies above.

“Shepard!” Liara shouted at the top of her voice. The soldiers on the balcony put them in the worst position to find proper cover. Shepard quickly diverted her efforts from the other mech and started firing recklessly at the balconies around them.

The smoke and dust that filled the room choked Cullen's lungs and burned his eyes. The soldiers streaming in seemed utterly endless and he faltered for a moment wondering how long they could hold out.

“The shuttles are ready, Shepard,” Kahlee Sanders suddenly said over their comms. “Get out of there now!”

The squad immediately moved towards the exits, lead by Jack and the students who were the first through the now open hallway doors. Shepard, on the other hand, continued to fire with utter abandon. Cullen couldn't be sure if she was unaware or uncaring of their new goal.

EDI and Liara stopped at the door. “Shepard, get out of there!” Liara yelled through the tumult.

“We're finishing these assholes, T'soni!”

Liara and EDI found themselves turning around and locking into defensive gunfire again. Liara threw him a worried look and Cullen nodded. This was what desperate bravado looked like on their leader.

This was her grief.

Cullen carefully started to pick his way through cover towards her mech.

“Commander, we'll be lucky to get out of here alive!” he yelled back. “Exit the mech!”

“No, I've got this!” she yelled back. “I'm not letting them go!”

In that moment, her mech and her opponent fired at exactly the same time. And this time neither of them missed. The blast was deafening and Cullen dove for cover as fire and smoke plumed from the wreckage of both mechs.

He looked up immediately, hoping to see Shepard's biotic shield still up. Instead, the orange shielding on Shepard's mech had shattered, leaving only a jagged frame of glass along the edges. His heart skipped a beat when the smoke cleared and he saw her slumped in her seat. The other mech was lifeless and spouting billows of smoke into the room.

“Shepard's down, Shepard's down!” he yelled. “EDI, Liara, cover me!”

Cullen scrambled up the awkward legs of the mech and saw that blood had matted down her hair and ran in rivulets along her left temple and the side of her face. She was completely inert, and Cullen struggled to get his arms around her.

A sharp pain seared through his bicep as his armor shredded away beneath a near miss bullet. Fighting through the pain and gritting his teeth, he threw Shepard over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and fell clumsily down the face of the mech. His left arm screaming, he stumbled and tripped towards EDI and Liara, struggling to keep from falling and hurting Shepard even more.

“Let's go!” he yelled.

As they raced out the room, a loud blast crashed against his ears as billions of shards of broken glass flew into the room behind them. Jack had provided the final distraction they needed to race to the shuttles and safety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I know you're about to Google it, here it is! 
> 
> “I am the very model of a scientist salarian, I've studied species turian, asari, and batarian.  
> I'm quite good at genetics (as a subset of biology) because I am an expert (which i know is a tautology).  
> My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian, I am the very model of a scientist salarian.“
> 
> ;)


	9. Act I - Chapter 9: Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first spark of a little more somethin' somethin'...
> 
> :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter is a little clunky, friends. it's so long by my standards I couldn't even read it all in one sitting! :-/
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

“Shit.” Shepard groaned as she turned her head weakly against the pillow.

“That's probably the right word for it,” Chakwas agreed from nearby. Shepard tossed her head around until the good doctor was in sight. “You were knocked out good and proper there, Commander.”

Chakwas leaned over to carefully inspect the stitches in Shepard's scalp, completely oblivious to the high pitched ringing that pervaded the silence of the room.

“What is that?” Shepard moaned. She was tempted to shake her head but knew it would only make her dizzy. She squeezed her eyes shut instead, but it hardly helped anything.

“You'll be fine, Commander. Just a mild concussion and a small laceration. Nothing you can't handle, but I would recommend you head up to your rooms to get some rest."

“Who pulled me out of there? EDI?”

“No, in fact.” Chakwas had the hint of a smile in her voice. “Our guest, it seems, has proven his mettle.”

Shepard cautiously opened one eye to look past Chakwas when she moved aside. Cullen stood leaning casually against another bed, arms crossed over his chest.

“Cullen? _You_ saved my ass, huh?” she rasped. Feeling shitty made her sound more disbelieving than she intended.

He smiled and Shepard, through her haze of pain, noticed his arm was bandaged up from the shoulder to the elbow. He'd gotten hurt in the process too, but his good mood seemed to indicate he wasn't holding it against her. Had she been mad at him earlier? Or had she really just been mad at herself? It was most likely the latter, but she had dragged him out on his first mission because of it. And then she'd put them all at risk by trying to wipe out Cerberus forces at the Academy. What had she been thinking....?

He was by her bedside in a few short strides, and instead of making her strain up to see him with the bright light at his back, he crouched down to get to her eye level. It was a small gesture, but considerate.

“Don't sound so surprised. You _did_ do your damnedest to get your ass kicked, Commander.” He spoke quietly, his words just for her as Chakwas stepped back to her desk.

She clicked her tongue in regret and smirked. “Thwarted again. _Damn_.”

Her eyes flashed to his shoulder and the bandage there, her expression asking the question.

“Your thrill seeking is contagious, Commander,” he replied, his molten amber eyes glittering with laughter. “It wasn't a fair fight unless they shot me at least once.”

“Oh, so you're Mr. Big Shot now? What else did you learn besides how to get shot by a real gun?”

She let her eyes rove around the sharp lines of his face, the height of his cheek bones and length of his eyelashes. She wanted to close her eyes so bad, but this close, even the reddish fuzz on his cheeks captured her attention. He'd always been handsome, like fuck, ridiculously handsome, but why the hell would she care now? If this was a damsel in distress reaction...she'd have to have a firm word with herself, stat.

His lips curled wryly. “Yeah. To never piss you off again.”

“With or without a mech?”

“Both.”

She swallowed thickly, ignoring the scratchiness of dust that still clung to her throat. "I'm sorry, Cullen," she whispered. "I was a dumbass on so many levels...dragging you out there...."

He quickly moved to squeeze the tops of her fingers, sending a sharp thrill of electricity through her body. "There is nothing to apologize for, Shepard." Her aching head was momentarily forgotten under his piercing gaze.

“Commander Cullen,” Chakwas cut in softly. “Seeing as you're the hero of the day, would you be so kind as to lead Shepard back up to her room? She doesn't need to be under my observation anymore, and she could use the darkness and quiet.”

“Of course, doctor.” He placed a hand on Shepard's arm. “Think you can get up?”

“Yeah,” she said hoarsely. “Sure, I got this.”

First she tried to get up without his help, but when that failed miserably, she let him push her to a seated position. She sat with her forehead pillowed in her palms for a second, letting the dizziness subside before she shimmied off the bed.

“Rest for another few hours, Shepard,” Chakwas advised. “I'll ask EDI to ensure you're not disturbed.”

Cullen wrapped his good arm around her waist, and she was instantly comforted by the power and strength in his grip. She imagined she could have given him all his weight and he would've managed just fine.

“Shepard!” Garrus called from the entrance to the main battery when he spotted them leaving the med bay. He took a few swift steps towards them. “I was waiting for you to wake up. Looks like I got beat to it.”

Garrus leveled a chilling look at Cullen for a hair's breadth before it disappeared, but Shepard didn't miss it. It was the first time she sensed any hostility between the two men. She shifted awkwardly and could only guess what unspoken words passed between them. Knowing Garrus as well as she did, he had likely set some expectation that Cullen hadn't risen to.

“How are you feeling?” Garrus asked her gently, take her hand.

She grinned wide and winced, putting pressure on the left side of her head, only to wince harder when she felt the little stitches there

“Sonofabitch,” she muttered under her breathe. She took a bracing breathe and forced a thin, pained smile. “I'm great, Garrus. Just dandy.”

“You always sucked at lying,” Garrus teased. She pulled her hand gingerly back and closed her eyes.

“That's what you think,” she joked, more to make him feel better than because she was in a humorous mood. “I just need to hide in my hole for a few hours and I'll be fine.”

“Do you want me to walk with you?” Garrus asked, clearly ignoring the fact that Cullen was already doing just that.

“It'll take him thirty seconds to haul me up there, Garrus. It's not a big deal.”

He seemed about to protest but Shepard quickly took the lead and steered Cullen to the elevator, almost dragging him along beside her. She saw him flash an uneasy smile at his Turian friend, but he just turned on his heel and headed back to the battery.

* * *

They let the elevator ride pass in a peaceful silence. Shepard adjusted herself to lean heavily against him, resting her head in the hollow of his good shoulder. She had either used up all her energy on the short walk, or she'd already fallen asleep, but Cullen held her tighter in case her legs weren't working. Cullen looked down at her dark smooth hair, tempted to brush it away from her cheeks. He noted the fresh outline of the few expert stitches in her scalp.

He lead her gently through her already dimly lit room and down the short steps. He was about to carefully pull back the covers on her bed, but she quickly beat him to it. She unceremoniously flung them back and crumbled onto her mattress, tucking her hands under her pillow and hugging it around her head.

“Shepard?” he whispered, lest he jar her preferred silence. “Do you want your shoes off?”

She grunted into the pillow. He had no idea if that was a yes or a no, but he went for them anyway. If she kicked him instead, he'd get the hint. Boots untied and neatly set on the ground, he pulled up her blankets so they tucked neatly over her shoulder and under her chin.

She had settled in to sleep on her stomach and now he saw her profile. Her eyes closed, Cullen watched her for a moment as she took a deep calming breathe. The hint of a blissful smile played on her lips. Her full, soft lips... Her dark hair fell into her eyes, mingling with her fringe of heavy lashes. A few scars from battles new and old were visible as fine lines against her jaw and cheekbone. It was a life time of fighting against otherwise flawless skin.

He had always thought her a beautiful woman, from the moment he laid eyes on her in that chair by his bed. Was he really meant to have traveled billions of miles from home to meet a woman like this? While his eyes traced the outline of her body beneath the sheets, he was baffled at the impossibility of the perfect set of circumstances that had to have happened to bring him here....

Remembering where he was and what he was doing, Cullen snapped himself out of it and quickly turned on his heels, taking deliberate steps towards the door. This was madness. Thinking about her like this....it was because he was tired, and his arm hurt, and she was beautiful, and....

“Cullen?” she called in the sudden silence, her voice muffled by the pillow.

“Yes, Commander?” He turned nervously, afraid his moment of blatant admiration was still plain on his face.

“Am I a bad leader?” Her voice was thick, and she nearly chocked out the words.

“What? Absolutely not!” It was a shocking question he wasn't prepared for. He stepped back towards the bed and sat on the edge, his hand settling lightly on her arm. “Why would you ever think that?” he asked quietly.

“Mordin is dead.” Her voice was hollow and her face hidden, but he could clearly hear her tears. “When we first met, you said...you said that good leaders don't let their men die.”

Cullen rubbed her arm, remembering what he had said in those first few moments he hadn't known her. He'd said a lot of things out of anger when he'd first arrived. He'd torn her every word apart to find their flaws. She was his easiest target, maybe because she kept giving him chances to try again. She gave everyone chances beyond first impressions. Or second. Or third. She broke the rules of command and chose friendship above all else, trying so hard to earn it from everyone. It was why her entire crew followed her. Why Mordin had followed her. Why he, he realized, would follow her.

“Mordin made his own choice, Shepard. There was nothing you could have done.”

She turned onto her back to look up at him, her eyes huge and watery as they beseeched him for solace. Her cheeks and the tip of her nose were flushed red, and she was lovely. “I was his Commander--,” she started.

“You were his _friend_ ,” he interrupted adamantly. “That's who he needed in the end, and that is _exactly_ who you were.”

She closed her eyes and turned away. “I feel like I failed,” she whispered.

He hesitated for only a beat, but brazenly reached out to brush back the damp hair that clung to her cheek.

“The Krogan have a future now because of Mordin. Because of you.” He squeezed her shoulder and leaned towards her. “I didn't know him well, but he thought it was worth dying for. I doubt he would've considered it a failure and he wouldn't want you think of it as one either.”

Shepard's hand snaked up from beneath her covers and clasped his tightly. “I want you to know, I thought of your advice when I was out there.”

Cullen shrank back and a flush rose to his cheeks. “I'm sorry, Shepard. I had no intention of making you think it would be such a simple, carefree decision. There's always a price to pay--.”

“--that no one could've known about,” she cut in, meeting his eyes again. “I knew what was at stake going into it, but not even Mordin guessed what it would take in the end.” He swallowed hard and nodded. “No, I thought of what you said, that we all need something to fight for.”

“We do,” he agreed.

“And that was Mordin's something?”

Cullen nodded. “Now the Krogan have a something.”

“What's your something?”

That was an easy answer. "Home." His fingers absently rubbed the back of her hand where they lay clasped on the sheets, captured by the softness of her skin. "Family.” He arched an eyebrow and pointedly looked at his bandaged shoulder. “Getting back in one piece.”

With a big sniff and a grin, Shepard laughed. “I don't know. There might be chunks of you floating around the galaxy before you get back.”

He laughed and kissed the back of her hand without thinking. If asked, he'd never be able to say why he did it, such a courtly gesture, at that moment, of all times.

Her bright blue eyes sparkled in bemusement and the warning bells started clanging in his head, urging him to stop and back off. Just let go of the hand....

Cullen cleared his throat and patted her hand awkwardly. “I should let you rest. Dr. Chakwas will have my head, I'm sure.”

She stopped him when he made to rise. “Don't go.”

“No?” He raised an eyebrow, nervous and curious at once. “Being rebellious, are we?”

She teased her own eyebrow up playfully, and immediately winced. “Is there another way to be?”

He sat back down on the bed. “What did you have in mind?”

“Tell me a story?”

“What?” He laughed and shook his head. “A story about what?”

Shepard nodded at his lip and he self-consciously let his tongue run over the lower half of it. “That, for instance. Your scar. I've been wanting to hear that one since I met you.”

“This? Hardly an exciting story.”

“Shaving?” she teased.

“Well...more exciting that _that_. Give me _some_ credit, Shepard.”

Shepard lowered herself deeper into her pillows expectantly. He knew that look. He hadn't had a wealth of opportunities to tell his younger siblings bedtime stories, but that was always the look they had.

He placed his pinky finger on the scar and frowned. “This beauty is just another reminder of a failed courtship, I'm afraid.”

“Ooohh, juicy.” Shepard's eyes were starting to grow heavy and Cullen was sure she was fighting all sorts of sleep now, but he continued.

“It was in a city on the sea, called Jainen. Kirkwall, where I'd been before, was lost to the mage rebellions and my brothers and sisters were resorting to all sorts of methods of suppression I found extremely distasteful. So I left.”

“Wow, that's huge. Weren't you with them since you were a kid?”

“I was. But my goal was always to help people, Shepard. I was misguided when I started, of course. I thought helping people meant separating mages from the world. When blood ran through those streets though...” He shook his head to clear the memories, as distant as they were now. A lifetime ago. “I saw Templars resort to slaughter and mindless massacre. That was not me.”

Shepard shifted and looked at him in the way one did learning something admirable about someone. “You didn't forget yourself.”

He shook his head and chuckled darkly. “Yes, well, don't think too much of it. It's not because I've always been a strong man. It's because I've been a weak one...because I've forgotten myself before.”

At the look on Shepard's worried expression, he quickly backpedaled. All of this was in the past so he didn't need to traverse those dark memories with her now.

“But in Jainen I thought I could convince mages there that rebellion wasn't the answer. They had screamed and raged in order to be heard but now that the world was listening, I wanted to find mages who would _speak_ instead of fight. Mages who would end the violence. One woman in particular was exceedingly articulate, and she seemed to be the voice of reason. A young representative with fresh ideas and a new hope for the mages. They needed someone who could bring everyone to the table.”

“You fell for her, huh?” Shepard teased, poking his hand with a finger.

Cullen blushed. “She was... _inspiring_. So yes, a little.”

“First mage crush?”

He frowned slightly. “Actually no, there was the Warden. But that's another story.”

“Oh, you're just chock full of them," she grinned. “Proceed.”

At the thought of the Warden, he found it more than a little amusing that Shepard was so excited to hear this little sidebar story when he knew so many more epic ones.

“The rest is rather simple. Marcelle captured my attention and I captured hers. We were together for some months, a templar and mage. We didn't advertise it, by any means, but people started to whisper. Unfortunately for me, I didn't really know what they were whispering around until it was too late." Cullen cleared his throat uncomfortably when Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Apparantly she chose to withhold a  _small_ bit of information."

Shepard's riveted silence forced him to continue.

"Well...I found out the truth when her _husband_ appeared one evening." It was so long ago but he still felt the heat in his face at recounting this little pathetic story. No heros tale, to be sure. Just a gullible fool, as always.

“Oh shit, she didn't tell you?”

Cullen shrugged. “The thought escaped her apparantly.”

Shepard sat up straighter, and he smirked at her blazing curiosity. “What did you do?”

“What could I do? I was unarmed and the intruder. He had every right to be raging mad, my innocence be damned. And he simply left me with a parting gift....” Cullen tongued it again absently. “Oh, what were his words again? Ah yes, he said he would _cut my pretty little lips off_ if I didn't leave immediately. He bequeathed me with a swift warning and off I went.”

“Did you fight back? I would've socked it to him so--.”

“The man liked his knives and I was lucky to leave with pants _on_.”

“Oh wow Cullen, I'm sorry.” She took his hand and clucked her tongue sympathetically. “That really sucks.”

He laughed off her pity and grinned. “Of course it's my luck that the most interesting scar on me is a sob story about a woman.”

“Better than shaving,” Shepard shrugged.

“There is that.” He smiled and patted her leg, making to rise one more time. “I'll let you rest now, Shepard.”

“No wait. What?” She urgently propped herself up on her elbows, the sudden movement making her wince again. “Stay.” It wasn't a question, and there was a note of desperation in her voice.

“The doctor said--.”

“If you go, I won't sleep,” she warned. “I'll end up _thinking_.” She was quiet again, and Cullen understood perfectly what she'd be thinking about. “And I'm too tried to think straight... and...and...." Shepard closed her eyes and turned her face away. "I have bad dreams," she whispered.

"Bad dreams?"

"It's stupid, I know, I just--"

"It's not stupid. I had them-- well, _have_ them...often...."

Cullen had swallowed all of the bitter pills in his life in silence, alone in the dark, unspoken and unshared. Had it made him stronger to suffer in silence? Or was there more to it? Was there _this_? He found himself drawn to her more than ever, one aching spirit to another, and found he no longer wanted to leave either.

Shepard patted the empty side of the bed beside her, and Cullen stared at it in a daze, not quite grasping her meaning....

“I'll pull up a chair, Shepard," he hastened to offer. "I can be here 'til you fall asleep.”

“This.” She patted the bed again. “Doesn't mean pull up a chair. Just so you know.”

He shook his head at the absurdity of it. If Garrus, or anyone, found out about this.... Shepard's eyelids grew heavier and heavier with every passing minute. He was sure he could just lay here for five minutes and slip out. That would be fine.

He sighed dramatically in defeat, and kicked off his shoes as he warily climbed in beside her. He was careful to surreptitiously pull up the blankets so they remained under him and over her. It was a thin, flimsy barrier, but a barrier nonetheless.

He moved to lay on his side, pillowing his head on his good arm as he faced her. Her face was partially buried in her pillow when she opened one brilliant blue eye and smiled at him, victory and relief plain on her face.

“So?” she prompted.

He swallowed hard as he adjusted himself slightly further away from her inviting lips. “My stories might be too exciting for you, Shepard. You need sleep,” he joked quietly.

“Something boring?”

“I don't do boring stories.”

“One about polishing your blade?”

He laughed. “I'd rather not.”

She grinned broadly, and even with her eyes closed again, she was radiant.

“Then tell me about something you care about.”

“Something I care about....” he repeated quietly.

Without warning, Shepard slipped her head down her pillow towards him, and curled up closer so her forehead lay inches from his lips. He held his breathe as the warmth of her body radiated along the length of his, and he hoped to the Maker he could maintain his composure.

 _The Maker...._ It was an odd moment to think of it, but perhaps it would take his mind off other... _things_ , like the way his heart raced and the gentle tickle of her warm breathe against his throat.

“I could tell you about a woman,” he murmured quietly.

“Another doomed love affair?” she whispered.

He shifted to place a hand on her arm, squeezing it gently.

“Actually, it's the only love affair that's ever worked for me. Her name was Andraste.”

He couldn't know if she was looking to get more comfortable or something else entirely, but she slide even closer and he felt her breasts press against his chest and she slipped her shrouded feet over his. He encircled his arm around her until he was holding her tightly. If she wanted a cocoon of comfort and safety, he would provide. The blanket between them may as well have not been there at all.

He cleared his dry throat and spoke into her hair. “Andraste,” he whispered. “We call her the Bride of the Maker, His Chosen One. She shared the words of His wisdom with the world through the love she held for her people.”

Cullen brushed back a lock of hair from Shepard's cheek, his fingers lingering on her warm skin. “But her beginnings were as humble as any of ours....”

Cullen continued his tale quietly in her ear, letting her hair brush against his lips. He spoke of Andraste's simple beginnings and her rallying cry for freedom. He spoke of her fight against the raging machine that was the Tevinter Imperium and for everyone's right to exist in this world. He wove the tale of the warrior he had known all his life, as he held the new warrior in his life closely in his arms as she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Shepard's eyes fluttered open, her body warm and relaxed as she slowly lifted herself out of a deep slumber.

It took her a moment to remember why her limbs were as warm as they were. She felt the comforting weight of Cullen's arm draped over her and he had buried his face in her hair before he had finally fallen asleep. She sighed softly but didn't dare move. The throbbing in her head had disappeared, replaced by a sumptuous heat along her entire body where Cullen lay perfectly nestled around her.

 _Hero of the day,_ the good doctor had said. He was proving to be more than a hero now, more than an unwitting passenger, wasn't he....

She shifted slightly so she could see his face more fully. He still slept soundly, his breathe deep and steady. Her eyes lingered on the jagged little scar that she still found so intriguing, even knowing the story behind it.

Would he wake up if she licked it…?

She almost laughed aloud and bit her lip quickly. She didn't want to wake him, but damn, did she want to kiss him. Kiss him until he woke up. Kiss him until the shock of it faded from his eyes and he melted into it with her.

Shepard groaned quietly, wishing she hadn't woken before him. She vaguely realized she'd had a peaceful, nightmare-free night when he started to stir against her.

He inadvertently hugged her closer, his amber eyes groggily revealing themselves. She was ready with a comforting smile and his own lips curled sleepily upon seeing her.

“Morning, Commander,” she whispered.

Still half awake, he snuggled in closer and hummed into her neck as if he'd done it a million times before. Shepard felt the silly giddiness of a school kid as he nuzzled her, enjoying the few seconds he seemed to be totally unaware of what he was doing.

Cullen froze in mid nuzzle, his breathe and body going still like stalked prey before he shot out of her bed like a rocket. The bed sheets made a tangled mess around his legs that tripped him up as he stood. She probably shouldn't have been so amused by his utter mortification, so she bit back a smile as she watched him.

“I fell asleep,” he said nervously, quickly backing away from her as she propped up on an elbow. “I-I'm so sorry, Shepard. I didn't mean to--.”

“It's fine, Cullen,” she said lightly, trying to put him at ease.

“It's really not,” he mumbled as he went to pull on his boots. She heard him say something about everything being entirely inappropriate and she could only smirk at how it was entirely _not_.

She slid out of bed too, glad to feel refreshed and let achy. She idly wondered how long they had slept as she slowly pulled on her own boots. He stood up to face her, his cheeks still rugged with sleep and now flushed from embarrassment.

“That was unworthy of me, to invade your space like this.”

“There was nothing unworthy about it,” she replied, standing up. “I invited you. And it's not like you manhandled me, right?” The teasing went completely over his head, and she laughed as he reddened even more.

“Of course n-not!” he stammered, shaking his head fiercely. “I would never--!”

She tried to smile reassuringly. “I'm joking, Cullen. I'm sorry.” She took cautious steps towards him, especially since he looked like a skittish cat read to turn tail and run. She took his hands in hers, and stepped closer.

“Apparently your stories are so good they put you to sleep too.”

He looked down numbly at their joined hands, still recovering from the shock of waking up beside her. She stepped again, her face tilting up towards him, hoping her intentions were crystal clear. He gulped comically, but she gave him all the time in the world to back away, to pull away from her. He didn't move.

She bit her lip and felt all her reservations slip away. Why not? She wasn't a damsel in distress, that was for damn sure. She had become inexplicably attracted to this man to the point where she had to have him. _Had_ to. And Shepard wasn't one to play games.

She guided his hands around her waist and slid her own hands up his chest to weave around his neck. His eyes fluttered at the sensation of her fingers entwining in his soft blond hair. He wanted her too. She saw it in the way his eyes flickered to her lips, and her heart fluttered with anticipation.

“You'll have to tell me that one again,” she whispered. “I didn't hear the entire last three quarters of it.”

“You know, I don't even think I got a quarter through it,” he said softly. His voice was low and husky and his breathe quickened.

It was more thrilling then she'd have expected, to have such an effect on him. He was always so put together, always so proper, that she wanted to unravel him completely.

Her thumb slid across his jaw line to brush over his soft lips. His story telling lips. His hands tightened around her waist and he pulled her closer roughly, her breath catching at his urgency. Desire blazed in his eyes and she felt the hum of their bodies hungering to get closer.

“I think you're going to have to come back and finish it then,” she whispered.

Inches...no. Millimeters apart...

“Commander Shepard?” Chakwas's voice resonated like a siren from the doorway. “Are you awa--oh!”

They looked guiltily up at the doctor standing with her head in the door. Their arms still tangled around each other, they were caught red handed with their hands in the cookie jar...and Shepard didn't even get to take a bite.

“I can come back another time,” Chakwas said, pulling the door closed again in front of her.

Cullen stood ram rod straight, rigidly keeping his hands to himself. “No, no! I was just leaving, Doctor.” Cullen turned back to Shepard and nodded perfunctorily. The fire fizzled as fast as it had ignited. “Glad you're feeling better, Commander.”

Before Shepard had a chance to reply, he was out of the door in a flash, rushing past a stunned Chakwas, who watched on mildly bemused.

“Well now, that was exciting,” Chakwas commented, stepping into the room.

“I'm pretty sure that was about to get more exciting, doc,” Shepard sighed, dreamily sashaying towards the couch and flopping down. “I guess now I'll never know.” She smirked wryly as the doctor took a seat on the couch too.

“Oh I'm sure that one is chock full of excitement for you, but it's not exactly what you need right now. Did you actually sleep?” she asked skeptically, her physician's crisp and scolding demeanor shining through.

“ _Yes_ , I actually _slept_. Much to my chagrin, I followed all your orders.” Shepard passed her hands over her face, rubbing out the flush that had flared there.

“Good. And how are to feeling this morning?”

“Firing on all cylinders,” she murmured through her hands.

“Turbo charged, I would say.”

“Hey. Near death experiences are life affirming. I was saying thank you.”

“I'm pretty sure you weren't _saying_ anything,” Chakwas smirked.

“That was kind of the idea. Why do you care?” She peeped through her fingers. “Did you find some weird disease from his planet that I should know about?”

Chakwas chuckled. “Hardly. That man is as healthy as a horse. But you do realize he has to go back home at some point, right?”

Shepard's hands fell away from her face and she leaned back on the couch, her head tilted back to mollify the ceiling. “I know, I know, I haven't forgotten. Liara is keeping an eye out for an opening. We'll get him home as soon as--.”

“That's not what I was eluding to,” she interrupted. “You know he doesn't belong here, don't you? His race, his planet, they aren't ready for the wider world we live in.”

“Why not?” Shepard knew the answer, but she felt like being defiant anyway. Maybe she was still raw at being interrupted. “Races have been uplifted before, and Cullen has taken to his training like a second skin.”

“Yes, one man may be able to adapt to this life, but you know as well as I what can happen to races who are too soon uplifted before they're ready.”

Tuchanka. Mordin. It all rushed back to her with a sharp slap.

“The Krogan were used as a weapon,” Shepard said quietly, still not looking at Chakwas.

Chakwas nodded gravely. “And everyone paid a high price for it. Especially the Krogan.”

“The genophage is over. And they're perfectly adapted to galactic civilization now,” Shepard argued stubbornly.

“Are they really? There's a reason why they aren't a council race, Shepard. Wrex even knows his people can't stay in the same war ship long enough to fight the Reapers. They'll just kill each other.”

“Wrex is a cynic and the Council is ass backwards. Not all Krogan can be lumped together like that.” Shepard shook her head. “Wait, is this about the Krogan or Cullen, because I'm really confused right now, doc. And don't blame the concussion.”

“We uplifted only one man, but it's almost worse than uplifting them all. Everything he knows and loves is halfway across the galaxy right now.” Shepard shifted, and let her eyes rest on the doctor as she continued. “Is he a religious man?” Shepard paused before replying with a simple nod. “His whole faith, his whole existence, is structured around a world that has now become a spec in a greater galaxy. You don't think this will make him question everything he believes when we drop him back off?”

Shepard swallowed. “It might,” she admitted quietly.

“So under normal circumstances, our plan was to just drop him off and disappear from his life. Let him go on with it and come to terms with everything he just experienced out here?” Shepard didn't even respond. She didn't need to. Circumstances weren't exactly normal anymore, and Chakwas confirmed it. “But you were about to insert yourself into his life in an entirely different and more complicated way, Commander.”

“He still wants to go home. There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't think about it or talk about it.”

Chakwas looked at her critically, like Shepard should known better. A flush crept up her cheeks and she looked away. “Months ago, definitely. Weeks ago, yes. Days ago, maybe. But I'll bet he's got _you_ on his mind right now, _not_ home.”

“I'm not trying to fuck with him,” Shepard murmured. She didn't want to admit it right then, but everything Chakwas said was true. This had been a selfish move, and she should've known better. Seeking comfort in the darkness, a man who knew what it was like to lead and falter. It was too easy to fall for it.

Chakwas stood and put a comforting hand on Shepard's shoulder. “Whether you're serious about him is irrelevant. How should I say this? Commander Cullen doesn't appear to be the type of man to... _hit it and quit it_ , as they say.”

Shepard shook her head, agreeing with her. He wasn't the type. It was a fine quality in a man she wanted for the long term, but what did long term mean these days?

“I advise you to keep your distance, Shepard. It would be selfish to guide him down a one way street like this. There's only one ending to this story and you have enough to deal with than mending broken hearts.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because every hot scar needs an origin story. :D 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	10. Act I - Chapter 10: Recalibration

"Bros before hoes, man,” Vega repeated as Cullen blocked an incoming punch with his forearm. His wounded bicep sung in pain as it tensed.

“A hoe? And that is...?”

“A prostitute,” Cortez called out evenly from his desk without looking up.

Cullen stopped hard and frowned deeply. “A what?” He ducked as Vega swung a wide punch and narrowed his eyes at his sparring partner.

Vega kept bouncing on the balls of his feet, weaving around him, and rolled his eyes. “I'm not calling my boss a hoe, hombre.”

“Sounds rather like you were.” Cullen suddenly leapt to action, getting under Vega's guard to land a punch on his jaw.

“ _Ow, fuck_. No way man. It's a thing. A saying we have, that your friends come before affairs of the dick...or heart...or whatever.”

“Wow, you should've taut etymology, James,” Cortez cut in dryly. “You're really schooling us here.”

“Fuck that, I hate bugs.”

They'd been sparing intensely for twenty minutes, and it had either been from exhaustion, or trying to throw Cullen off guard, that James had brought the whole _sleeping in Shepard's quarters_ thing up. Sweat had drenched through their shirts at this point, clinging to them like a second skin.

“Nothing happened,” Cullen insisted again. “We fell asleep.”

“Try telling Garrus that. He was looking for you after you _dropped_ her off.”

“She had a concussion!” Cullen cried in exasperation. He perfectly timed his next move with his outcry, turning Vega's incoming fist and arm into a lever to flip the much larger man easily over his back.

Vega grunted when his own weight worked against him and he hit the floor hard. “Fuck man,” he muttered as he accepted Cullen's proffered hand. “Do you ever get worn down?”

“Not likely.” Cullen grasped the bottom hem of his wet t-shirt and peeled it up over his head. The cool air of the shuttle bay was a welcome relief against his hot skin.

“So? What _were_ you doing?” Cortez failed miserably trying to hide his burning curiosity.

“I was telling her stories,” Cullen said blandly as he started drying himself off with a towel.

“Dirty ones?” Vega asked, pausing in his own cleanup to smirk and wink at him.

“Maker's Breathe, no!” he replied in exasperation. He had to fight back an amused smile at the mere suggestion he would do such a crazy thing. “Religious ones, about the founder of my faith.”

Vega shrugged and pulled on a clean shirt while Cullen followed suit. “I know jack squat about your faith, man. Could be dirty.”

“Far from it. She was a warrior, who found her calling and fought for our freedom.”

“So a story about Shepard?” Cortez ventured.

“I suppose there are parallels,” Cullen admitted as he started to pull on his boots. Truth be told, Cullen had purposefully spun the tale of Andraste for Shepard so she would find it more relatable. He hoped it was a small comfort for her to know that heroes faced the same challenges in all corners of the galaxy.

“Smooth,” Vega purred admiringly. “So what happened to her? Your warrior?”

Cullen hesitated for a beat but there was no sense in lying. “She was betrayed, captured and burned at the stake. I didn't get a chance to tell Shepard that part. She doesn't know how it ends.”

“Cuz you were banging,” Vega stated flatly.

“Because I fell asleep!” Cullen repeated with no small amount of frustration.

“Look man, whatever it was, I think you oughta talk to Garrus.” Vega was suddenly quite serious and placed a heavy hand on Cullen's shoulder. “He's pretty pissed about the whole thing.”

“Why should he be?” Cullen muttered. “They aren't together.”

“You'd have to be living in a hole to not see he still has feelings for her,” Vega retorted as he turned towards the workstation he always tinkered at. Cullen was mildly taken aback. He wouldn't have pegged Vega as a man who noticed the romantic inclinations of his colleagues, but Cullen was wrong about a lot of things.

“To be fair,” Cortez interjected. “Alenko and Shepard had a thing back in the day, right? I doubt Garrus apologized to him for swooping in and taking his girl.”

“That's different,” Vega argued as Cullen made his way to the elevator doors. “Alenko brushed her off at Horizon. He took her for a traitor. He was a total dick and didn't even hear her out. Garrus was there when it all went down, and she was fair game, man.”

Cullen turned in the elevator and faced the two friends, his face growing hot with anger. “She is your Commander, gentlemen, not a _strumpet_ or _fair game_. You'd do well to remember that.”

Cortez and Vega both shared a look of speechless surprise as they watched the doors close on Cullen with a sharp finality.

* * *

He decided not to go see Garrus at the first opportunity. Instead, Cullen receded back into his room where he flopped on his bed and attempted to read a bit more.

Most days the content was fascinating and educational, but now was clearly not the time for intellectual pursuits. The letters floated before his eyes meaninglessly and not a single word sunk in.

He hadn't lied to the guys downstairs. Nothing had happened. He had _almost_ kissed her. And maybe he _had_ also laid his hands on her. The memory of the shape of her was still embedded on his fingertips, and he felt a tiny bit guilty. He lay back and closed his eyes, foregoing all pretense to distract himself, and let his mind ebb and flow with thoughts of her.

He wondered when his disposition towards her had so drastically changed. Climbing into that mech at the Academy? Brandishing that bottle of whisky before Tuchanka? Or even before then? It didn't matter anyway. The only thing that mattered was that both of their feelings had changed. For the last twenty four hours, all of his thoughts of her had been reduced to sensory memories. He couldn't get the intensity of her brilliant and sharp blue eyes out of his mind. He still remembered the thundering of his heart and the scent of her hair, the warmth of her limbs against his. He'd been inexplicably magnetized to her and he'd hardly been able to pull himself away.

He wasn't a stranger to that feeling, but it had lead him astray before....

His mind inadvertently drifted to Lavellan, the accidental hero and born leader she had turned out to be. The accidental way he had fallen for her too. It was easier to accept that he had read all her signals wrong than imagine she had lead him on. Every lingering glance cast sidelong over the war table, every playful flirtation and inadvertent touch, even a romantic moonlit dance that he thought she'd rather enjoyed, had amounted to nothing but a proposal of friendship in the end.

But with Shepard, there was no denying what had passed between them. Her body language couldn't have been clearer, and had the doctor not stepped in, he was sure he would have found himself tangled in those bed sheets again if Shepard wanted it so.

And did _he_ want it? Absolutely. She was on his mind as much now in passion as she had been in frustration when he'd first arrived. She was an exceptional woman, and he wanted to know everything about her and every inch of her. He wanted to trace his fingers along every scar on her body, secret or otherwise, and hear her tell of them. It was only a small twist of fate that Garrus, Vega and anyone else were wrong in their accusations.

Whether any of these feelings should be fostered was a whole different question he didn't have the answer to. There were too many ways it could all go wrong, that it was all wrong to begin with, but he didn't know if those reasons would be enough for him to snap out of this.

Lost in his revere, stuck between head and heart, he didn't hear the quiet knock at his door. He looked up and saw Tali peeking her head around the corner.

“Am I interrupting?” she asked, her voice low and slightly husky.

“Absolutely not, Tali. Come on in.” He sat up in bed, pleased to see her, or anyone for that matter. She didn't visit often, but he welcomed the company.

“Oh no, I'm not here to see you,” she said hastily as he gestured her towards a nearby chair. “You just happen to sleep where we keep the drinks.”

“Oh.”

She turned on her heel and marched decisively towards the bar. Cullen shrugged but got up to join her anyway. He wasn't a casual drinker by any means, but if Shepard had another bottle of that whisky about, he might have a glass.

As he pulled up a stool, Tali proceeded to clamor around and made a racket behind the bar. A glass suddenly shattered, followed by an unrecognizable curse.

“Do you need help back there?” he asked cautiously, peering over and down at her.

“Nope,” she replied tersely.

“I suppose I wouldn't know how to make one of your drinks anyway,” he mused as he rested his arms on the bar. “Garrus mentioned it wouldn't be good for my health.”

She hummed distractedly and pulled up a glass, a straw and two brightly colored bottles of alcohol. He watched her pour and measure with astute accuracy, but he soon shifted his focus from her hands towards her mask and posture.

It wasn't long ago that he would have been utterly clueless as to what the woman was thinking or feeling. In the few months he'd been here though, he found that Tali spoke more through her body language and the inflections in her voice than most people did with their facial expressions. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know something was very wrong.

“Tali?” he asked carefully. “What's wrong?

“Wrong?” she asked innocently. “Nothing is wrong, Cullen. Why _ever_ would you think that?” She slipped the straw into her drink with care and sighed dreamily. “I love these things. Pure genius.”

"The drink or the straw?"

"The straw. Induction port. Whatever."

She took a long draw on the straw and rested her head blearily against her hand.

“Tali, there is definitely something wrong. A blind man could see that.”

“What about a Turian?” she asked miserably. “Or are they blind _and_ deaf?”

“I take it you're referring to Garrus? Rough conversation?”

“The man is a grumbling grouch with serious tunnel vision. _Shepard_. _Shepard_ wouldn't have gotten hurt if I were there. _Shepard_ needs me out there with her. Does Shepard like that guy more than me? Where is Shepard? _Shepard, Shepard, Shepard._ He didn't even realize I was there to talk to him about _him_.” She sighed heavily and took a long pull.

"I'm sorry, Tali. That must be hard for you to hear."

“He _hates_ you, by the way," she muttered. "Thought you should know.”

Cullen flushed and looked down at the bar top. “So I hear,” he said quietly.

“Does he have a reason?” she asked. It was a clever way of her to ask if he'd slept with their Commander.

“I don't know,” he replied vaguely, stepping around the bar to hunt for a beverage of his own. Now seemed as good a time as any. “You don't seem to think he should have one.”

“No, I don't think he should be mad at you either way. But is his reason _real_ or imagined?”

“Imagined.”

He found a short glass and a bottle of brandy, quickly pouring and whisking it down his throat in a few brisk movements. Tali watched him silently and read him as clearly as he had read her.

“You wish it wasn't, don't you?”

Cullen wasn't sure if it was a rhetorical question. Clearly, she knew the answer but perhaps wanted to hear him say it aloud, which he was in no way prepared to do. He still had a chance to talk himself out of his feelings for the woman, and saying it out loud would make it harder.

So he simply nodded.

She seemed satisfied with his answer and took another draw of her drink.

“So what's going on with Garrus then? Are you concerned for him?”

Tali twirled her straw absently in her bottle. “He's going through so much turmoil right now. He's worried about his family, his planet. He's always ready to hear the worst news so he's not surprised when he get its. He acts brave and strong but I know how terrified he is. He needs to let that out. That's not good for anyone."

"You're good friends. Why wouldn't he open up to you?"

"This is Garrus we're talking about." Cullen noted how her _r's_ rolled a little more freely now as she took another pull. "If he's not going to be brave, his next reaction isn't to just start _crying_ , Cullen. He's going to get angry."

"Oh."

"Thanks to last night, you're an easy target now. It's like....” She paused trying to find the right words. “It's like he wants to be mad at something other than the Reapers. Something he can handle. Maybe because they're so big and bad.” She looked over at Cullen and took a sideways sip. “And you're so small. And easy.”

“Well, thanks,” he mumbled. “That's the first I've heard that.”

“Really?” she asked innocently, turning away when he shot her a pointed frown. “Sorry.”

“I really thought we were friends,” Cullen said quietly, pouring himself another glass that he took a small sip of now.

“You are. He likes you a lot, Cullen. It's why he's so upset.”

"I also let Shepard get hurt."

"We all get hurt."

"But I should've done better."

“Well, for your first gun fight, _I_ think you did pretty well.”

Cullen gave her a weak but grateful smile. “Thanks, Tali. I appreciate it.”

A long silence hung between them, broken intermittently by the sucking sounds of Tali's straw. It was a comfortable silence that neither felt obligated to fill.

“So, what now?” she asked after a while.

“I suppose I should go talk to Garrus,” he sighed. “Maybe he'll just punch me and this will all go away.”

“He's a shooter, not a puncher. Heads up.”

“Right, almost forgot.” He reached over and put his hand over Tali's. “But where does that leave you?”

“Here. Drinking,”. Her _r's_ were rolling hard now, and she took a long pull until the gurgling sound of dregs came through. “Uh oh,” she said, tipping her glass curiously. It only took one drink for her to get more than a little wobbly.

Cullen came around to her side of the bar, ready to lead her towards the couch when she cried out, “Hang on there, buster! I need one for...the...rrrroad....”

He watched her warily as she crashed and banged beneath the bar again, this time being less careful with her alcohol to alcohol ratio. When she was satisfied, he lead her to the couch where she plopped down with a pleasant sigh.

“Is there anything I can get you, Tali? A snack?”

“You're sweet,” she said, clumsily patting his arm. “But I'm good.” She held her glass aloft to make her point, the liquid teetering dangerously close to the edge. “Hey, don't mention my being in here to Garrus, okay?”

“Can I put in a good word for you?”

“Put in a good word for yourself first. Then sure, tell the jerk I'm in love with him.”

Cullen smiled and patted her gently on the shoulder before leaving the room.

He moved slowly through the hallway leading to the elevator, the mess and Garrus beyond. He took the opportunity to work out what he would say to him. He had nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing had happened. Nearly nothing, he corrected himself. They weren't together anyway, so who was he answering to? A jealous ex-boyfriend? A sharp shooter best friend?

Before he knew the first thing he would say, Cullen found himself standing before the rolling door of the main battery, Garrus's back to him as he hunched over the console.

“Garrus,” he said quietly. Garrus looked up from the console, his back still to Cullen, but now straighter and stiffer.

“Commander Cullen,” he replied coldly.

Cullen took a few more tentative steps, being sure to keep clear of the Turian's reach.

“How are you?” he asked awkwardly.

“Oh, just swell,” he replied tersely. Garrus tipped his head back to the console and resumed the pretense of busy work.

“That's not what I've been hearing,” Cullen objected quietly.

Garrus shot him a seething glance. “What's it to you, _Commander_?”

“Rather than hearing it second hand, I'd like to hear it from you.”

“Oh, I see. You're being the bigger man, coming in here to confront me, face to face?”

“I'm not trying to be a bigger man, I'm trying to be your friend. Why are you upset with me?”

Garrus wheeled on him and glowered as only a truly angry Turian could. It was an intimidating thing, especially as he was at least a head taller than him.

“You wanna know why I'm pissed? You fucked up out there. You let Shepard do stupid shit and she got hurt.”

“It wasn't just me out there with her, Garrus. For fuck's sake, Liara is her best friend and Shepard was having none of it!”

“I didn't talk to Liara, did I? I talked to you.”

“That's hardly fair. It was my first--”

“It wasn't your first anything, _Commander_. You didn't watch her back!”

“She is our leader and she made decisions! I was _not_ about to undermine her authority.”

“Well, you know what's funny about that, Cullen?” Garrus took another step towards him. “You didn't sign on for this shit. You're not beholden to Alliance or Council authority. You're the only one who _can_ give a flying fuck what she says, stand in her way, and _watch. Her. Back_.”

Cullen stood rigid, expression painfully blank. It was something that had nagged the back of his mind ever since he'd picked up a gun. He was told he needed to be useful, and the Normandy needed more fighting power. But carrying a gun, or sparring with James, or laughing and joking with the others, didn't make him a part of this team. He was always going to be outside of it, even after months stuck in a space can together. Everyone aboard was fighting for their homes against the Reapers. The Reapers weren't seeking out Thedas. Not this cycle, at least. This wasn't his war.

But of all people to remind him of that, he didn't expect it to come from the first friend he'd made on board. Cullen was speechless for so long that Garrus' expression softened by the time he responded.

“You're absolutely right, Garrus. I am _not_ one of you. I come from a backwater planet and I am a sword and shield soldier. I'm out of my element here.”

“Cullen--.”

“It's fine. You're not telling me something I don't already know. I like to not remind myself of it everyday, but I thank you for not letting me forget it.” He couldn't keep the hurt out of his voice, as much as he didn't want to sound like the wounded child.

“Shit, Cullen, I didn't--”

“And here I thought you were mad because of some imagined affair you thought I was having with Shepard.”

Garrus paused and let that sink in for a second. “So...nothing happened between you two?”

Cullen shook his head.

Garrus chuckled humorlessly. “Because here I thought, not only did you fuck up, but she fell for you because of it.”

Cullen didn't respond. He would've corrected him, that she fell for him _in spite_ of it, but that would be admitting he fucked up _and_ that Shepard was falling for him. Cullen felt guilty for a lot things, but pulling her out of the mech because he hadn't physically stopped her from entering it in the first place wasn't one of them. Beyond that, he didn't know what motivations were behind Shepard's behavior, if she was serious about him or not, but he didn't need to start that conversation either.

Garrus closed his eyes and sighed. “Cullen, look.” He leveled a look at him, but it wasn't combative. “I don't have my head on straight. We're all losing people, and I don't want to lose more. Not Mordin, not Shepard, and not you.” He stepped over and clapped a hand on Cullen's good shoulder, his eyes moving to his bandaged arm. "That happened during the fight?”

Cullen nodded. "Pulling Shepard out of the mech."

Garrus nodded. “So you're bleeding for this war, Cullen. You're damn well are a part of it."

“Garrus, I'm not looking for you to back off what you said--.”

“I'm _not_ backing off. You're here outside the _system_. But you know what?” He lowered his head like he was about to share a little known secret. “ _Fuck_ the system.”

Cullen smiled cautiously, waiting to hear what his friend had to say. “I was with Shepard when she was a Spectre, and with her when she was with Cerberus. I've been C-Sec and I've been Archangel, and I bled all the same. So did she, so did we all, and it was the same color every time. The system didn't believe her when it all started, and the anti-system is lead by a lunatic. We. Are. It. We follow _her_ , and it doesn't matter _who_ you are, it just matters that you're _with_ us.”

Garrus paused, his intensity filling the silence between them.

“I'm with you. You know I am, Garrus.”

Garrus nodded to his bandaged arm again. “We all know it now.”

“You love her.” He blurted it out so quickly he wanted to stuff it back in and hope Garrus hadn't heard. It wasn't his place to say a word, not after what had happened.

Garrus turned away, head lowered, and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I love her. Doesn't make her mine.” Garrus laughed humorlessly and threw his arms up in the air. “Shit, I'll always love her! If she's not my girlfriend, she's my best friend. Barring that, she's still the only leader I'll follow to the ends of the universe.”

“But you'd prefer the first option, of course.”

He shrugged. “I know why she made the call. When it comes down to it, too many people need us and I wouldn't want to choose between her or anyone else.”

“You would choose her anyway, wouldn't you?”

“Well, clearly she doesn't want me to. I wouldn't want _her_ to choose _me_ for the wrong reasons either. ”

Cullen nodded his understanding. Breaking up with Garrus had also been sealing a promise from him. Love made tough choices tougher, so she had made it easier for them.

That Garrus understood _that_ only made his ignorance of Tali's obvious affection all that much more mind boggling.

“I think she likes you, Cullen.”

“What? Why would you think that?” He hoped he didn't sound as shifty and awkward as he felt.

“I can sense it. Just watch out. She'll start making bad jokes and you'll start saying stupid shit and before you know it, you'll be suckered in.”

“Thanks for the warning.” If Cullen wasn't imagining things, he was almost certain Garrus had just granted him disguised permission.

But again, the fact that Garrus _sensed_ anything was surprising. “What about you? Is there someone you think is interested in you?” He hoped he sounded casual enough. Despite what Tali had said, he would _not_ tell him she loved him.

“Me?” Garrus laughed lightheartedly, turning back to his console. Cullen was all the more grateful for his friendship that the tensions between them could so easily disperse. “What poor fool would ever want this ravaged mug?”

“I hear women love facial scars.”

“Yeah, maybe your hairline knick there, buddy. Half your face isn't missing.” Garrus laughed and shook his head.

“You might be surprised. Perhaps there's someone more interested than you think.”

Garrus looked at him sideways. “You know something I don't?”

Cullen shrugged and moved to the door. He needed to make it just obvious enough, right? “I don't know. But maybe something is right under your nose.” Cullen gestured to his visor. “Check that monocle thing. Maybe it needs calibrating.” He grinned broadly and winked. Barring grabbing the man by the shoulders and telling him Tali was in love with him, it was the best he could do.

“I'll see you around, Garrus.”  
Garrus spoke up just as he stepped out.

“Just for the record, Shepard wouldn't have gotten so banged up had I been there.”

Cullen smirked as Garrus cast him a sidelong look over his shoulder. “I'm a poor substitute for you, Garrus.”

“Don't you forget it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	11. Act 1: Chapter 11 - Hot and Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of those chapters I could've worked on forever! I'm coming across quite a few of those :) oh well, need to forge ahead now. Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> And thanks to fontofnothing.tumblr.com for sharing this little story among her awesome Cullen screenshots :-)

“Okay, that's it.”

Cullen had been peacefully watching some vids on the history of Earth when Shepard came charging into his room, in a blaze of determined righteousness.

“What's it?” Cullen asked calmly, setting his screen down to admire her passionate pacing.

The last few weeks had passed without note, but Cullen couldn't deny that a vibration had changed between them. Imaginary strings were stretched taut between them now, willing them to draw closer, and every time they drew away, a hum of tension was left suspended between them. There was so little acknowledgement of their close run in with each other's lips, in fact, that if it weren't for that hum, Cullen could've sworn he'd imagined the whole thing.

As it was, he would catch Shepard watching him from the corner of her eye, or find a reason to brush past him in the elevator or the mess. Her eyes warmed every time they saw him, no matter what she was studying or who she was talking to.

“Garrus and Tali. Something needs to give!” She threw her hands up in frustration and mocked pulling out her dark hair.

“Did something just happen?”

Her over dramatic sentiment notwithstanding, everyone else on board shared her feelings. Just about everyone wanted to slap Garrus upside the head nowadays. Cullen's little hints had fallen on deaf ears and Tali, poor nervous considerate Tali, didn't want to make the bold move and tell him outright, potentially putting him in an uncomfortable position. She wanted it to evolve naturally, she insisted.

EDI pointed out that evolution was a series of slaps in the face until adaptation was successful.

Now Shepard was at her wits end, and that usually meant there would be a plan.

“Yes, a whole lot of nothing. So you know they're the only two dextros on board, right? So Tali slaves, I mean _slaves_ away in that shitty little kitchen for hours making whatever they eat. _Hours_.” Shepard's arms waved wildly above her head, perhaps trying to illustrate something Cullen hadn't yet figured out. And she couldn't stop pacing. “So Garrus has been in and out of that battery at least once or twice during it, chats her up, tastes the food, compliments it--.”

Cullen raised a hand to stop her right there. “Hang on, Shepard. How do you know all this? Were you standing there the whole time?”

Shepard snorted out a laugh and shook her head. “Noooo.” She stopped and finally looked up at him. “I might have turned on surveillance for the kitchen.” Her rigorous pacing started up again as Cullen laughed.

“Surveillance?! Shepard, are you spying on us?”

She waved her hand in a frustrated dismissal. “Just on Tali in the kitchen. Because I was going nuts watching her cook.” Cullen remained silent, just to see if she would get defensive. She proceeded to speak so quickly he wondered if she paused for breathe.

“I wouldn't just watch _anyone_. That's totally creepy and weird. There are only cameras in the public areas anyway, so it's not even possible to see bathrooms and crew quarters. Of course, you're in a public room, so technically you could be watched. I've been asked to review footage of really sketchy poker games before, but your bed isn't even in frame so--.”

She stopped. Froze. Checked to see if he was listening. His eyebrows having shot to the ceiling, there was a pretty good chance he hadn't missed a word.

“Um--you were joking, weren't you?”

“Yes,” he nodded slowly. “Yes, I was.” His eyes roved the room quickly to find this camera. Shepard flushed while he wracked his memory for any unseemly things he might've done in here.

She smiled weakly and sat down on the couch, looking ready to dive under it instead. He grinned and shrugged. “If you really were watching, you wouldn't have sat there, so I feel better,” he teased.

Shepard jumped up and cast a dubious look at the couch, reddening when he started to laugh again.

“So what happened, Shepard?” He walked over and sat down on the couch opposite her's, legs up and crossed leisurely on the cushion. He had moved past his formal propriety and stiff posture with her at this point, if not past their friendship. He supposed even _almost_ kissing someone had that effect on people.

Shepard's eyes wandered over him for the shortest of seconds as he lay back. Even as he warmed under her gaze, he was a little less annoyed that these shirts were still so damn tight.

“Oh. Right. So um, where was I?”

“Tali? Crazy? Chatting up?”

“Yeah!” she exclaimed, sitting up straight as an arrow. “She serves up _two_ plates of this meal. Lays them out _beautifully_ like little works of art. She sets up the mess hall and even has a flipping _tulip_ in a vase. The woman then goes around the whole ship telling everyone the mess is off limits so they can be alone. She goes to invite Garrus, he _sees_ the plates laid out on the table just for them, and get this.” She paused for dramatic effect. “He fucking _claps_ her on the back and says he had a _snack_ but thank you _anyway_!”

“Wait. How would Tali even eat that?” Cullen asked, knowing it was well besides the point. “I've only seen her eat paste or something with a straw.”

“That's what makes it even worse!” Shepard threw up her hands. “She must have done some serious research because Quarians don't do meals like that. She can't eat a bite until she processes it. She did it all for Garrus!”

“Oh.” Cullen frowned. “Yikes.”

“Yeah, yikes. And it's not like he's even doing it on purpose. He's as dense as a black hole sometimes.”

Cullen rubbed his rough cheek with the palm of his hand, suddenly feeling incredibly embarrassed on his friend's behalf.

“So do you have a proposal? To make him... _see the light_?” Cullen's lip slowly curled in a self satisfied smirk.

A long awkward pause followed, until Shepard grimaced and crinkled her nose. “Oh shit, did you just make a black hole pun?”

“Yep,” he grinned.

“Blegh. Yikes, is right.” Shepard flashed him a playful smirk that sent a pleasant shiver down his limbs. “So, yeah, I have no idea what will get him to snap to. Barring one of us actually telling him. I figured that could be you, seeing as how you guys get along.”

“Me?” Cullen asked, surprised. “I've only known him for a few months.”

“Not much longer than most of us on board. Except for me, Liara and Joker. Edi was around but she didn't have a body--”

“What about you?”

Shepard shook her head. “Too much history. We were together before the Collector base and I only kind of just broke up with him. It'd be weird for me to openly play matchmaker.”

“And Liara?”

Head shake. “No go. My best friend. Still weird.”

Cullen sighed. “And not Joker because....”

“He'd _make_ it weird.”

“Right. Well I'm no good at love advice, Shepard. Trust me.”

“Oh come on. Don't you have a parable or story that'll fit this situation?”

Cullen laughed and threw his arms back behind his head, reclining even more until he was looking up at the ceiling. “What in the void do you think I did at home? Share stories around a campfire like some wizened old man?”

“Well....” He felt her eyes wander over him again and he fought to hide a smile. “You're clearly not old. And definitely not _wizened_.”

“Har har," he deadpanned. "I'm not doing it, Shepard. The romantic fulfillment of two of my friends cannot rely upon the success or failure of my less than considerable matchmaking skills.”

Shepard blew out a puff of exasperated breathe and flopped down to lay on her own couch. They were both silent for a long moment, and Cullen could practically hear the gears turning in her head.

“What are we going to do?” she asked.

“Is it necessary to do anything? We are in the middle of a war, mind you?”

War was a time to defend and protect, not woo and undress. It was a fact that had carried him through the Lavellan disappointment. He had thrown himself into his work and his soldiers' training, focused on regaining control of his faculties post-lyrium intake. It was harder here, up in space, when all he had were datapads and vids to distract him between ground missions. But it would have to be enough to carry him through this Shepard _thing_ if they never figured out what this _thing_ between them was.

“Uh, yeah. That's exactly why it needs to happen.”

“Is that so?”

There was a long pause while Shepard considered something. “Did you know that falling in love is a version of clinical insanity?”

It was an out of the blue statement but Cullen chuckled and shook his head. “I guess it accounts for the crazy things people do for it or because of it.” Like dismantle entire Inquisitions when their _true love_ was on the brink of unleashing horrible things on the world.

“It's true,” she insisted. “Neuroscientists claim that the part of the brain we rely on for judgment shuts down when we fall in love.”

“That...is actually rather _alarming_....”

“No. People need more of that.”

“What? More crazy?”

“No. More _love_. That reckless abandon we can't afford to have in the field or in public... or _anywhere_ , actually.”

“And more poor judgment?” he asked skeptically.

Shepard turned to look at him pointedly. “Poor judgment? So you think Tali and Garrus are a bad match?”

He didn't have to think long on that answer. “No, they're rather perfect for each other, actually.”

“Right. Lack of judgment doesn't always mean _poor_ judgment,” she corrected.

“Ugh, semantics, Shepard,” he groaned. “I wouldn't have taken you for a hopeless romantic.”

She shrugged. “When the mood strikes. And it's striking. Right now. For them. So are you going to help me think of something or not?”

Her reasons for honing in on this particular mundane problem, in light of everything going on, could be deemed absolutely ridiculous. Perhaps when he was another man. But now he understood her motive completely. _More to fight for_. That's what they'd discussed and she was sticking to it. That wasn't ever a bad thing. He admired her dedication to it. More than admired it actually....

“Well, what can we do barring telling Tali to suck it up or Garrus to wake up?” he asked.

He watched Shepard chew her bottom lip thoughtfully, unbidden and tantalizing images hopelessly distracting him for a moment. She really could be utterly distracting in otherwise completely practical situations.

“What if we stage something?” she offered. “Like a party? Get some drinks flowing, some dance moves going to get in the groove--.”

“ _Your_ dance moves? How many drinks?”

She brushed him away, not even bothering to see him spread a wicked smile. “Enough that you'll want to see more.”

“Oh, Shepard,” he sighed. “While seeing you dance drunk would be exhilarating, I doubt Tali wants to confess her love for Garrus when they're inebriated.”

“Well, what bright ideas do you have?”

Cullen wracked his brain for options. Staging _something_ that didn't seem too forced?Maybe an accident of some kind....

“What about a prank?” he blurted. Sera's random onsets of mischievousness had sent more than a few Skyhold residents into a tizzy. It had taken him a month to figure out she'd put something under his desk to make it wobble. That _damn_ wobble.…

“A prank? Like what?”

Of course, most of her pranks were simple jokes, but there was that one time she'd locked Tom and Josephine up in her office for a few hours. _Nudging them on a bit_ she'd said with a shrug.

“Lock them in a room together?”

Shepard arched a skeptical eyebrow. “It's not enough to be stuck on a ship together? There's not that much distance between them.”

“True. But he's always in the battery and she's always in engineering. They need something to bring them together besides meal time and shooting time. And _not_ drinking,” he insisted when Shepard made to protest.

“Fine, a prank that brings them together, huh? What the hell could that be…?”

“Well, pranks really weren't my thing,” he confessed. “I was usually the victim, not the mastermind.”

“You don't say?” Shepard's purr dripped with sarcasm.

“Yeah, well, now you can't say I didn't help. I offered my brilliant idea. Don't forget when it works.” Cullen shifted to cover his eyes with his forearm, feigning sleep after a task well done.

“You didn't think of anything there, _wizened_ boy,” she teased.

“Unless you're good at practical jokes, I imagine we'll be spinning our wheels for a while then, Commander.” Even though he pretended to be done with the topic, he truly was trying to think of a plan. What would Sera do...?

“Spinning wheels?” Shepard repeated dreamily. Cullen unshielded his eyes for a moment to glance as her curiously. He knew that tone of voice...that slow eureka moment....

“I think I might have an idea.”

“Do you now?”

Shepard turned her lovely face to his, all toothy grin. “I just have to see if he'd like to help.”

* * *

“Not so hard!”

“I'm trying to be gentle!”

“No you're not! You have big hands.”

“They are _not_ that large.”

“Large enough.”

“What are you saying?”

“You don't know your own strength.”

“My own strength? I'm a soldier, I know what I'm capable of.”

“You need to be a lover, not a soldier, Cullen.”

“I _am_ being a lover!”

“You're squeezing him! That's not love.”

“I'm not trying to squeeze him. He's just being squirmy.”

“Oh, jeez, just give him here.”

In Shepard's cabin once again, Cullen handed her the little fuzzy hamster that had been happily spinning in his wheel house moments before. She immediately started nuzzling him, his little whiskered nose twitching against hers.

“It's okay, little guy. Did that mean man squish you?”

“I was not squishing.”

“He _was_ squishing you, wasn't he? Poor fluffy head, that meany head doesn't know his own strength.” Shepard nuzzled the hamster for another second, watching an exasperated Cullen cross his arms and roll his eyes.

“Now what?”

“Now the magic happens. We release him on the starboard observation deck. EDI promised there is no getting out of that room, not even for someone yay tall.”

“Yes but why _actually_ release him? We just want to lock Tali and Garrus up in the same room.”

“Because we don't want them to realize we've locked them in the room until after they've caught my hamster. Plus it'll be cute to see them both diving after him.” Shepard grinned and shrugged.

“You know, I'm starting to think this is more cruel than getting them drunk.”

“Oh, please. The couple that stalks a rodent together, stays together.”

“And you don't think the romantic meal you've laid out for them will capture their attention _before_ they've captured your hamster?”

“It's not extravagant. It's a bottle of Turian wine, some Turian appetizers and maybe a couple of candles.”

“Yeah. I think the candles will give them pause,” Cullen pointed out.

“Oh, I don't think so. This little guy will give them a run for their money. Won't you buddy?”

The hamster squeaked his agreement, and Shepard looked up and caught Cullen looking at her in that funny way again... not that funny _haha_ way but the way that made her heart flip and thrummed a cord between her legs. “What?” she asked shortly.

He shook his head slightly and rubbed at the back of neck, which she noticed he tended to do when he was nervous. “You're really excited about this, aren't you?” Nervous or not, the fire wasn't leaving those brilliant amber eyes.

“Sure. It's kind of fun to mix shit up.” Did that sound cool? Casual? Too casual? Gah.

“That's not it.” He moved in closer and Shepard couldn't tear her eyes away. He narrowed his eyes thoughtfully, piercingly. “Their happiness means a lot to you.”

Chakwas was yelling warning sirens in her head, but it was like watching a car crash in slow motion. And he was the car coming at her....

“Of course it does. _They_ mean alot to me.” Her voice sounded huskier than she intended, and she cleared her throat awkwardly.

“You're a surprising person, Shepard. You know that?” Another step closer, another degree warmer. “I've seen leaders fall in love with those they lead. I've seen followers fall in love with their leaders.”

She was suddenly very aware of how alone they were in her room again, but it was almost worse now than before. He was like some forbidden fruit, and now he was making himself more and more accessible…

She wondered what she would be feeling if Chakwas _hadn't_ mentioned anything before. If everything had run its course that day and they had made a delicious mess of everything. Probably _pretty_ good on her bed right now, that's what. Ooo, or her couch....

“I told you before, Cullen. They're my friends. My _family_. I lead because it's my title, but they follow because--.”

“They love you,” he cut in quietly. A hot flush crept up her neck and to her cheeks. He must know the effect he was having on her. He hardly had to try. He could just stand there and stare at her and she'd be a mindless puddle. Her clothes suddenly clung too tightly, her skin on fire and her pulse thundering as he kept looming larger.

“I've never actually met a leader who did _this_.” His eyes flicked to the hamster in her hands. “Someone who thought of crazy ways to bring love to her friends.”

He was nearly upon her now, cornering her between him and her desk. She sat down hard as the backs of her knees hit the edge, and she tipped her chin up towards him. He wasn't hesitating, wasn't stopping, and neither was she. Sirens blared in her ears and she drank every detail of his features, his ever and always perfect hair, the two day fuzz on his cheeks, his scar...his lips.…

She inhaled sharply the moment his mouth met hers. Chaste and gentle, his lips were warm and soft as she sank against him. They stayed that way innocently for a long moment, savoring it's sweetness.

He captured her face in his hands when he pulled back, searching for something in her eyes. Shepard's thoughts were only filled with kissing him again.

“Is this okay?” He was a little breathless, hungry and hesitant all at once, so she closed her eyes and leaned towards him.

“Is it...?” she whispered. Her answer was to draw in their next kiss, pulling him closer to her. Was there a better answer? A more appropriate one? Was this okay? Was any of this okay? It had to be, it felt so good. What was Chakwas thinking?

She parted her lips and he accepted the invitation, her legs wrapping around his hips and urging him closer. The desk was narrow and there was nowhere else to go but closer. She shared his raw hunger, unfiltered and uncaring, desperate to taste each other for the first time. His hands wove into her hair as their lips and tongues searched and danced, the heat boiling inside her.

Her hands...her hands needed to be doing something....

“Ouch!”

She pulled away in a snap and gasped as her hamster, her poor momentarily forgotten hamster, leapt out of her hands and onto the desk.

“Shit!”

He was off like a rocket across the smooth surface, and Shepard quickly dove past a dazzled Cullen to try and catch him before he hit the floor.

“No, no, no, no!” She dove again and watched him land softly on her floor. And head straight for the big old hole EDI used to live in as an orb. “Not there, buddy! Don't! Do it!”

She dove to the floor and onto her belly, grazing him with her fingertips. Cullen took a few quick steps before diving towards the opening just as her furry friend scuttled into the dark corridors of her ship.

Forehead square to the floor and limbs sprawled, Shepard moaned. “Sonofabitch.”

“I told you he was squirmy,” Cullen said from the hole.

“I had that coming. Life lesson. Don't make out when holding hamsters.”

“Now we know for next time.”

Eyes still closed, she tilted her head up and blew an ungracious raspberry in Cullen's direction and pointedly ignored his chuckle.

“So what now?” he asked as they stood. “No hamster. No plan.”

He reached out towards her again, a rogue smirk crossing his lips. Apparently he was just peachy with picking up where they left off. Shepard took a quick step back. Her sensibility had returned, but that didn't mean it wouldn't go right out the window if he kissed her again.

“Not so fast, buck-o. I don't give up that easy.” She bit back the urge to grab him and kiss him, especially when he looked so childishly crestfallen. She punched her omni tool, accessing EDI's private line. “EDI, I seem to have lost my hamster.”

“Excellent. Would you like me to notify Garrus and Tali on their private channels to check starboard?”

“No, no, no. I actually _lost_ him.” Shepard frowned deeply when Cullen leaned against the wall looking far too amused. “He went through the wall hole thing in my quarters.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Why do I even have that there?”

“Decoration?” EDI offered unhelpfully. “A nostalgic reminder of me?”

“You're too kind. Can you find him?”

“Absolutely, Commander. I can conduct a thermal scan of the ship but given his size, it may take some time.”

Cullen slowly stalked towards her, that devious smile sending her heart racing before she could react. If she'd wanted to react, that is. “Then we have time,” he growled quietly so only she could hear.

In a graceful swoop, he reached out and scooped Shepard against him, one powerful arm wrapping around her waist and leaving her breathless against him. Shepard's heart hammered and her body hummed once again, her hands against his chest a flimsy barrier between their bodies…between giving in to her impulses and holding back...between being selfish and not.

It would be so easy to just be reckless. That crazy kind of reckless she preached but was told she couldn't practice.

He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, using the same movement to run his rough fingertips against her cheek. He leaned in closer....

“EDI?” she gasped breathlessly, her eyes rolling closed as she leaned towards him.

"Yes, Commander?"

His lips brushed her's momentarily, but he slid down to whisper them against her jaw instead. She leaned towards him as he trailed soft and lingering kisses across her skin, setting a trail of shivers ablaze across her skin.

That he could be intense was obvious from the first day he had arrived. His anger, his frustration at being aboard this ship, had made that perfectly clear. But now this...this was an intensity she could lose herself in.

"Have you ever played hot and cold?" she asked.

"Jeff and I have played I-Spy, Shepard. Is it the same?"

She let herself give in to him as he kissed the delicate skin behind her ear and tugged playfully at her earlobe, almost daring her to try and speak coherently. She would've found it mildly amusing, even amidst the sheer pleasure of it, if her guilty conscious didn't suddenly rear its head.

Her fingers stiffened against his chest and pushed ever so gently, her hands contradicting her body's every other instinct to draw him closer.

He responded immediately and pulled away, his lips flushed red and a question in his hooded eyes. She ran a dazed thumb over his lips and silently marveled at how his mouth had so easily found one of her favorite secret places. _Lover, indeed._

"A little different, EDI." She swallowed hard and took a step back from him, hoping he was receiving the wordless apology she was trying to send. "Do the thermal scan. When I'm hot, I'm right next to him. Cold, I'm far."

As she stepped passed him towards the door, she watched him straighten, rigid and expressionless, and her guilt flooded in. She'd gone just far enough to make this not okay, to have lead him on, inadvertently or not. He wouldn't mope or pout, complain or protest though. He was too dignified for something childish like that. She placed a hand on his limp arm. "Cullen. Please. Help me make some magic."

* * *

What had come over him? He looked down at his hands, flexing his fingers to be sure they responded, in case they'd become foreign things that had grown a mind of their own. They had betrayed him for the first time, listening to a voice within him that he had thought he had suppressed.

Her lips still lingered against his, his arms still felt her shape even as they silently rode the elevator down.

Cullen glanced at her sidelong, studying her carefully casual expression like nothing had passed between them.

He had simply reacted. Had stopped resisting the ever present pull between them. Watching her smile and tease him, marveling over her excitement for such a simple thing, it was refreshing and beautiful. He wanted to know her, feel her, bask in the light she spread to those she cared for.

His desire for her surpassed anything he had felt before, and it startled him, stupefied him and somewhat frightened him.

He was nothing if not prepared for every situation, refusing to ever let anything or anyone catch him off guard. True, women seemed to blindside him more often than not, but he should've had enough lessons by now to know better.

Yet here he was, letting another woman get under his skin. He'd let the vibration hang between them, enjoying it when he should have been wary of it. He should've had a stronger grasp of his self control after their last encounter, but he'd let his caution slip as he grew more and more comfortable around her.

Now it turned out he couldn't trust himself around her. He couldn't watch her speak without looking at her lips. Couldn't watch her manipulate the galaxy map without watching her delicate fingers move through the air. He felt greedy and needy and it wasn't him. He wasn't the man he knew himself to be.

So maybe she had done him a favor, pushing him away. She'd obviously thought about their last run-in and had decided what was best for them both. He would have come to the same conclusion had he twisted and turned the options in his mind. The span of space, time and technology between their two worlds was a massive chasm to cross.

It was sensible... _she_ was sensible, if passionate, and always seemed to know her mind. Yet another trait he admired, and one that drew him closer to her even as it was the reason she pushed him away.

Now, as he followed her through the halls, with EDI telling them whether they were hot or cold every few seconds, he kept his fists clenched tightly at his sides, his nails digging deeply into his palms.

Shame on him for making another wrong assumption about a woman's feelings. Shame on him for dropping his guard. He allowed himself to be vulnerable, so this is what happened. It's what always happened.

He felt embarrassed and exposed as he watched her play her hot and cold game. He supposed a _just kidding_ shrug wouldn't be convincing in this case, but he could pretend nonchalance with her. He was shit at pretending to be anything he wasn't, but so be it.

This was fine. It was better this way. A galaxy would stand between them when he finally arrived back home. He didn't need this. Didn't want this. Couldn't have this....

"Jeez, EDI," Shepard muttered under her breathe. "How can he be moving so fast? Or are you not getting it? There is a warm in there too, you know."

"Warm? Oh.” Their comms were silent for a long moment while EDI processed this new bit of information. “Like you're getting closer, but not quite?"

Shepard sighed and rolled her eyes, sweeping over her shoulder to lock eyes with him. "Yeah, there's a warm, EDI."

While she spoke to EDI, the regret in her eyes gave him the distinct impression her words were for him. "Warm is a good place to be too. It's where people can be good friends, and care for each other comfortably.” Cullen's breathe hitched in his throat. There is was, plain as day. “I don't want to be cold, and then hot. That's not fair to anyone."

"Shepard, to what exactly are you referring?" EDI asked innocently.

Shepard blinked hard and looked away, Cullen's breathe still caught in his chest. "Nothing, never mind. Where is he now?"

"Warm."

"Left or right?"

"Actually. The ladies bathroom."

"What?"

"He's in the vent above the shower."

"Awesome.” She squeezed his arm abruptly, but he hardly registered her touch. “Cullen, I'll be right back."

Shepard disappeared into the rest room directly in front of starboard observation. He waited awkwardly in the hallway, forcing a stiff smile at passing crew mates as his thoughts ricocheted in his head.

It was Lavellan all over again. It had just snuck up on him, and his life had circled back to this, all these billions of miles away....

He heard a curse and the clatter of a metal grate falling to the ground.

"Gotcha!" she exclaimed. Shepard soon reappeared, happy as a clam and holding the elusive little hamster in a tight grip.

"You're holding him too tight, Shepard," Cullen chided, forcing a dull smile.

"He's not getting away now. No way in hell." She turned and headed straight to starboard, the door sliding open for her. "So EDI, you're sure that he can't leave this room?"

"Positive, Shepard. All grates and air ducts are at ceiling level. He's too small to open the exit, and the window leads to space. I think we're covered."

Cullen looked around and couldn't help but admire the effort Shepard had put into the room. A blanket was spread out in front of the window with a basket of nameless Turian treats and a bottle of Turian wine. Flameless candles were setup around the blanket and tables to provide just the right amount of ambiance.

"When EDI get's the music going and dims the lights, it'll be perfect," she said quietly. "Ready?"

"Ready."

Shepard placed the little hamster on the couch where he miraculously decided to stay still. Perhaps he was exhausted from having run down the ship. His nap would probably defeat the purpose of the chase, but either way, with a little pat on his head, Shepard and Cullen left the room.

Shepard wordlessly pointed for him to go to his room while she took the elevator up. He stood idle for a few minutes, a dangerous opportunity to keep stewing, when Shepard's voice came over his Omni tool. She sent the broadcast to other pre-determined crew mates, all of whom were in on the setup except for the two love birds.

"Hey guys, little emergency here."

"What's up, Lola?"

"Uh...my hamster is missing."

"What? Again?" Tali asked. "How did he get out?"

"No idea, Tali. Maybe he jumped out. He's pretty badass."

"Perhaps he phased out of the tank, Shepard," Liara pointed out. "Have you been giving him eezo?"

"Only that one time. Whatever, help a friend out here, guys?"

"Sure, Shepard. Want me to check the battery? I'm already in here."

"No, Garrus. I think the battery is impenetrable. At least I hope so. Liara, Vega, can you check the med bay? Garrus, Tali, check starboard observation. Cullen, go down to the shuttle bay and see if Cortez can lend a hand."

"Wow, you really planned this well, Shepard," Garrus commended, sounding mildly impressed at her decisive action plan. Shepard didn't respond right away, and Cullen smiled at how she might be scrambling for a response.

“Oh you know me, Garrus. Girl with the plan.”

It took five minutes of mindless milling around before EDI confirmed both Tali and Garrus were in starboard observation. Gathered around a monitor in the cockpit, they watched as the two came to realize what had happened. Tali had the little hamster in hand, staring at the bottle of wine.

“Why aren't we turning up the volume again?” Joker asked.

“To give them some privacy, bro. Tali's about to confess her love.”

“Oh, sure sure. Let's stare at them without their knowing instead.”

“Oh relax guys. Two minutes and we'll leave them alone,” Shepard insisted.

“I wanna see when they realize we locked them in,” Liara pointed out.

“I give it two minutes,” Vega said

“What do you suppose they're saying?” Cortez asked.

“ _Hey, Tali_ ,” Vega started in his worst imitation of Garrus. “ _Have something that needs calibrating?_ ”

“ _Why yes, Garrus_ ,” Joker started in his worst ever soprano of Tali. “ _It's right here inside my suit._ ”

“Guys….”

“ _Here, let me help you with that_.”

“ _Vega_....”

“ _Oh why thank you, Garrus. You really are a master calibrator. Did you know I'm in love with you too?_ ”

“ _Well isn't that funny, because I'm in love with you. Wanna get it on?_ ”

“Ugh, you're ruining the magic people!” Shepard threw her hands up in the air and turned away from the monitor. “Keep me posted if they need a hand.”

Cullen watched as Liara and Shepard left the cockpit, but he stood a little while longer, glad to see one romance blossom.

* * *

“I knew this would happen, Shepard.”

“What do you mean, you _knew_?”

“You found a kindred spirit in the man. He's handsome, charming, wants you, knows the challenge of leadership....Shall I go on?”

“No.” Shepard flopped back on the bed. “I get it, I'm a sucker.”

“You're not a sucker, you're under a lot of pressure. It's a lonely situation for you, and you're attaching yourself to someone who understands that situation and helps you forget about it at the time.”

“Boy, am I glad I'm already laying down for this,” Shepard drawled, playfully bored.

Liara forged on, ignoring the tease. “You know that's a part of it. I'm sure you'd prefer to hear about his fantastical world like they're some distant fairy tales rather than the realities of ours.”

“May I remind you that _he_ kissed _me_ first?”

Liara shrugged. “I'm just telling you why you kissed back.”

“Right, thanks for that,” Shepard mumbled. “You're also going to tell me exactly what the wise doctor told me, aren't you? ”

“That you need to not let him get attached to you? Don't hurt him because you'd be jarring his already jarred sensibilities? Sure. Personally, I think he's adjusted just fine. He's a soldier and we're at war. He's trained for this, regardless. It's not him I'm worried about though.”

“You know I can handle myself just fine. Kaiden, Garrus.” Shepard shrugged. “All the ones you _don't_ know about,” she teased. “I come out just fine.”

“Well, seeing as I can only speak about the _two_ ,” Liara sighed, “I _will_ say I think this is different.”

“Different? How?”

“I don't know. But I don't think you should get attached to him.”

“Well I already told him as much. My guilt won out and I had to see that kicked puppy look on his face. You can all be happy.”

“It doesn't make us happy and you know it.”

“Whatever. Garrus and Tali get to have a thing,” Shepard pouted in her best effort to sound whiney.

“Garrus and Tali are different. Whether we win or lose this war, you two _won't_ be together, Shepard. This isn't breaking up with a guy and letting bygones be bygones. You could--.” Liara paused, unwilling to continue.

“I could what?” Shepard propped herself up on her elbows, giving her friend a laser hard stare to urge her to continue.

“You could actually fall in love with him, Shepard.” She whispered it quietly, like some nefarious Shadowbroker secret.

“Liara,” Shepard moaned, flopping back on the bed in exasperation. Love was the last thing on her mind when he'd kissed her. All she wanted was him, and damn the psychobabble that everyone wanted to attached to it.

“You could, Sarah," she insisted. "You're opening yourself up to it. And then you know what?”

Shepard was silent for a few breathes, willing herself to shove all these warnings to the back of her mind, but unable to. “What?” she finally asked.

“You _still_ don't get to keep him. He's going home, one way or another.” She shook her head sadly while her fingers tried to coax some peace into Shepard's ragged thoughts.

“We're already losing so much, Shepard. Why would you want to lose more?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! <3


	12. Act I: Chapter 12 - Across the Sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the wickedly long hiatus, everyone! I find inspiration in what I read and play I finally got inspired again. :) so ever onward with our two fabulous commanders.

In the intervening weeks since the *hamster hunt*, so dubbed as a benchmark during his time here, Cullen had found a new pleasant distraction in sitting in the cockpit behind EDI and Joker. No one would believe where he'd been and what he'd seen once he got home. Given enough time, even he would have a hard time believing it. This would all seem like a crazy distant dream. 

Maybe even a lyrium withdrawl dream. He remembered those well enough, how vivid they'd been upon waking in the darkness of Skyhold. He'd always had a few disoriented moments afterwards, covered in sweat, when he wasn't sure if the nightmares *hadn't* happened. But this was obviously very different. This, all of this, *was* happening, and it wasn't a nightmare. It was messy, exhilarating and chaotic and he needed to remember it forever. All of it. 

Lucky for him, there was no better seat in the house for a traveler of the stars than behind the driver himself. The stars blazed by differently from this vantage point in the cockpit than from elsewhere on the ship. They felt less like a beautiful painting through a wall of glass and more of a road he was traveling down. Going through mass relays were his most breathtaking experiences, but the incoming sight of the nebula that nestled the Citadel they were now approaching was a close second. 

They had made a few quick stops on the way here but, unfortunately, they were quick by necessity and less by design. The ever growing Reaper presence in the galaxy made their subtlest pulses and blips too easy to detect. Joker, however, relished the thrill of the escape, able to stretch his wings with some clever evasive maneuvers that showed off his considerable skill.

Cullen was particularly impressed by their latest narrow escape before the mass relay to the Citadel, and he said as much as they neared the nebula. 

Joker laughed and shrugged dismissively. “That? That was nothing. You should've seen the shit I did at the Collector base. *That* was sick.”

“The Collector base was ill, or were you?” EDI asked curiously. “I didn't record any unhealthy abnormalities in your bio data.”

“Huh?” Joker glanced askance at the curvaceous AI seated casually beside him. She looked genuinely perplexed, a rare moment for her. “Oh no, EDI, not sick like cough cough. Sick like...uh...*pimp*.”

“Sick like a pimp? Is sickness particularly common for pimps?”

“Maybe? But no. No, no,” he said with an emphatic shake of his head. “Sick as in so amazingly awesome it would just blow your mind.”

“Then why didn't you just say that, Jeff?” she asked coolly. EDI turned to Cullen. “Are pimps so amazingly awesome they blow your mind where you're from, Commander Cullen?”

The sweet sincerity of her question made Cullen snort with a surprised laugh. Joker was beside himself, laughing so hard he nearly fell from his chair.

“Oh EDI…,” Joker sighed adoringly, a grin spread wide on his face as he wiped the tears from his eyes. “You're just...just...*awesome*.”

“Well thank you, Jeff. Like a pimp?”

“Like a pimp,” he agreed. Joker tilted his head up to address Cullen behind him. “So, Commander numero duo, do you guys have a way to fly around where you're from?”

“For most of us? Absolutely not. We walk. *A lot*. And we ride horses when the mood strikes.”

“Horses, huh? *Alien* horses....More weird ass similarities between your home and Earth. Still lame though. Maybe I can retrofit a horse for you with some jet packs or something.”

“We have animals that fly already but thank you for the offer, Joker."

"What kind of animals?" he asked, politely curious now and more intent on his inbound trajectory towards the Citadel.

Cullen shrugged inwardly, guessing he could spend hours trying to explain the strange animals he'd heard of or seen. There were worse things to recount, at least. 

"Well, the Grey Wardens flew on griffons centuries ago. They are part bird and--"

That got Joker's attention. The man spun around abruptly in his pilot's chair, eyes huge. 

"Wait. What?! No way! I know what griffons are! They're story book stuff where we're from. You actually *have* those?"

Cullen's brow furrowed ever so slightly at his reaction. "We used to,” he started slowly, gauging his reaction. “There are rumors they've come back from extinction now, but yes.” He hesitated for a split second, wondering if he really wanted to know what else Joker knew. “And of course, there are the dragons....”

Joker's jaw comically dropped open in shock. Carefully watching his reaction was clearly unnecessary.

“You have *dragons*," he repeated flatly. "Like fire-breathing. Ass kicking. *Dragons*?”

Cullen nodded but felt his throat go dry.

“They breathe numerous things, actually. I've seen electricity...ice...”, he trailed off. “I take it you're familiar with them too?” Cullen hitched a smirk on his lips that he guessed looked as strained as he felt.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and wondered how to fit this new piece of the puzzle. While home was always on his mind when Shepard wasn't, learning there were new questions he couldn't answer made the already knawing ache run deeper. He needed more *answers*, not more questions. Liara had enough to riddle out, but he would have to see her after this conversation, add it to their list. Any little bit of information, whatever it might be, could be the key to getting home.

“Well I haven't exactly had the privilege of *seeing* one,” Joker clarified. “They're mythical, pretend, like griffons.” He laughed quietly to himself and half muttered, “Next you're going to tell me you have zombies and shit."

"What are zombies?"

"The walking *dead*," he joked with a laugh, fully expecting Cullen to shake his head. Cullen widened his eyes and lifted his brows ever so slightly. "No fucking *way*!" Joker threw himself violently back into his pilot's seat like Cullen had punched the air right out of him. "That's unbelievable. How the hell is that possible?"

"Magic?" Cullen shrugged.

"Sure there's *that*, but I mean like dragons and griffons. How the hell do *I* know about the crazy shit on *your* planet?"

Cullen leaned back in his chair and sighed. That was exactly the question, wasn't it. Humans on more than one planet was one thing and now the knowledge of beasts, if not the beasts themselves, known on Earth....

"Honestly, I couldn't tell you. It's something I'll mention to Liara, I suppose."

"This is just fucking mind-blowing. You're like living in the fantasy land we all make up in our heads."

"Well, it's not all rainbows and sunshine, Joker. Believe you me."

"Still...fucking aye...." Dazed, Joker slowly turned back around in his chair.

The Citadel glowed ever brighter ahead of them as they fast approached. “So what about mind control? You guys *have* to have that if you have magic?"

Cullen smiled. Joker wouldn't quit, but at least it was a half serious question. 

“Um...well there are mages who can manipulate minds,” Cullen explained. “It's not common and not particularly pleasant.”

“Unpleasant? Like snarfing milk up your nose *unpleasant*?”

“No, Joker. Not quite. It tends to require highly illegal methods."

"Oooo, how illegal?" he asked playfully, missing Cullen's more somber tone completely.

"It requires a significant amount of blood," Cullen answered quietly. "Sometimes a whole body's worth...."

"Oh... Ooooh." Joker paused and readjusted his playful features to something more respectful. 

It appeared to dawn on him that he wasn't picking the brain of some imaginative author or story teller. This wasn't fairy tales and make believe, and just all-around, all-the-time coolness. This was very much Cullen's reality. "Sorry, dude. Do they have...erm...cops for that kind of thing?"

"Yes. I was one of them, in fact. Once upon a time...."

He let his words drift away as the Citadel loomed closer. Kinloch Hold and Kirkwall's rebellion were more of the same stories he'd hold on to in silence right now. 

He was looking forward to this latest shore leave for a plethora of reasons, to escape memories old and new. Between cultural centers and shooting galleries, sweeping vistas and new people, there would be no want for distractions. Anything would suffice really, especially if Shepard went off to see to her own affairs. 

It had become unrelentingly awkward between them, as much as they both tried to be *warm* and friendly. All of their interactions felt forced and trite now. 

And why wouldn't they be. He'd hopelessly kissed her, after all; had shown he hopelessly *wanted* her, in fact, and a few words didn't just erase that. He'd never been a creature of blind emotion. He'd known discipline most of his life and it was a point of pride for him. But he'd come across very few women who could test him as thoroughly as this one.

And now, while his discipline reminded him of the logic and sensibility of keeping his distance, as she so obliquely pointed out that day, he had a harder time reminding his basic instincts. 

He knew time, and eventually the vastness of space, would take care of much of the awkwardness, but for now there wasn't enough of either to forget the feel of her in his arms.

“I think I'll have to insist I'm on the ground team when we drop you off, so I can see that dragon,” Joker commented, back on the subject as they drew closer. The limbs of the Citadel glittered beautifully and captivated Cullen's attention just as it had the first time. 

“You might be waiting a while. They're not exactly gallivanting across the countryside.”

“Worth a shot." Joker shrugged and winked at Cullen from over his shoulder. He turned back to the console and hit a button. "Normandy on approach,” he announced. “Are we clear to land, D24?”

The unexpected silence that rebounded back caught him off guard. “D24, are we clear to land?”

The silence pressed on, heavy and ominous, and Cullen stood just as Shepard walked into the cockpit to stand beside him. 

“What's going on, Joker?” she asked with no small concern. 

“Beats me. The nice lady who always says I'm clear isn't responding.” He deftly tapped a slew of keys as he spoke. 

“Perhaps...they're all at lunch?” Cullen offered lightly, frowning at Shepard's reproachful glance. 

“Not likely, unless there's cake,” Joker said distractedly. “Thane,” he said into the comm. “Thane, do you read?”

“Thane?” Cullen questioned Shepard quietly. 

“Old squad mate,” she whispered simply as they held their breathe waiting for a response. 

“Thane, do you read?” Joker repeated more urgently. 

“Good to hear your voice, Joker,” came a deep melodious reply over the comm.

“What's going on there, Thane?” Shepard asked, leaning over Joker's shoulder. 

“Cerberus took over parts of the station. They came with an overwhelming force and now control C-Sec to disable security.”

“Shit,” Shepard whispered. “Fucking Cerberus. Get us to C-Sec, Joker. We're coming in, Thane.”

“I'll await you there,” was his reply before comms went silent again. 

Shepard turned to Cullen. “Care to join us, Cullen? Sounds like we'll have one hell of a mess to clean up.” He nodded once before she briskly marched out of the cockpit towards the shuttle bay.

*****

The buzz and activity around the Presidium was out of place. The noise, the conversations, the bodies moving to and fro in her peripherals belonged to a normal world.... 

Shepard sat in a secluded corner, half hidden by the fronds of massive plants and shrubs. The ground between her feet captured her attention now, blank and simple, providing an anchor for her reeling thoughts. 

She had tried to distract herself completely, helping where help was needed with repairs and medic runs. So many people were hurt and frightened, shocked by a distant war that had finally found them. It hadn't been Reapers, thankfully, but their fear was no less. 

She'd been carrying a box of Medigel to the Commons, letting Vega's bulk shield her from curious glances. But when her limbs grew heavier, her motions more mechanical, and her breathe caught in her throat behind a long suppressed sob, she knew she needed to disappear. 

*Guide this one where the traveler never tires...*

It was too much...first Mordin and now...

*...the lover never leaves...*

Tears escaped the corners of her burning eyes and followed the dried paths of those that came before. 

*...the hungry never starve...*

She covered her face with her hands and let the flood release, the silent sobs wracking her body. If this was winning, she wanted nothing more to do with it. It was out to get her and anyone she'd ever loved and cared for. Who would be next? How much more was she expected to take? 

*Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you as she was to me.*

She drew deep shakey breathes, squeezing her eyes in the hopes it would ring out the rest of her tears, while the rationale side of her tried to see that fabled silver lining. 

Thane had already been dying. If it weren't for recent events, he would've died a sick man in his bed, helplessly staring a slow and painful death in the face. But he had chosen another path, one that he was made for. A fighter's death, one for a warrior, a soldier and a friend. It was right. It made sense. It was what he had wanted. 

But seeing the rationale side didn't make anything easier to deal with. It was still riddled with hopeless *what ifs*. What if the incurable Keplars syndrome finally had a cure? What if he could've lived longer than he had expected; seen more, done more, lived more to love more.…

She swatted the tears off her cheeks in annoyance and took a final bracing breathe. Her self imposed isolation would have to wait. Life was milling all around her, and she couldn't be seen like this. She'd already been gone for too long and she couldn't waver. She was the face of Cerberus resistance, and people needed to see her strong. 

She stood slowly, making sure her legs were solid beneath her, when she saw Cullen standing a few cautious steps away. She was the one who had been hiding, but he looked like the one who was caught. He stood rigid, ready to turn tail at her first signal. Like a wary buck, ready to be shot down. 

She supposed she had that coming. She was a new warning for his luckless love life. She inwardly cringed at how he'd calmly recounted his past romantic mishaps, and how she'd shrugged them off so easily. *That sucks* she'd said. Seriously. And now she was a new member of that list. 

But unfailingly and as selflessly as before, he was here when she needed him, and she was glad to have been found. 

He waited a cautious moment before stepping towards her.

“May I join you, Shepard?” he asked quietly. 

“Yeah sure. You happen to be the only one who's caught me.”

“Caught you?” he asked quizzically. She noticed he kept a very respectful distance between them when he sat down. 

“Losing my cool,” she clarified numbly. It was an understatement.

“I'd be worried if you didn't,” he assured her.

“Makes you three for three, though” she realized aloud.

A small line furrowed betwen his eyebrows. “How is that?”

“Finding me. Before Tuchanka-,” she started. 

“Your distress was hard to miss. You took half the bar with you and it was clear you had a lot on your mind.”

“Yeah, well, then when Mordin died....”

“You mean after you tried to blow yourself up and I happened to be by your bedside?”

"Pft, I've blown myself up worse than that before." She tried to make the comment light, like a joke. But seriously? Had she just joked about how she'd once *died*? What was wrong with her?

"So I've heard," he whispered, more to himself than to her. 

She sniffed hard and forced a pained smile to change the subject. “You can't pull one over on me, Cullen. You have a magical ability to find damsels in distress.”

She sensed him move slightly towards her, uncertain and cautious, but she kept her eyes cast down into her lap in case his sympathy caused a fresh torrent.

"One, you're no damsel and we're all glad for it. And two, my *anomalous* talents have nothing to do with finding you," he said quietly. He tilted his head in that searching way to try and make eye contact. The pull of his gaze forced her to lift her eyes to his. Bad idea. Seriously bad idea. The burning in her eyes started almost immediately as she met their amber warmth. 

“You do what I would do, Shepard. You love your squad, everyone whose ever been a part of it,” he continued. “I would hide the same as you, had I lost anyone I cared for. In fact, I think I'm being an ass right now by interrupting your solitude.” He stiffened when he said it to see whether his guess was right.

"No," she said too quickly. "No, not at all. It's okay."

He relaxed again and she leaned in slightly towards him and welcomed the heavy weight of his arm as he wrapped it around her shoulders. It grounded her, made her feel less amorphous in the unreal reality of the Commons. 

She should've talked to him after that day, like the adults they were. He deserved to know why she'd welcomed his advances at first, only to cool off fifteen minutes later. But she hardly knew why herself. Something had snapped in her, like she had been lazily daydreaming about him for too long and suddenly needed to get back to reality. Besides, if she always flew by the seat of her pants, the galaxy would be in a whole hell of a lot of trouble. 

But as they sat there on the hard bench in the noisy Commons, his comforting embrace reminded her of the other half of that equation. If she hadn't followed her heart on some of those occassions, a lot of people would be dead now too. 

So had her head won over her heart? Had everyone else's head confused her own? 

She let herself sink against him, against his kindness, his comfort, his light side and his hidden dark side. The side that told her stories of his faith, and the side that dreaded nightmares same as her. The side that railed and raged that he'd abandoned his men to the darkness he'd left back home, and the side that fought beside her friends in a war that wasn't his....

Everything felt right about him, when all was said and done....

So explaining why she'd pushed him away wouldn't have been an easy conversation at all....

He let her press against him and they sat in silence for a long comfortable moment. "I've been hearing tell of him. He sounds like a good man," Cullen said quietly into the top of her head. 

"The best," she whispered, closing her eyes.

“Was he at the Collector base?”

Shepard nodded and swallowed hard. “I made sure he survived that place....”

“And you feel it's your fault he didn't survive this?” he asked. It was more of a statement than a question. 

“I don't know. In a way, I feel like I could've stopped it.”

“Garrus mentioned something about him already being sick-”

“So?” she snapped quickly, looking up narrowly at him. “That doesn't make it okay. Doesn't make it easier.”

“That's not what I was implying, Shepard,” he replied calmly, and she quickly felt guilty for snapping. Hadn't she just been thinking the same thing? “Most people want to *live* on their own terms. Just because we don't talk about it, doesn't mean we all don't want to die on our own terms as well.”

“Like Mordin,” she replied flatly.

He nodded. “Like Thane.” He pushed the loose strands of her hair still plastered to her cheek back behind her ear.

“What you just said...I've heard tell of it...,” he said with hesitation. "You '*blew* yourself up' before?" She couldn't fault him for quoting her, but she had been hoping he wouldn't ask. 

“Yeah, and definitely *not* on my terms,” she muttered bitterly. “Dying or the coming back.” A new realization suddenly dawned on her and she felt hot blood rush to her cheeks. “And shit, Cerberus can bring me back from the dead after two years, but they can't find the drell cure for humidity?”

“It's Cerberus, Shepard. They only do what's in humanity's best interest.”

Shepard immediately deflated with a heaved sigh. “Shit, yeah...don't we know it...." Her eyes roved the disarray of the surrounding Commons that illustrated his point. "Assholes.”

Shepard leaned her head against his arm again, and they sat in silence. The sounds of normalcy around them felt less surreal than before. Maybe doing something normal like sitting here with Cullen meant that she could be normal one day. Stop being a beacon of hope, and just...be. 

Hiding in a corner in self imposed isolation was one thing. It was the isolation that came with the job that slowly ate away at her. The part of her that was always ready for a fight, to win a hero's battle and wear the hero's mantle. But for the first time since all of this started, even that felt lighter with him beside her. 

"You would've liked him, I think," she said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"He found strength in his faith.”

“Don't we all?” he asked innocently.

Shepard laughed dryly. “This may come as a surprise, but we're not all religious out here.”

Cullen smiled, and Shepard found herself unwittingly drawing closer to him. 

“I wasn't speaking of religion, Shepard. Everyone you know has faith in something. Or someone. Garrus has faith in his people's military. Mordin had faith in science. Tali has faith in her environmental suit, among many other things, I'm sure. Perhaps straws too....”

“That's not what I--.”

“Joker, ” Cullen forged on kindly but poignantly, “has faith in his ability to steer us from harm. He has faith in the Normandy. And EDI....”

“Cullen--.” 

“You. You have faith in your crew. They have faith in you.”

“I get it. Okay. It was a stupid thing to say,” she muttered as she flushed red. 

“Not stupid.” He took her hand in his and laced their fingers together. “I should be saying thank you. *Thank* you for drawing a parallel between me and a man I know you greatly admire....”

Shepard smiled sadly and recalled what Chakwas had once said. “Your being here...has it shaken your faith...your *religious* faith, I mean?”

Cullen arched an eyebrow at her and studied her curiously. He didn't have to consider it for long, maybe because he'd already figured it out after countless sleepless nights. Maybe he's lost faith and gained it back every night since they'd lifted him from the burning earth. But his expression was resolute, like doubting had never even crossed his mind. 

“Absolutely not.” He used his eyes to gesture all around them. “All this just means the Maker has larger designs than we know of. He's made mysteries known to us, like the Fade and the Golden City. Of course there would be ones I don't know of. Why do you ask?” 

It was such a simple and matter of fact response, one he was so sure of. Like his faith was as real to him as the air he breathed. She may as well have asked him if he doubted the existence of the heart beating in his chest. And it lightened her own heart ever so slightly from her grief. 

“But what will you do with all this information when you go home? Will you tell people what's out here?”

He laughed good naturedly and shook his head. “And risk sounding like a mad man? Not likely. I have a friend who will love this tale though. He'll weave it into a fantastic fiction with terrible names and awful one-liners that the world will gobble up.”

A dark cloud passed across Cullen's eyes as he said it, and Shepard held her breath. “If Varric is alright, of course, and there's still a world to tell the story to.…”

“Oh, Cullen,” Shepard whispered, squeezing his hand in return as he closed his eyes. “I'm so sorry we haven't found a way yet.”

“I know Liara is doing all she can. But not knowing *anything*...it's almost worse than not being there.”

“I know.” She let a moment's reverent silence pass between them as she gave him a moment. His eyes were still closed when she placed gentle fingertips on his cheek. 

He opened his amber eyes and looked directly at her, expectantly. “Look, Cullen, I'm going to make you a promise. When we find a way to get you home, I'll do everything I can to help you.”

“Shepard, you can't promise that. You have your own war to win. I can't expect you to-.”

“I'll do *everything* I can. If that means fighting demons beside you, or just helping you find your friends, please....” Her eyes pleaded with him until he finally relented with a small nod. “Thank you. It's the least I can do.”

“It's more than I ever would've asked of you, Shepard.”

“I know. That's why I offered. You've done so much for me and the team already.”

“May I remind you, you gave me little choice,” he said with a smirk.

“Oh please, I saw the fighter in you. You would've been miserable twiddling your thumbs this whole time.”

“I twiddle fairly well, thank you,” he joked with mock defensiveness.

Shepard laughed and was shocked she still knew how. “I *bet* you do,” she teased with a cocked brow. 

She immediately regretted the way she said it, heavily implying oh so much more. The innuendo gave way to an awkward silence that they sat stiffly through for a moment.

“I should let you get on,” he said quietly as he made to stand.

“Cullen, stop,” she blurted, before she even knew what she planned to say.

He sat back down and waited. “What happened that night, when we got Garrus and Tali together and -.”

“You don't need to explain anything, Shepard,” he interrupted with a pained expression. “What's done is done.”

“No, that's not how I want it to be between us,” she said stubbornly.

He stiffened defensively. “And how would you like it to be *today*, Shepard?” he retorted sharply. His emphasis stung so hard she flinched. The hard lines in his face immediately softened. “I'm sorry. That wasn't fair. I-”

“I deserve it. I've sent you so many mixed signals, and didn't respect your thoughts on this whole thing, and I listened to too many people and-”

He interrupted but she could've kept going with all the ways she mishandled their relationship so far.

“Shepard. Let me ask again, more fairly. How *would* you like it to be?”

She didn't immediately have words as he looked into her eyes. She hadn't even asked herself that question, and now there it was. Point blank. But if she didn't think too hard....

“I'd like to start over,” she whispered.

He furrowed his brow in confusion. “Start over? Like *over* over? Like right from the beginning?”

She smiled nervously and nodded. “What do you say?”

“Absolutely not.”

The pit of her stomach landed at her feet and she frowned at his stoic expression. “What?”

His expression melted in a hair's breadth. “I want to start right *here*.” He used both of his hands to surround hers and kissed the back of her hand. She felt a stupid lopsided smile spread where not long ago tears had blazed down. “We know each other now, in whatever twisted strange paths we had to take to get here. I wouldn't want to backtrack from that.”

“Good point. But whatever happens...,” She would just have to blurt this out and screw other people guessing at their feelings. Dr. Chakwas and Liara were officially out of her head. “Are you okay with this...whatever this is or becomes or *whatever*...being temporary?”

“And what *is* this, Shepard?” he asked gently, squeezing her hand. 

“Whatever we want it to be, I guess.” She shrugged. “But we always part ways in the end. No matter which way things go.” 

There was no way to sugar coat it. Liara found an in, and he was out. But saying it out loud gave their relationship a finality before it had even begun. Her breathe caught in her throat at the thought of it. 

“You can't know where it'll go, Sarah,” he said quietly, and to her surprise he bent his forehead to rest against her's. Her heart skipped a beat, sure he would kiss her again. But no. She got the strong sense that their next kiss would her move. Instead, they kept their eyes closed and stayed peacefully in a shared moment that lifted her spirits. It was, without a doubt, the most intimate moment they had shared yet, more so than any kiss. “But if you'd like, we can find out together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cheers! Thanks for reading! I promise my next chapter will be posted sooner :)


	13. Act I - Chapter 13: Voids

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump._

Cullen could no longer find the distinction between the pounding music of the club and his own heartbeat. He was one with the music, willingly or not, and it steadily threatened to start a pounding headache to the same beat.

Shepard had shooed him away unceremoniously after their brief but exhilarating meeting. She had beamed at him when he had walked away and the warmth of her smile still rested on his skin like sunshine. Sunshine and promises of a new beginning.

After a few days of endless toiling to help repair the damage Cerberus had caused, Vega had been eager to decompress and only too happy to include Cullen in the revelries with the rest of the Normandy crew.

Lazing about with books or honing his skills on the training grounds were his usual remedies for stress, but he supposed there was an appeal to getting blindingly drunk and tone deaf. He was pretty sure he'd shouted himself hoarse already, but from a quick glance around the dizzying dance floor, talking wasn't an end game here.

Drunk hands slid across drunk backsides, groins ground and slid against each other to the music, and one couple was pressed against the wall doing Cullen could only guess what.

After a few hands of poker and numerous shots of drinks unknown, Cullen decided to lay low while Vega took his evening to a new level. Sitting at the bar, he laughed as the mountain of a man gracefully pulled some smooth moves on a small group of women and managed to guide one away from her flock.

“He's a powerhouse, huh,” came a sarcastic voice beside him, and he was startled to see Jack, the woman from the academy, leaning back on her elbows against the bar. Her light skin contrasted sharply with the dark tattoos and makeup she wore, so her face nearly looked skeletal in the flashing lights. “Wouldn't have minded him on our squad when I was there.”

“Good to see you again, Jack,” he replied, extending his hand in polite greeting.

Jack smirked down at it and informally punched him lightly on the shoulder. “Yeah, yeah, you saved Shepard's life. You're already more than a stranger, guy.”

“Cullen.”

She shrugged, dismissing the formality of names too, apparently. “Yeah sure. So what brings you here, pretty boy? On the prowl for alien ass?”

Cullen ungracefully sputtered out the latest sip of his drink. “Pardon me?”

“Why else would you be here? The drinks are watered down and the music sucks.”

Cullen grinned. “Is that what this unbearable beat is called?” He couldn't help but gaze down at his drink and wonder just how much wasn't alcohol. “If you hate it so much, why are you here?”

“I had a meeting with someone and the bitch never leaves this sex pool,” she said cryptically and left it at that.

“Cess pool?” Cullen ventured to correct her.

“Nope,” she reaffirmed and threw back the rest of her drink.

“Well, really, I'm only tagging along,” Cullen answered her question, vaguely gesturing towards Vega.

“Looks like he's about to cut the cord there, baby,” Jack pointed out, and Cullen did have to admit the girl was ebbing her way into Vega's arms with none too subtle drunken grace.

She nudged him with her elbow and tilted her head in the general direction of the door. “What do you say we blow this place and go shoot shit? There's a new arcade on Zakera ward I've been itchin' to try out. I miss pulling the trigger on assholes, but fake ones will do.”

Cullen immediately moved to stand, anxious to put the club and it's throbbing energy behind him, but he hesitated for a moment as he glanced at Vega again. Jack read his mind through the simple gesture.

“I think he's past his need for a wing man, pretty boy. Don't you worry. Besides, --oh what the _fuck_.” Jack's eyes met a spot past Cullen's left shoulder and her frown became something fearsome to behold.

“Jack, wasn't it?” a man suddenly said at Cullen's side, startling him. The music and lights of this place were so entirely all consuming that Cullen couldn't even tell when someone snuck up next to him. Appallingly dangerous, really.

“ _Dick squad_ , the pleasure is all _yours_ ,” she jeered with a humorless sneer. Cullen was taken aback by her sudden hostility, but wasn't left curious for long.

“Alenko. Kaiden Alenko, but _close_ ,” the man retorted flatly. He met Cullen's eyes with a narrowed piercing stare. “And you must be the new guy,” Kaiden said by way of introduction. There was nothing kind or cruel about it, just a blank statement of fact.

“Indeed. Cullen.” Kind nor cruel, Cullen wasn't inclined to extend a hand in greeting to this man. There was something hostile about the man, perhaps barely perceptible to anyone else but clear to him. Or Cullen was simply annoyed he'd been startled by someone so close to his flank. “Though I'm afraid I'm unaware of what reputation apparently precedes _you_ ,” he added curiously, a poignant brow directed at Jack who continued to glare menacingly.

“Oh, you can't be an arrogant piece of shit for too long before someone notices,” Jack stated flatly. “This _particular_ brand of shit decided to _assume_ Shepard went rogue with Cerberus. We're short on allies and up to our tits in Reapers and he decides to think she's in bed with the Illusive Man." Her jaw was clenched tight and she spat out each work through her teeth. "He _didn't_ have her back, _didn't_ give a shit, and _somehow_ managed to weasel his way back onto the crew. Fuck. That. Shit.”

Jack had her fists clenched and Cullen hated to think what the powerful biotic could unleash in such a cramped space. She had been ferocious at the academy and Cullen could only guess what this Kaiden would do in response.

“Ah, I see,” Cullen interrupted before Kaiden could retort. “Shepard said Cerberus brought her back.”

“They did,” Kaiden said through quiet fury. “And after two years of nothing, no contact, no information, fucking zilch, I _did_ assume the worst,” he said through clenched teeth. "But that's none of your damn business, is it?" he seethed at Jack.

“No, being dead isn't the worst. Treating someone like they _are_ dead when they're standing right fucking in front of you--!” Jack had started yelling and was bearing down on Kaiden before Cullen knew what was happening.

“You're one to talk," Kaiden interrupted, standing his ground at her approach. "You think putting some clothes on and dealing with a bunch of teenagers proves you're loyal to anyone but yourself?” Kaiden bared his teeth back at her and Cullen felt the energy of a dangerous fight about to ensue. “You're a criminal, _Jack_. We know where your loyalties _lie_.”

"To Shepard. _Always_. You fucking piece of shit." Her fingers were now alive with crackling energy that raced between her fingers.

Kaiden's own fist was forming some kind of energy field and Cullen inwardly groaned that two biotics should be so like a live wire in so crowded a place.

"You have _no idea_ \--!" Kaiden started, but Cullen immediately wedged himself between the two strained bodies, hoping to keep his limbs during this encounter.

“That's enough!" he shouted at them both. "Shepard has decided to trust the _both_ of you! You'll learn to deal with each other if you respect that. If you respect _her_. So back _down_.”

Nothing. Nobody moved and Jack and Kaiden continued to flex their fingers for the fight they so badly wanted.

“ _Now._ ”

Another tense moment passed before Jack finally straightened up. “Fuck this shit,” Jack muttered, the first to turn away. “I got better shit to do than talk to scumbags. See ya later, pretty boy.”

Cullen watched Jack head towards the door but turned towards Kaiden when he still felt the searing heat of hostility at his back.

“So, what, ' _pretty boy_ '?” Kaiden asked coolly. “You fly around on her ship, shoot a gun, and suddenly you assume you _know_ Shepard like I do? That you _respect_ her as much as any of us do? Garrus, Liara, _me_. We've been with her from the _beginning_ , when all this shit went down.”

“That's not what I just heard,” Cullen pointed out, and immediately regretted fanning the flame Jack had started when Kaiden's face reddened.

“Fuck what you heard. You don't know what I went through thinking she was dead,” he retorted sharply.

“I know when I meet someone I can trust and respect, _Mr. Alenko_ , and it doesn't have to take _years_ to figure it out.”

“No, you think you can be here for a few months and have all the answers. She found a _stand-in_ while I was gone, but I'm here to tell _you_ ,” Kaiden poked him hard in the shoulder for emphasis, “I am _back_ , and I know what you're after.”

“Spoken like a true ex boyfriend,” Cullen joked sarcastically, backing up and sipping his drink again. He needed to give his hands something to do, to prevent punching this man, which would achieve next to nothing.

“You're _damn_ right,” Kaiden hissed with a glower. Cullen groaned inwardly. He'd been kidding, of course. One ex boyfriend had been quite enough, thank you. “And you'll be gone in a few weeks and I'll still be here, by her side, where she needs me. So you can run back home to your petty little problems while _we_ save the galaxy.”

“You seem to be rather well informed for a man I've never met,” Cullen pointed out, doing his utmost to keep his patience. “But if you knew me, you'd know I don't sit idly by.”

“Oh, you will. You will when it comes to her.”

“What do you even think you know?” Cullen muttered quietly, glaring at this man that presumed so much. His love life was very much his own, and whatever gossip or whispers were going around, it was one thing when they spread among his friends. Another when they spread to hostile squad mates who were looking for a reckoning.

“How I know is none of your business. But what you do with Shepard? I'm _making_ it my business.”

Cullen cocked an eyebrow and was baffled at the man's audacity. “I'm afraid that's not going to happen.” Cullen had come too far in his relationship with her. Too much good, bad and crazy had happened to let a stranger try to intimidate him now. "And I'm sure Shepard would be _more_ than displeased to hear of your meddling and intimidation tactics."

"Nice, so you'll rat me out?" Kaiden jeered, but his eyes shifted ever so anxiously.

"It's her life as much as mine that you're threatening to get involved in. You claim to respect her? Then respect _that_."

It was all Cullen had left to say on the matter. He turned his shoulder and side more fully towards him, clearly showing his part in the conversation was over. He felt more than saw Kaiden stand up from his stool, and patiently sipped the watered down drink again, waiting for him to leave.

“Oh, I think you'll be the one to fuck up, man," Kaiden said, leaning towards him once more. "And when you do, _I'll_ be there.”

* * *

Duty called in the deepness of space, and once again the Normandy and her crew were thrown into the war.

The loss of now two of her friends, even amidst their victories, had motivated Shepard with a fervor. As their luck would have it, they came across her old squad mates rather frequently, and each time, her intervention got them out of harm's way.

Saving a man along with a colony of scientists and an asari at an isolated monastery wouldn't bring back Mordin and Thane, but she would be damned if any more of her companions, past and present, met their end under her watch.

Cullen for his part, followed her on every mission, no matter how desolate and impossible. He became the sounding board for her anxieties, fears, and those wrenching moments of hopelessness she couldn't express to anyone else.

“The Reapers have been doing this for millennia,” she said quietly one day as they sat in his lounge-bedroom.

It was probably best they usually met here, where the bed was an afterthought rather than a focus, as their relationship took it's first steps. She would snuggle against his chest with or without a drink in hand most evenings and he would wrap his arms around her. He never held her with the urgency that had escaped him those few weeks ago, for fear she would back off again, despite her assurances to the contrary.

He was careful and mindful and relished every second he could have his hands on her. His fingers would glide along her lean, smooth muscles, partially dazed that he was even here, capturing a moment of peace in so much chaos.

Every move they made was cautious, every kiss starting slow and wary, as if Liara would come charging in at any second saying today would be his last aboard this ship. But when Liara didn't appear, and they forgot to worry, their kisses would deepen, his heart would race, and he would forget that he should've been yearning for a home that was waiting for him.

“Civilizations rise and fall and it's a blip to them," she continued, watching the light dance in the amber liquid as she twisted the tumbler to and fro in her fingers. "No, it's worse than that. The _evolution_ of a _species_ starts and ends and it's a blip for them. Who are _we_? Who am _I_ to stop them?”

This was the kind of question she couldn't pose to anyone else. Everyone had a planet or people's at risk under the Reapers. They were all counting on Shepard's unflagging assurances that they would win the day, no matter how grim. She couldn't let them see that she doubted all the time.

For all of Cullen's empathy towards their war, he and his planet were luckily detached from this particular crisis, and so he could hear these candid confessions with less fear. He wondered, though, if her wavering confidence would worry him even if he _did_ have a dog in this fight. If a leader didn't fear failure, if they imagined themselves invincible, that was when the wrong decisions were inevitably made. Experience had taught him that.

Cullen pondered her question as he brushed idle fingers through the strands of her silky hair. He wished a simple kiss would reassure her, but the question haunted him just as much, for other reasons.

When a thing has always been how it is, when no alternative has ever been experienced for generations, what forces change?

The Tevinter Imperium has always had slaves. Qunari have only ever known the Qun. There's always been a king or queen in Ferelden, elves have always been lower class, and mages always feared.

And there had always been a Veil. Until there wasn't.

“It just takes one person,” he said quietly. “One person to rebel, to speak up, or even just beg a question. Every beaten path needs someone to start it.”

“And I'm it,” she replied flatly, without emotion. “Beating a path and being beaten up while I do it?”

He tilted her face up to his, and admired the subtle way the light glittered in her eyes.

“They'll remember you. Millenia from now they'll talk about a Shepard that lead them though the dark,” he said with a small smile. “You'll become a legend, dauntless and unbeatable. They'll forget that you were only mortal, that you could've been afraid.”

“Jeez, no pressure, huh, Cullen?” she murmured sarcastically. She tried to pull her face away but he held on to her chin gently, his callused thumb passing over her lips.

“Hah, let me finish, will you? What I'm saying is that's what time does. Generations of storytelling and faded memories make things larger than life. And it can be for better, or for worse. The Reapers are undefeatable because they always have been, not because they truly are.”

He kissed her softly, his lips gently grazing her's. They were soft and warm, and chased a shiver down his spine. “Don't fall for it, Shepard,” he whispered. “Trust me. You couldn't have met a person more sure that nothing is ever as it seems.”

Her mannerism shifted and she seemed comforted, pulling away to smile broadly at him before throwing herself into an unabashedly passionate kiss that took his breathe away. Her strong arms wrapped around his neck and her warm body pressed firmly against his.

It was those moments he held onto when he watched her fearlessly charge into every battle. Far from home, they went to places he could never have dreamed of and took her to places where he couldn't even follow.

He had been fraught with terror, well hidden as it may have been, when she had disappeared into the Geth consensus. He could hardly conceive what it was in terms of Geth consciousness, but he tried his best to equate it to a mage's Harrowing. He'd seen enough of those and knew that _most_ mages made their way out. He blocked the fact that some mages didn't, and the more obvious fact that the Consensus was probably nothing like the Fade. But standing by helplessly was familiar, and he wondered, as he watched her still form in the hulking machine; if he was wretched without her now, how would he feel later?

“You were right,” she'd told him on their way to Rannoch. “Reality can be so different than the story we tell ourselves. We can't even get our villains right.”

This revelation, that the Geth had been victims at the hands of their makers, not the aggressors, brought a fury of resolve to Shepard's actions. She had found the truth, found the answers, and would find the solution for peace.

* * *

Some people didn't understand, couldn't understand. He hadn't been flesh and blood, but he'd been no less a friend.

She still wasn't sure how to mourn though. He was far from lost or gone. He was everywhere. He _was_ Legion. And Tali's pure joy and exhilaration at regaining her home conflicted with the sorrow of their fresh losses.

A planet. She had helped a species get back their _planet_ after three hundred years. The magnitude was like curing the genophage, and doing exactly as Cullen had said; changing things that hadn't been changed for generations. She _was_ making it happen.

Every success urged her to push onward, the momentum consuming her. They were getting closer, she could _feel_ it, but how much closer none of them really knew. Maybe, just _maybe_ they could finish this thing and they could all go home. And maybe she and Cullen could be joined by a crew that was truly free and clear to help them.

When she had told them all of her promise to him, most of the crew had been more than happy to help. While the venture wouldn't add essential resources they needed to win the war, there was no doubt that he had given everything he had to help them. And an unknown planet could bear unknown fruit, if they were lucky.

And for selfish reasons that she kept to herself, she looked forward to spending more time with him. He was a calming force in her life, among other more pleasurable things, and it worried her to imagine that void when he was gone. It worried her more than she realized, especially in the lush breathlessness of their passion when she was moments from throwing away all reservations and climbing into bed with him.

The truth was, the more spaces he filled in her life, the more hollow emptiness he would leave behind. While she had no plans of backing out, the fear of losing obviously being the last reason _she_ , Shepard, wouldn't fight for something, Liara had been right about one thing.... She was falling...and falling _hard_.

A knock came at her door and she looked up, hoping to see the man racing through her idle thoughts.

“Hey Shep,” Kaiden said quietly. “Hope I'm not intruding.”

Shepard tucked away her mild disappointment and smiled warmly. “You? Never. Come on in.”

He took a step in but didn't stray far from the door or the desk where she sat.

“I just wanted to say great work out there. It's incredible what you did for the quarians.”

“We're all about saving entire species this year, huh?” she joked, leaning precariously back in her chair and stretching long and lean like a cat. Muscles screamed and sighed simultaneously and she wondered just how good Cullen really was with his hands.

“All for it, as long as we save our own,” he added bluntly. He was more than mildly hinting at something else on his mind.

“I don't plan on being an endangered species, Kaiden,” she pointed out, and looked at him curiously. “But you're thinking about something else, aren't you.”

Kaiden shuffled awkwardly and hesitated for a beat. “Liara wants to see you.”

“Oh. Kay,” she said slowly, eyeing him very carefully now. “She could just call me....”

“I don't think we should go to Cullen's planet,” he blurted. “Past just depositing him where we can.” He stood straighter and stuck his chin out stubbornly, ready to be challenged. Shepard obliged.

She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. “Is that your opinion then?”

She'd known something like this was coming. Kaiden hadn't liked Cullen from the moment he'd stepped back onto the ship. Male competitiveness, territory encroachment, plain old brute instincts? She didn't know and she didn't care. It was childish and stupid, watching Kaiden send stink eyes to a perfectly passive man, but she hadn't expected him to come to her so directly about it.

“It _is_ my opinion, and I'd like you to hear me out. Whatever is going on on his planet must be weird. The fact that he _exists_ is weird.”

“And what we're facing now is...,” she tapped her lip in mock thoughtfulness, “ _normal?_ ”

“No, it's not normal, but--,”

“Ooh, what about Javik? Totally normal a flippin' _Prothean_ is on board. And dealing with a species who wants to _harvest_ us? Just another day in paradise, right?”

“Obviously not, but you _know_ that's not what I mean.”

“Then? What _do_ you mean?”

Kaiden took a deep breathe and gave his reasoning his best shot. “We've got more than we can handle right now, Shep. With the time we're given, we should be gaining assets, helping members of this _crew_ \--.”

“Cullen _is_ a member of this crew, officially or not.”

“But _his_ is an uncharted, unknown planet. If we go down there, we could be facing things we can't even imagine.”

“I don't know, Kaiden, I've seen some crazy shit. I can imagine a lot. And I'm guessing he and his people have charted at least a _part_ of it.”

"Yeah, well it hasn't been charted by _us_ ," he pointed out, crossing his arms now in front of his chest. She really wasn't sure where he was going with this.

Shepard waved him away. "Stop acting like we're so superior. Did you forget we used feet and boats to chart Earth way before any of this shit?"

“My point is that, without _really_ knowing anything, we could be going in totally unprepared. We don't know their technology or what the hell their _magic_ is. What if it makes our guns useless? What if that Veil thing makes my biotics useless? We'd be defenseless.”

“I highly doubt the laws of physics--,”

“I'm _saying_ ,” he interrupted, “we could _die_. And then where does that leave everyone else? _Our_ home?”

She was quiet for a moment, feeling her patience ebb away. She closed her eyes and heaved a sigh, letting the silence hang between them.

“I'd appreciate it if you didn't interrupt me, Kaiden."

Kaiden stood straighter and blood rushed to his cheeks. "I'm sorry, Commander. I just...." His voice faltered and faded and he looked down at the floor somewhere between them.

Shepard stood up from her chair. "You just what?"

"I just....feel strongly about your safety. Now that I'm back, I feel it's my duty to express my concerns."

"Your concerns have been duly noted," she said coolly. "Kaiden, we go places where we could die at any moment. This is no different,” Shepard pointed out.

“We _know_ what we get into, Shepard,” he insisted, but more quietly this time.

She took a step towards him and waited until he glanced up to meet her stern gaze.

“No we really _don't_. Not all the time. You don't _know_ all the places we've been, the shit we've seen where we _didn't_ know what we were getting into.”

She almost said “ _You_ weren't there,” but that would be dredging up old wounds that she had claimed had healed. Instead she inhaled deeply and set her jaw. “I made a promise, Kaiden. That man has been fighting beside us since he got here. We owe him our help.”

Kaiden's own clenched jaw tightened and twitched, but ultimately loosened as he backed down.

“Aye, Commander,” he conceded, stepping back towards the door. “Fighting beside _you_ more than _us_ , I think, but whatever.”

Before Shepard could retort, he was back out the door.

* * *

Cullen was already in Liara's rooms when she got there. He was seated at a table, in thrall to a vid in front of him.

“He's reviewing satellite images from home,” Liara said quietly in welcome. “We found an opening.”

“You did?” Shepard asked, mildly shocked. She knew this was coming, but she was hoping to be a little more prepared. “How?”

“Cullen, do you mind?” Liara asked.

Cullen looked up in a daze, and at first they weren't sure he'd heard. He looked like he'd seen a ghost, his jaw slack and his eyes wide, but he slowly shook his head in reply.

With a quick swiping gesture, Cullen's little vid screen was now up on the panel of monitors that covered her interior wall.

If it weren't for the unfamiliar landmasses, Cullen's planet didn't look unlike earth. Sweeping deserts and glittering blue oceans, littered by and large with the lighter green of plains and the darker green of forests. Their low orbit and powerful lense showed striking details, right down to large lakes and mountain ranges capped in brilliant snow.

“That's Lake Calenhad,” Cullen said quietly as he stood up from the table. His voice was flat and unbelieving, and she felt sure he was in shock at finally see all of this again. It was one thing to dream of home when it's not staring back at you. It was almost possible to believe everything was okay there, remembered from happier times. Until you saw it again with your own eyes. She knew the feeling well and Shepard squeezed his hand gently at the dawning realization in his voice.

She looked at where he had gestured and leaned her head against his arm, seeing the screen from a new angle. “Huh...it kinda looks like a bunny,” she said lightly.

He squeezed her hand tightly and she glimpsed the smallest curve of his scarred lip in the harsh light of the screens.

“That it does,” he agreed. “But Liara, this is not what you were just showing me.”

Liara nodded, glancing at Shepard warily. “You're right,” she admitted. “This is just terrain. I've filtered out clouds and other atmospheric elements.”

“Atmospheric elements,” Shepard repeated, knowing full well what it meant.

“The Veil...,” Cullen whispered.

With a few gestures on her personal screen, the images in front of them abruptly changed. It took his breathe away even though he had been looking at it moments earlier, and Shepard could understand why.

The world was thrown into chaos. Hundreds of miniature hurricanes and vortexes hovered across nearly every open space on the map. Dark clouds gathered around each one, pulling who knows what into their centers. But it was the odd lights that struck Shepard the most. They could've been mistaken for flashes of lightening, excepting for the ethereal green hue they took on. And there was something else.... They were flashing in a familiar way, like a network, all unnaturally coordinated. Or rather far _too_ naturally coordinated, not unlike the synapses in the brain....

“Andraste, help them,” Cullen whispered, the hand clenched in Shepard's becoming cold and clammy. "Can we see any closer? The people, cities?"

Liara shook her head. “No, I'm sorry. It's as bad as it looks, Cullen,” she said gently. There was no other way to put it. “I'm sorry.”

“But you said you found a way down?”

Liara took a deep breathe and nodded.

“We found one location that's been stable since the beginning. It's a relatively small area, so it was really hard for us to find.”

“Where?” he demanded impatiently, his eyes roving over the screen as if he could find it before she answered. To Shepard's eyes, every inch, from shore to shore, was chaos.

“Here.” Liara manipulated the screens again and the camera shifted towards a massive white spine of mountains that nearly split the continent in half.

Cullen held his breathe beside her. "The Frostbacks?" he asked rhetorically, not expecting an answer.

"It's in the mountain range," Liara confirmed. "But a very small piece of it. Not even a square mile."

“Could it be Skyhold?” Cullen whispered, and Shepard felt a chill run down her spine.

Where they had just once been stories he told her, it was far more real now, as Shepard stared at the screen. She willed herself to see the shape of the great fortress Cullen always talked about. It was where he'd become a commander of an army; where he had been shaped and molded into the man she knew and cared for today.

“You know it?” Liara asked to gently prod him.

“Aye, I know it. I should have guessed.”

“Why is that?” Shepard asked, squeezing his hand and recalling him back into the room they were in. His distant gaze came sharply back into focus as he looked down at her.

“ _The place where the sky was held back,_ ” he quoted. “Solas told Lavellan, and she in turn told her advisors.” He sighed and closed his eyes, the glow of the screen casting his features into a solemn mask of remembered moments. “A bit of historical trivia, really. It meant little to any of us at the time.”

“So it's done this before?” Shepard said in surprise. “This has all happened before if it was named like that.” There was hope in it then. If his world had survived this chaos once already, it could do so again. But he didn't seem as heartened.

“My knowledge is about to reach the limits of yours, Shepard,” he said quietly, drawing her to him. “When can we land, Liara?”

Shepard knew that answer, but Liara's expression confirmed it.

“We barely made it out when we were there the last time,” Liara pointed out. “We need to properly equip the Normandy and the shuttle. Shields, weapons, comms--.”

“How long?” he asked flatly, staring at the spot where Skyhold surely was. He was taking news of their delay surprisingly well, seeing as how long he'd waited for this moment.

“Let's get back to the Citadel and tell them how long,” Shepard urged. “Liara, how long will the area be stable?”

Liara shook her head with uncertainty but said, “It's been like this without change for months. I'm thinking it'll last a few more days.”

“Cullen, we need your help preparing for this fight,” Shepard insisted. “Do you think Solas is there? What do you think we'll come up against? Can _anyone_ help us?”

It was a lot of questions to throw at him, but it was Liara's eyes that brightened.

“Hey, those frequencies we heard weeks ago, Cullen. I've been able to enhance them so we can hear it.”

“What frequencies?” he asked blankly, his thoughts half remembering a conversation light years ago.

“Massive life forms, remember?”

Cullen's eyes lit up and he whirled to face her. “You've enhanced it? We can hear it?”

“Yes, but do you think they could help us?”

He blinked slowly, seemingly stunned at the answer and question.

“ _Absolutely_ not. I told you that already.”

“What are they?” Shepard asked curiously.

“I've told you about the Blights and the Wardens,” he said, turning to her, and Shepard remembered the stories well. “There have been five, and it usually starts when the darkspawn find the-”.

“The Archdemon?” she interrupted. “They aren't supposed to be _massive_ though. They're dragons, right?”

“Just dragons?” Liara asked. “Cullen seemed to think they were something else. Maybe holding megaphones?” she teased lightly.

Both women turned to him with quizzical expressions, and he shrugged helplessly. Shepard could only imagine how challenging it might be to untangle the web of history. It would be like trying to explain human history in one sentence.

“I said they could be what we called the old gods, yes. But from who knows where and when. We have no idea where they come from, but they're corrupted when the darkspawn reach them and somehow turn _into_ dragons. At least that's what most of us believe.”

“Well, I couldn't get a location, but do you want to hear it?” Liara asked again.

Cullen nodded slowly, and Shepard was sure she sensed his imminent dread at the prospect. She didn't know what to expect.

A few taps of her keyboard and a new sound filled the small quarters with immense power. It was absolutely beautiful. A combination of vocal harmonies twisted and turned in their ears, like hundreds of voices reaching up to the heavens in love and devotion. The sound danced against their ears like nothing she'd ever heard before, more serene than any choir, forlorn and joyous at once, lonely and grande, terrible in its beauty.

The music entered the core of her being, her bones, her muscles, the tips of her fingers. There were no words that she could understand, but she felt their intention all the same. It was singing to her of something lost and forgotten, and would she only come to set them free....

“The Calling,” Cullen whispered. Liara switched off the music and the emptiness that followed swallowed Shepard's heart, drawing a gasp of astonishment from her lungs.

“That was amazing,” Shepard whispered reverently.

"I've never heard it before, but Grey Wardens have always described it as incomprehensibly beautiful," Cullen said quietly. "We believe it's what the old gods sing to lure darkspawn to them, to release them from their prisons.”

"So these Grey Wardens hear the song too?" Liara asked.

"Yes, when it's their... _time_ to go. They follow the Deep Roads and fight darkspawn until they fight their last."

“So they must always be singing it,” Liara concluded. “If Wardens can hear it at any time, it doesn't mean something bad, like a Blight, is imminent.”

"That's true," Cullen said quietly. "Perhaps that you heard their frequencies only meant that you were in the right place, but timing was irrelevant." He seemed to relax a little, less worried than before that his planet emitted astoundingly beautiful music. It still blew Shepard away but she quickly switched gears anyway. Some possibly okay news could maybe make the absolutely terrible news kind of better, right?

“So let's just say these massive gods can't help us. And let's just take a guess that Solas is right there,” she pointed at the screen. "In Skyhold, where he's safe and sound."

“It's a safe guess, I suppose” he agreed.

She kissed him quickly and smiled. “So, Commander, let's get this guy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Fun with the Citadel DLC up next! :)


End file.
